


I was hoping you'd stay

by Writing_for_therapy03



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Drama, Anxiety Disorder, Best Friends, Clexa, Drama & Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Drama, Female Friendship, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Growing Up Together, M/M, References to Depression, Teenage Drama, mature - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2020-05-18 22:10:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 46,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19343659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writing_for_therapy03/pseuds/Writing_for_therapy03
Summary: Set in an alternate universe, this story follows Clarke and Lexa's separate journeys growing up and how they eventually find each other as adults.Clarke and Lexa later become friends in LA, they learn how to cope in their chosen careers together, tackle difficult issues and overcome hurdles all the while developing a strong friendship. Then slowly and then all at once falling in love.This story is a lot about learning and growth, thrown in with a bit of dramatics, humor and fluffiness.It also jumps back and forth in time.





	1. Young Clarke

**Author's Note:**

> HEY and welcome to the story!!!  
> Just some house keeping...   
> This is my first story on this website. So if I make mistakes I'm sorry lol  
> I've wanted to write something for a while now and although I don't think of myself as a writer I thought this might be fun, and who knows maybe someone will enjoy my story!  
> So far the way I've planned it, the story will be non linear, just so we get a better idea of where the characters came from/ I also didn't want to start with beginning of the relationship between Clarke and Lexa. I wanted to set them out as individuals first before pairing them up- if that makes sense.  
> I also wanted to make this story a bit more realistic so we'll see how that goes.
> 
> I will probably miss some important details but for the sake of it, the characters will mostly look like the characters from the TV show. I'll add some random new characters as well. But just fill in the blanks with your imagination if I fail to write it in the story lol  
> The first couple of chapters might be slow and more of a background thing but I promise it will get to the Clexa stuff. I plan for this story to be loooong!
> 
> any questions don't hesitate! and if i get things wrong I'm sorry I don't want to offend, this is just my version. I do not own any of the characters. This is for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> Enjoy the story and tell me what you think. :)

**Chapter 1**

_Young Clarke age 4-6, family death, meet the family, school time, goodbyes._

A young and sluggish Clarke laid curled beside her mum, Abby Griffin on her parent’s bed. Her mums face had softened and fallen into a peaceful sleep. One of her mummy’s arms is wrapped under and around Clarke's tiny body and the other arm laying softly over her lower stomach, moving softly up and down with each breath she took as she dreamed.

Clarke was resting her head upon her hand supported by her elbow, lazily playing with her mummy’s soft wavy brown hair, letting each curl move through her little fingers.  
Clarke was always intrigued watching her mummy sleep, watching as her mum’s eyes moved rapidly under her eyelids. She wondered why her mum’s eyes did that. Why her eyes were constantly moving under her eyelids like they were racing.  
She questioned whether it was because her mum was having a nightmare, although the rest of her mum’s body was relaxed and barely moving. She thought it’d be good to ask her mum about this when her mummy would wake up. But for now Clarke didn’t want to disturb her mum, she liked moments like these when it was relaxing and still. When there wasn’t any yelling or crying, or any loud noises.

Clarke’s eyes drifted to her mum's hand on her stomach and the small bump beneath her mummy’s palm. She asked her mum why there was a bump a couple of months ago.  
Abby laughed softly and patted Clarke to sit next to her on the couch. She told Clarke she was pregnant again, that Clarke was going to have another brother or sister.  
Clarke’s brows furrowed at this, she didn’t think she would want another sibling, and she already had two. She also wondered where her mum kept getting these babies from, surely three children were enough.

Clarke loved her little brother and little sister, she had too, that’s what her daddy, Jake Griffin, said whenever they had fights. She also really liked playing games with them and playing Barbies with her sister. She just hoped this new baby was at least a bit nicer, not as smelly and not as annoying.

Clarke continued to watch her mummy’s belly, trying to see if maybe she could see the baby kick or see if the belly got any bigger beneath her mum's palm. It didn’t. Clarke looked back up to her mummy’s hair, she thought her mummy’s hair was like a princess, long and pretty. She noticed her mummy’s baby’s hairs moving in the breeze. The ceiling fan above her and her mum, was on the highest speed. The fan looked like it was going to fall off with the speed it was going at. It had been at this speed because it was a hot summer’s day. Clarke didn’t really enjoy the hot, only when she had cold deserts like popsicles and played in the water.

Today her mummy had bought popsicles for all three children to eat outside in their backyard earlier in the day and play out in the sprinklers. Clarke was in her favourite togs all day, pink and purple frilly ones. Fairy floss ice block flavour, dripping down her chin. Her hair out in a blonde curly mess drenched with sweat and water.  
While her brother and sister were just wearing their nappies, running around and slipping in the grass. Clarke was always careful, not running as fast knowing it would hurt if she fell. She also wore togs because it’s what you are meant to do, and doesn’t want to get sunburnt like her daddy did that one time at the beach. He was red as a tomato and he looked really sore. She didn’t want to go through that.

Clarke was grateful she didn’t wear nappies like her siblings. She liked feeling grownup in that little way. She considered herself to be a big girl and would have to look out for her sister and brother.

Clarke’s brother Michael is a year younger than Clarke, but he is the opposite of Clarke, always finding a way to get himself into trouble and hurting himself. He craves adventure and adrenaline. He has short strawberry blonde hair, big blue eyes like Clarke and always wears a big cheesy smile.  
He currently has three bandages on his body. The first from when he scraped his knee playing on the driveway with daddy. He was running too fast for his little body. The second bandage is on his chin from when he was at the dinner table eating spaghetti, standing on his chair, then started dancing like a crazy person as a result slipped off his chair cutting his chin on the edge of the table. The third one is on his back from scraping his back on the tap in the bath.

No matter how many times mummy and daddy tell Michael to calm down and be careful he finds a way to get hurt. The plus side to having Michael as a brother is that he doesn’t have a stop button so he likes doing things for Clarke like pushing her on the swing or pushing her around on the little toy car when her parents are too busy to.

Her sister Chloe is two years and a bit younger than Clarke, Chloe just turned two. She is fierce, bossy and always wants to get her own way. The second word Chloe ever spoke and most used word is ‘no’. She can scream like a dinosaur and get grumpy like grandad does when they eat all his cookies.

When Chloe is nice and feeling playful she likes to play Barbies with Clarke, although she doesn’t know exactly how too, she likes playing along with Clarke and likes listening to Clarke’s stories about fairies and ponies. She usually follows Clarke around copying her, which can be quite annoying but Clarkes starting to get used to it.  Clarke usually has to take care of her sister the most as she is the baby of the family.  
Chloe and Clarke are starting to share and have the same things, it almost makes Clarke feel like she lost some of her stuff but she’s learning that it’s okay to share things. Even Clarke’s special fairy dresses and lip glosses.

Mummy and Daddy usually yell at Clarke if Chloe is whinging, they usually assume its Clarkes fault. Clarke thinks Chloe is just doing it so she gets a hug from mummy. She even took what Clarke used to say when she was upset “mummy and daddy cuddle” when Clarke wanted cuddles. Sometimes she wishes she had her parents to herself but she also likes playing with her brother and sister, and truth be told she does love them dearly and can’t imagine her life without them.

So this is why Clarke won't wake up her sleeping mum, she knows her mum gets tired with looking after all of her children and needs her nap just like her brother and sister do. Her favourite place is inside her mums cuddle. She feels safe.

Clarke hears her own name being called from outside her mum’s bedroom. She almost forgot that her Nana was making her lunch and setting up the TV to watch a movie on. She was too caught up with cuddling her mum. Clarke tries as swiftly as she can to unwrap herself from her mum to sneak out without waking her up. Along with her brother and sister who are napping in their rooms.

Once she’s outside of her mummy’s room she carefully walks to the lounge room, careful not to wake up Chloe or Michael from their nap time. Clarke doesn’t need nap time anymore. So when Jake is at work and it was Abby’s day off and time to spend with her children when they aren’t at day-care or kindy, Jakes mother comes around and helps out.

Once Clarke enters the lounge room she sees that her Nana has made her a sandwich with a cup of cold water sitting on the coffee table. Her Nana is resting on the couch and smiles noticing Clarke entering the room, she opens her arms for Clarke to sit in her lap. Her second favourite place.

 

* * *

 

Clarke’s Nana has always been Clarke’s best friend, even better friends from the kids she knows at kindergarten. Her Nana had the best smile and laugh and gave the best hugs. She also loved playing with Clarke for as long as she can remember. Her Nana gave extra attention to Clarke, probably knowing that most of the attention had to be given to the younger siblings at times. But Clarke also felt like her and her Nana had things in common and that they would be best friends forever.

Nana also treated her like a big girl and would help her be brave. She always held her hand when they went out to the park or to the shops. And she held her hand extra tight when it was time for kindergarten, promising Clarke that she’d see her at the end of the day.

Clarke would always listen to stories about her Nana, she loved listening to all her stories and what she knew. She told Clarke that there were angels watching over her, keeping her safe. Clarke argued that it was Santa that did that. But Nana insisted that the angels did as well. That whenever Clarke was sad or hurt that they would help her feel better. Clarke didn’t argue with her Nana. She believed what her Nana said. Because she was the smartest lady she knew.

She also knew Clarke very well, knowing what made her upset and happy to what she didn’t like on her toast. She was starting to know her Nana very well too, for example, that her Nana loves frogs, crystal rocks and a crunchy chocolate bar while watching the TV after dinner. She wanted to learn so much more.

As Clarke leaned into her Nana, her Nana started stroking her head and playing with Clarke’s hair, just like Clarke had done with her mum.

Nana spoke softly. “You’re a good girl for putting your mum to bed blossom”

Clarke nodded slowly, eyes now on the small square TV a few feet away from her, the Wizard of Oz’s opening credits playing. Her Nana’s favourite movie. Clarke had laid with her mum while her mum was awake, her mum saying that she needed to close her eyes for a little while, saying she’d make Clarke lunch in a minute. Clarke played with her mum’s hair until her mum was fast asleep.

“Yeah, she was very tired” Clarke answered her Nana.

Her Nana reached forward to place the plate on Clarke’s lap, for Clarke to eat her sandwich. Clarke smiled and started nibbling at her sandwich. Trying to not let any crumbs spill.

“Are you tired blossom?” Her Nana asked settling into the chair as much as she could with Clarke on her lap.

“Nah, I’m just hungry and wanna watch the Dorothy movie” Clarke responded eyes still on the TV. Clarke barely watched TV. Only on weekends. When her Nana came and bought over a movie. Or in the morning but that was just the news with big confusing words.

“Okay, darling” her Nana responded.

Later into the movie, she felt her Nana’s chest start to shake and she started to hear giggles from her Nana. Clarke started to laugh too, she would usually laugh when her Nana laughed, mainly because she thought her laugh was the best. But also because she wanted to be like her Nana. Her Nana always says laughter is the best medicine. Clarke would try to make her Nana laugh when she could, playing tricks or doing something silly. She really did believe her Nana. Laughter is the best medicine.

 

* * *

 

 

It was two more nights until Clarkes 5th birthday. Clarke loved birthdays and loved getting presents. March 15th was her birthday, that’s what her mummy and daddy told her and she wrote it down in her notebook so she wouldn’t forget. She had a birthday party planned with a big blow-up castle with all her kindy friends and their siblings coming along. Some of mummy and daddy’s friend’s kids were also coming. Around the same age as Clarke. Although Clarke was nervous she was also super excited because she had her mum make her a princess birthday cake. It was in the fridge freshly made ready to be eaten.

She was also excited because her boyfriend would be coming. Wells Thelonious. She had known him since they were in nappies. Clarke’s dad and Well’s dad; Jaha, were best friends. Their mum’s would say Clarke and Wells are boyfriend and girlfriend and should get married one day. Clarke loved the idea.

Clarke loves playing with Wells, especially in the playground, where he holds her hand down the slide and helps her build sandcastles. She also likes playing with him in the bath because they kiss and splash each other, he makes sure to give her all the bubbles so she doesn’t miss out. He’s in Preschool now, and a year older than Clarke.

Wells is always so nice to her, she wishes they would go to the same school when they get older and they can grow old together. That way she doesn’t have to worry about not being safe.

He always says I love you when they say goodbye and she says it back loving the feeling of a blush spreading in her cheeks. She really does like Wells, whenever they kiss she gets butterflies in her belly and when they kiss in public they get a happy audience and reaction of ‘awes’. He is her third favourite place.

As her mummy and daddy tucked her and her sister in their shared bunk bed in their shared bedroom. She couldn’t help but notice her mummy grumble and rub her belly. Her bump was really big now. She said her baby brother was due soon. Hopefully not on her birthday because she doesn’t want to share that, that’s her special day. Clarke was getting nervous about another baby. She was happy to have a sibling but she was nervous about the crying and all the rest of that baby stuff. She knew she’d have to be a good big sister and help out. But she also wanted her alone time. She rarely got that anymore.

“After tonight it’s one more sleep until your birthday, Clarke,” her daddy says to her after pacing a kiss on her forehead. After hearing him say that she starts grinning ear to ear, kicking her feet under the covers out of excitement.

“I want a birthday!” Chloe rebuttals. On the bottom half of the bunk bed. Her daddy rolls his eyes at that and goes to leave with mummy.

“G’night mummy and daddy” Clarke barely whispers as her parents smile and turn off the light only leaving the glow in the dark fairy stickers shinning in the room. They close the door halfway as to not upset Chloe and let the hall light shine in.

On her birthday morning, she wakes up bright and early at 5.30 am, tossing and turning until her sister under her starts to stir and gets up to wake up their parents.

She opens her presents after too many banana pancakes for breakfast made by her Nana, that grins the whole time making them. The family all sit in the lounge room indulging Clarke as she gets excited as she opens what she thinks are the best gifts in the world.

Later her birthday party starts and almost everyone is here, she thinks anyway, there are too many to count. Her older cousins who are in high school are there, her uncles and aunties. Her friends, Wells and his family and her pet dog Cookie, named Cookie because she looks like a cookie.

After playing in her big backyard with all her friends going on and off the jumping castle for what seems like forever she hears her Nana start to sing from behind her. When she whips around she sees her Nana holding her princess cake and her mummy wearing a party hat, holding a big video camera wearing a big smile on her face. She runs over to get a closer look. Then all at once everyone starts singing happy birthday to Clarke. She loves and hates being the centre of attention. She likes the attention and feeling loved but can also become nervous very quickly.

It’s very loud with lots and lots of people singing. Clarke’s cheeks start to hurt from how much she is smiling and giggling, she starts nervously playing with her tiny fingers. She follows the cake to the table further away from all the chaos the kids have made in the yard, ready to blow out the candles. She then notices Wells reaching to hold her hand and she grabs it, he’s holding her hand the whole time. Smiling and giggling with her. He gives her a sloppy kiss on the cheek, followed by a flash of a camera go off in front of them. So he does it again so his mum gets the perfect picture.

Clarke at this moment is the happiest she thinks she’s ever been surrounded by her friends and family, all her favourite people in the world, there for her. She wishes it was her birthday every day. At the end of the song, she notices Michael waddling over, getting closer to the flames on the cake. After everyone stops singing she is quick to blow out the candles. Already knowing what her birthday wish is. Also not wanting her brother to be set on fire.

She wishes to be happy forever, and for all the chocolate in the world.

 

* * *

 

 

“You know your mummy and daddy are going to need your help when the baby comes Clarke?” Clarke’s Nana states as she is cleaning the dishes.

Clarke is sitting on the bench watching her Nana cleaning the dishes, watching as she makes a lot of bubbles and makes sure to clean all the food off the plate. Clarke’s legs are dangling off the edge, she plays with the end of her favourite pink skirt.

Her daddy is coming home from work soon and her mummy is giving Michael a bath again after he ran out in the back yard and slipped into muddy puddle. They had just washed their hair.

“Yeah I know Nana, but… I don’t want to clean him” Clarke pouts, referring to her soon to be the newest sibling, whilst staring at the dishes thinking her least favourite thing to do is cleaning. Especially smelly babies. She starts furrowing her brows and pouting slightly at the thought of cleaning up dirty nappies.

Her Nana giggles noticing her scrunched face. “You know I had to wipe your daddy’s bum when he was a little baby, and so did your aunty because he was the baby of the family. But she was eight at the time. Older than you.”

Clarkes face only scrunches up more at the image her Nana describes but starts giggling soon after. Imagining her daddy as a baby with her nana much younger, is quite funny. It’s also funny to imagine the adults she knows now as being little like she is. It just seems so weird to imagine.

“Yucky daddy poo!” Clarke exclaims marking a fart noise with her mouth only getting a laugh from her Nana in response. Jake always makes a point to make fart noises at Clarke. He’s so silly Clarke thinks.

“But Clarke all I’m saying is that you’re a big five-year-old now, and you are the best big sister, you make everyone happy when you help out.”

Clarke grins proudly at that. She does like making people happy and she knows she does have to help where she can, even more so now that she’s five.

Clarke’s Nana continues. “Because sometimes I might not be around to help as much…” her Nana trails off focusing back on the dishes. Clarke gets confused by this.

“Why?” Clarke asks almost in a sing-song tone swinging her legs, gripping the edge of the counter, poking her tongue out.

“Well… I might be busy, or away…” her Nana answers softly.

“Why you go away, Nana?” Clarke asks even more confused. Why would Nana go away, where would she go and how and would she come back? How often? Less or more? Would she go with granddad, she didn’t like granddad. He wasn’t her daddy’s real dad and he was annoying and could be rude to them and especially Nana. Abby and Jake were always cautious around him. They blamed him for Clarkes Nana becoming depressed with time. Plus he smelled like smoke and mothballs. Clarke was filled with questions now and wanted the answers.

“Where would you go? You don’t have to go away Nana” Clarke continues. Almost try to suggest that her Nana really doesn’t need to go away, especially after the new baby comes. Her Nana sighs and finishes off the last dish she’s working on.

“Clarke darling” her Nana grabs her knees. Clarke shivers as her Nana’s wet and soapy hands touch her knees, she stops swinging her legs and looks at her Nana. Her Nana has her serious face on, she wonders why again.

“Sweetie, just… sometimes Nanas can leave for a while and-“

“I don’t want you to leave” Clarke half grumbles half whines.

Clarke’s mummy comes in immediately after hearing Clarke noticing what’s happening. She looks cross, her serious face is on as well. She is holding Michael on her waist as he’s wrapped in a towel, just out of the bath.

“Barbara please don’t talk like that in front the kids please, you’ll only upset them, I told you” Abby hushes.

Then Clarke’s mummy leaves in a huff and Nana huffs, biting her bottom lip and her eyes are focused on the ground.

Why was mummy upset now? Talk like what? Why will Nana upset us? Why would Clarke be upset? What did mummy tell Nana? Did Nana tell mummy this? These thoughts raced in Clarkes mind.

“Nana, I’m sorry I got upset, please tell me. I don’t want you to leave.” Clarke whispers. Trying to get her Nana’s attention back. She’s really confused.

Nana looks up half smiling.

“It’s okay Clarke, I don’t want to upset you or anyone else. I’m not leaving” her Nana softly tries. “Besides me and you, plus Michael and Chloe are going to spend some fun time together while your mummy and daddy go away for the weekend.” She tries to change the mood and topic.

“Is it ‘cause of the new baby?” Clarke asks quickly, still whispering.

“What? No blossom-” Nana responds

“Is it ‘cause of me, my fault?” Clarke again fires.

Nana almost looks shocked by this. She cups Clarke’s cheeks with her palms and whispers back.

“It’s no one’s fault, Clarke, I want to stay with you forever and ever. I’m always with you.”

Clarke nods taking in what her Nana has said. She feels better now that she knows her Nana wouldn’t leave her and it’s not her fault.

“I love you blossom, my beautiful angel, don’t forget that”

Clarke then lets out a tear she didn’t realize she was holding in. Her Nana always knows when she is upset. Sometimes Clarke can let her anxieties get the better of her.

“You are so strong and brave and beautiful and funny and smart and a good little helper.” Her Nana calms her. She loves the feeling when her Nana says all those kind things. Her Nana always knows how to calm her down.

“I just want you to know that another baby will be extra work. Do you understand?”

Clarke nods, her face still being held in her Nana’s hands, her big blue eyes still watery looking up at her Nana lovingly.

“You’re such a clever girl. I love you” her Nana kisses her forehead.

“I love you too Nana” Clarke responds quietly and then her Nana gives her a big a hug. Clarke takes this as an opportunity and wraps her feet around her Nana’s waist and lets her Nana carry her to her room just in time for bedtime story before going to sleep. She was really tired.

-Later-

She remembers Friday afternoon after kindy being exhausted and her blonde curls falling out from her ponytail as she made her way to meet her mummy at the pickup area. Then being surprised to see her Grandmother M, waiting for her. Not only did she see her Nana all last weekend but now her other Nan was here. She nervously walked over poking out her tongue then once close enough hugged her waist.

Grandmother M was Abby’s mother. She was so excited. She rarely saw her mummy’s mum anymore. They called her Grandmother M. They only rarely spoke to her on the phone. The last time she saw her she thinks it was when Chloe just started walking. Her Grandmother M just got a new boyfriend; Greg, and lived even further away now. That’s what mummy said. They had driven up to meet the new baby and lend an extra helping hand.

She spent all afternoon telling her Grandmother M about her week at kindergarten. She later found out that her mummy and daddy weren’t coming home for a while because mummy was ready to have a baby soon.

She was super excited but already missed her mummy and daddy. But she was also confused. Usually, her other Nana would come over and look after the kids when they were out. That’s what happened last weekend. She liked the idea of having the two Nana’s together. Because it rarely happened. It was double the love.

It was Friday midnight when Grandmother M woke the children up to get into the car to drive to the hospital. Clarke was really tired but she made sure Michael and Chloe were okay beforehand. Giving them their blankets and putting on their shoes. Double checking their seat buckles. So she didn’t get back to sleep, because Grandmother M and Greg asked her to help her for most of the night. They arrived at the hospital. Clarke didn’t really like hospitals they were very creepy.

When they arrived at the hospital they walked to a waiting area where Jake and his step dad, their Grandad sat waiting for them. Grandmother M settled down and held a sleeping Chloe on her lap whilst Michael sat down on Grandads lap staring around the room unsure of where he was. Jake stood up and took Clarke's hand and walked her to an elevator. He told her that she had to see someone. Clarke tiredly followed along and tried to rub the sleep from her eyes.

The hospital was very big and had long hallways. Some were plain white and some had art and drawings on the walls. She noticed the beds and medical equipment and became nervous. There were so many rooms all of them had no colours. She wished she could paint them pink. Clarke was then picked up by her daddy and taken into a room where her Nana was in a hospital bed watching the TV above her and eating something that looked like yogurt, she didn’t look happy, she looked sick. Her eyes were tired and her skin flushed. Clarke was confused now. Why was her Nana in the hospital looking sick? Where was her mummy and the new baby?

Her daddy put her on the bed with her Nana and he spoke “I’ll be back, I’m just going to go back and check on Abby. They said she going to have a long wait.” then gave Clarke a kiss on the forehead, weakly smiled and left leaving the door slightly open. Clarke looked at her Nana confused.

“Are you okay Nana?” Clarke asked in a sleepy voice.

“Clarke I’m not my best but I wanted to see you quickly before you got to meet your baby brother.”

Clarke nodded and moved towards where her Nana patted to lay next to her. The sheets were itchy.

“I’m sorry its late blossom, can we have a little chat” Nana started coughing. Clarke didn’t like when people were sick. She hated being sick herself. But she put all her attention to her Nana and tried to stay awake.

“I’m sorry you have to see me like this. But I need you to know that I love you so much and to never change because you are the most beautiful soul.” Clarke misses the tears rolling down her Nana’s cheeks.

Clarke nods and yawns. Cuddling into her Nana’s chest avoiding the wires and the annoying beeping.

“I love you too Nana, and I’ll make you your favorite chocolate cake when you get better” Clarke responds hopefully cheering her Nana up. Her Nana loves cake.

“Thank you precious girl. Please don’t ever forget that I love you always and that I’m always proud of you no matter what okay?”

Clarke listens and understands she nods. She’s not sure why her Nana is staying all these things but she understands what she is saying. This is why her Nana is her favourite because she always says the nicest things to Clarke.

After that they start having random conversations from what she was watching on TV and how Clarke would paint the room to make it more cheerful.

Clarke eventually starts to fall asleep when her Nana starts playing with her messy curls and humming her to sleep. She hums some wizard of Oz songs. Slightly off tune, trying not to cough again. She hears her Nana whisper a soft I love you so much and Clarke responds sleepily before sleep takes her.

~Later~

She wakes up in her Grandmother M’s lap. They are in another hospital room, this one has some blue on the walls. She's not sure how much time has passed or how she got here. It’s still night time though, maybe early morning. Looking up, her Grandmother M looks tired. Her eyes are really red. She’s talking to her mummy. Who looks grumpy but is also crying.

“Mummy?” Clarke groans sleepily. She sits up and moves to the bed opposite her where Abby uncomfortably sits, she climbs on the bed and wraps her arms around her mummy and her still full belly.

“Clarke darling it’s time to go home now. Your Grandmother is going to take you home. I’ll hopefully see you soon. And when I came home you’ll have a baby brother” here mummy tries to get out happily. She doesn’t understand why she’s crying and trying to smile. It seems odd but she’s too tired to ask questions. She sees her daddy in the corner holding her brother Michaels' hand. Michael is leaning against their daddy’s legs, one arm wrapped around a leg, looking confused and tired. While Chloe is wrapped in her daddy’s other arm asleep sucking on her thumb. Her daddy has red and puffy eyes. She then notices her Grandmothers boyfriend outside the door waiting.

She takes her Grandmothers offering hand and waves to her mummy whispering a soft love you see you soon.

She gets back home and crawls into bed not wanting to get up forever. That trip really tired her out.

-Sunday-

It’s been a whole day since her Grandmother has heard from anyone. Clarke knows this because she hears her Grandmother on the phone to her boyfriend talking about how stressed she is. Her boyfriend is at the shops buying food for the family. The whole day goes by pretty fast. It’s a regular day. She writes in her notebook ideas on a cake to make for her Nana and everyone to share. She wonders if her new baby brother will like cake. She draws a picture of her family. She asks her Grandmother M for a movie but she puts on a grown-up TV show. So Clarke plays with Michael and his dinosaurs. Giggling whenever they sneak up on their Grandmother and scare her. But the fun is soon ruined when her boyfriend Greg gets angry and tells them to play outside.

The next night during dinner she hears a knock on her door. Her Grandmother M huffs and gets us all downstairs to open the door. She says guess who’s here excitedly. Clarke hopes its Nana. She wants to tell Nana about her cake idea. She was thinking that maybe they could put sparkles on it with pictures of fairies.

But when the door opens it’s her mummy and daddy smiling holding a crying red baby. A loud screaming baby. Mummy and daddy eyes look sad but they smile like their happy. She doesn’t understand why. Clarke goes to look behind them to search for her Nana.

They ask who Clarke is looking for. Clarke grumbles and says Nana as if it’s obvious. The adults all look at her with pity. She doesn’t understand. Nana was with mummy in the hospital too. Unless she went back home.

“Clarke looks it’s your new baby brother, come over and look at him, dear.” Her Grandmother M suggest overly cheerily.

Clarke ignores this, she’ll have plenty of time to be with the baby.

She asks if her Nana went back home. She keeps asking questions which keep getting ignored through the night, while everyone is too busy and focused on the new baby. Until her mummy has put the baby asleep in her arms and Grandmother M is in the bathroom with Michael and Chloe getting them ready for a bath.

  
Clarke is finally alone with her parents and the crying baby is asleep. Her parents look conflicted. Her daddy starts to wipe his red eyes and takes the sleeping baby in his arms to distract himself. Whereas mummy doesn’t stop herself from softly crying and whimpering. Clarke sits in Abby’s lap, Clarke is so confused and frustrated, and she just wants her Nana and not this baby anymore. It’s too loud for her liking. She starts to think back to when her Nana said she might leave after the baby. Clarke gets even more confused and upset.

Her parents once calmed, begin to focus Clarke to listen to what they are saying. So Clarke listens and tries her best to understand what they explain to her. They tell her that Nana is up in the sky now. That she’s not coming back. At first, Clarke is confused and asks questions about what that all means. Her parents seem deflated and soon grow grumpy and tell her to get ready for bed.

Clarke cries and cries. She doesn’t want her up in the sky she wants her here on the ground with her. They were supposed to be together, she told her that she’d make her Nana a cake for when she was better.

As days turn into weeks Clarke learns that her Nana is never coming back despite her best wishes and tantrums and that maybe she knows why she had to leave. But she is so confused. She doesn’t want it to be her fault. But she sometimes feels like it is. She worries and worries. She wants to go back to before the baby was born. She wants to tell her Nana so much. She wants to cuddle her again. To make her laugh again. To do anything with her again. Back to when she had her Nana all to herself. But it doesn’t happen. She makes sure she looks after everyone because her Nana said so.

She sometimes dreams of her Nana that it feels so real. Soon those dreams go away though. She doesn’t know if she misses them. She doesn’t know if her parents miss her Nana as much as she does.

New memories are made, with new family friends and family. She learns more about her baby brother and watches how everyone interacts with him. He brings happiness to everyone. Mummy and daddy smile more with him. Baby Aden. Maybe it has to be this way? Unfortunately they can’t keep her dog Cookie, her parents say it’s too much stress and that Cookie deserves a better home. Clarke wanted to argue but it was too late. She kissed Cookie goodbye. She hopes Cookie has a better family. She cries that night.

A new year starts. She cries less and that make her parents happy. They form new routines and habits. Clarke starts learning new things now starting at preschool. It can be hard and boring. The teachers lose their tempers easily, it’s very strict. Very different from kindy. Boys are annoying and messy. Always teasing girls and chasing them around the playground until they are tired and flushed. Clarke much rather enjoys playing with the girls.

The only boy she does play with is sometimes on the weekends with Wells, but only when it’s just them alone. But being a year older then her means he’s smarter than her and starts to like new things. He starts to drift away from Clarke. Other times he comes over is on play dates with other families and various kids. Wells sticks to playing with the boys. But they don’t like playing with her. So instead she plays with her baby brother Aden. He always likes to play with her.

She promises Aden she’ll never leave him, especially with the smelly boys. She tells him stories about their Nana, telling him that she watches over them from the sky and that Nana loves Aden. Clarke knows he doesn’t really understand but he listens anyway, wrapping his tiny hand around her fingers and gurgling up to her, his baby blue eyes wide and searching her face.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke had a long and tiring day at preschool because her mummy made her the wrong sandwich, meant for Michael, then argued with her teacher. Therefore she was hungry most of the day.

Her mummy sat everyone down that night at the dinner table and whilst eating she explains how her own mum, Grandmother M is leaving that weekend to go away overseas to live with her boyfriend.

Clarke doesn’t really understand the overseas part but from what her parents explain to her it’s very far away, so far that you have to fly on a big plane to get there.

It makes Clarke upset, she wishes people didn’t leave, but she offers over some of her coins to give to her Grandmother to have just in case of her Grandmother getting into trouble. Mummy does make the point that money is important and we can’t just spend it on anything, only on important things. Clarke thinks her Grandmother will appreciate Clarke’s money.

Clarke tries not to blame herself. But she can’t help but think maybe she was naughty or did something. Maybe that’s why her family kept leaving her. Why Wells didn’t like playing with her anymore.

That night she curls up with her mummy and daddy in bed feeling distraught. As she falls asleep she hears her mummy grumbling incoherently to her daddy, she only really hears Abby saying she is upset by her own mother’s rash decision to leave the country with a guy that didn’t have her best interest at heart. Jake starts rubbing soothing circles on Clarkes back and holding Abby’s hand in the middle of the bed over Clarke. Jake tries calming down her mummy. In the background is heard the soft snores of Aiden fast asleep in his cot next to their queen sized bed.

Clarke falls asleep wishing things didn’t change so that bad thing didn’t happen. She felt everyone’s stress and held it in her heart with her. She worries more and more. Maybe she’ll feel safe again. But her tightening chest suggests otherwise.

* * *

 

_(Clarke school life, age 10-13, friends, society, struggles of growing up, depression, theatre, bulling.)_

Clarke attended a school named Polis State School. Clarke felt like school took up most of her mind and time. Long 7 hour days. Writing. Reading. Typing. Eating. Listening. Speaking.  
She thought as she grew older she might become wiser and if she understood more, she would like school even more and it would start being fun. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. She probably understood less the older she got. The more she grew the newer things were introduced to her, whether it be academic or social.

Clarke found it hard to keep up with it all and stay focused, often daydreaming playing with her long curls and getting lost in thought. She tried extra hard to stay on top of her school work no matter how tedious. She tried to be interested in things her friends cared about, tried to keep up with the latest things that kids her age range liked and admired. But there was so much. It was overwhelming. She would much rather play with her Barbies or scribble drawings. She couldn’t care less about multiplications and what a six-pack was.

She couldn’t fall behind, she had to keep up with her classmates and her teachers. But it seemed once she was just getting the hang of one thing another topic harder would be brought in to look at. Once she learned about one popular trend something else came in. It was moving really fast for Clarke to keep up with.

She realized that asking too many questions made the teachers groan. That made Clarke feel like she was letting everyone down. She felt silly for having to get something re-explained to her. So she tried to be quiet and understand the tasks before her or at least pretended to. She was the shy girl at the back of the room trying not to get distracted by the colours of the flowers outside. Or think what animals the clouds looked like. The teachers didn’t have time to stay with Clarke, or accommodate a teaching style for her. She had to keep moving and remember all these things. It made her dizzy. Her notebook became messier and messier.

She wished she could just sit still and take a breather, everything around her was so fast-paced. Or maybe that’s how she thought of it, maybe she was just overthinking it. She didn’t know, but she felt like it was a race and she was losing.

She didn’t want to be left behind. That scared her. If she was left behind she would be alone and Clarke didn’t like the thought.

She started noticing how girls and boys started acting differently around each other as well. At ten she realized that it means something else if you hang out with a boy alone that means you must like him. She thought that it was just friends but now it meant something else.

She learned that kissing was both gross and romantic. That girls must wear dresses and look pretty for the boys otherwise you’re somewhat unattractive. Clarke wanted to be likable and pretty.

That you must have a crush on a boy or you’re lying to yourself. So she found the boy that was nicest to her. Thinking that boy will do. But you can’t have a crush on the same boy your friends have.

That boys play sports and are strong, while girls dance and play with their hair and nails. But Clarke loved playing sports and getting energised. She also loved tackling the boys just like she sees at her daddy’s football games. But she also loved putting sparkly clips in her hair. A friend of hers told Clarke she had to choose between the two.

That you must always have a pretty smile. That if you’re a girly girl, the boy will like you more. That if boys cry they are acting like baby girls. That boys are faster. And many more. She thought all of these things had to be correct. Especially if most people believed it and her friends did.

It really did confuse her. She thought she was a girly girl because she really liked pink and dresses and playing with her dolls and plaiting her hair. But she also really liked playing sport and running. Playing and watching football with her daddy and brothers. She liked action movies. She likes being silly with the boys and making gross jokes that none of her girl-friends would laugh at. She was confused about where she sat in her social world. Sometimes she’d sacrifice things she really did like to do, with things she thought she was supposed to do.

It felt wrong but she thought that that’s how she would be better equipped for this new time in her life.

* * *

 

At age eleven she learned entirely new things she never wanted to learn. And that was about the female body. She was horrified one hot summer school morning when she was about to leave for school with her siblings, only to find blood on her underwear. She had heard about it before. She heard lots of things. Things about sex, alcohol, periods, Santa is fake (she learned that when she was nine), how to ride a bike, phones, computers… but didn’t really understand it fully.

She wasn’t really prepared for the day she ‘became a women’ as her mum called it. She stayed home that day soon feeling sick. Her mum helped her with everything. It was an awkward and painful day.

When she arrived at school the next day all her friends asked why she was away, and when she answered them, the weird questions flooded in. Some she didn’t know how to answer. “Does that mean you’ll have babies? Can you stop it? What does it look like?” And lastly “maybe you’re pregnant.” She felt nervous and intruded on.

She wanted nothing more than to be alone that day, away from prying eyes and male teachers who she felt embarrassed to be around now. Especially since her mum told her in more detail about why women have periods and more about sex and making babies. She knew now that times were really changing. Crazy girl hormones her dad once called it. She was one of the first girls to get her period in the grade. Clarke felt alone.

But as the year went on she found out more girls she knew got their periods, had started growing hair on their bodies and formed breasts, and so much more then she could’ve imagined. She felt less alienated. Clarke never really paid too much attention to her growing body, she noticed some aches and growing pains but brushed it off. She didn’t know until pointed out that she had bigger breast than most of the girls her age. At the realization of her B cup size, she continued to feel embarrassed and reverted inwards again. A constant struggle it seemed. Wanting to hide them away and not to be looked at by the hormone crazed boys that never seemed to maintain eye contact with her anymore.

* * *

 

At age twelve Clarke had one main group of friends that consisted of all girls. Most of them had been at the school as long as she had (seven years), and only a few were new to the school, only being there for a couple of years. They were quite a close group, some more than others. Clarke’s favourite was Samantha and Brooke. This was the age where she learned just how mean girls could be.

Becca was a somewhat leader of the group, she had short black straight hair and pointy green eyes. Always making her opinion known and getting grouchy when someone disagreed with her, she truly thought she was the smartest girl. The girls always tried to one-up each other in some way, whether it was about looks or grades. Making statements that they were better because of their body or grades or voice or athletic ability. That made Clarke upset, she didn’t like comparing herself.

That’s all Clarke knew after a while. That’s how most girls around her interacted, if not in conversation there would be a snarky comment or a judgmental side-eye. Clarke didn’t know if she should join in or run away.

Becca liked to be in control the most though, making a point of putting people in their place. She belittled Clarke most of the time, but Clarke usually laughed it off, she thought that friends must stick together, she could deal with it. Becca would often make a teasing comment on Clarke's lack of knowledge about some topics, the other girls would laugh. She couldn’t help that she wasn’t good at everything like her friends claimed. She never had the mind for math and science. She just didn’t get it. But she knew being upset got her nowhere.

Clarke had learned by now to push away that feeling, so Clarke laughed with them.

Becca would frown and huff that Clarke’s hair was always so curly and unkempt, saying no one would like her if she didn’t try to look pretty, or at least wore makeup. That green eyes were prettier than her blue ones. She made fun of Clarke whenever Clarke would bring up her goals and aspirations. She did a lot of things that Clarke soon came to realize she hated.

Clarke found solace in one friend though who she had met when she was eight and had been close ever since. Her name was Samantha but liked being called Sam for short. They did things that Clarke actually liked to do. Read and write, roleplay, play sports and watch funny movies. Clarke felt safer around Sam, more relaxed.

Sam’s and Clarkes big families got along as well, so they saw each other a lot outside of school. Clarke thought Sam was the prettiest girl. Her big brown eyes with bushy eyebrows, and long dark curly hair with beautiful copper skin. Clarke would tell Sam she was really beautiful, like a princess. Even if Sam didn’t think so. She would find herself thinking about their futures together, hopefully living in a big pink mansion together with a lot of animals. She always felt giddy thinking about their future.

They used to bath together but stopped when they had started reaching puberty. But that didn’t stop them from being close and cuddling and holding hands when they got the chance too. Clarke loved Sam. They loved being close to each other and telling their secrets, fears, and funny stories.

It was their Saturday sleepover night that they did almost every weekend, after playing netball for their sports club. They would go to one of their houses and spend the night together. Sam was a night owl, whereas Clarke was not. She enjoyed sleep a lot. But she stayed up with Sam listening to her crazy theories about the world around them. She loved the way her mind worked. Sam was talking about aliens when Clarke decided to throw a pillow over her best friends face.

Sam squealed and threw it back at Clarke harder. She climbed atop of Clarke and started tickling her wriggling body.

“How dare you interrupt me when I’m talking” Sam tries to say seriously while smiling down at Clarke. Blue eyes boring into brown eyes.

“You started to get boring” Clarke tried saying whilst laughing and trying to breathe under Sam.

Soon Sam stopped, folded her arms across her chest and looked at Clarke with a big grin. Clarke loved her smile, she was so pretty. Sam’s brown eyes always sparkled when smiling.

“You don’t think aliens are real?” Sam amusedly questions Clarke.

“Actually yeah, I’m looking at one right now” Clarke replied back with a smirk.

Sam’s face resembled offense but they both knew they were just teasing each other.

“If we are ever captured by aliens you’re the first person I’d volunteer to get taken away,” Sam remarks poking her tongue at Clarke and sliding off her friend to lay back down next to her.

“Thank you kindly”, Clarke replies smugly.

The room goes silent for a minute.

They both know Clarke is about ready to fall asleep anytime soon. Sam smiles softly at her friend's tired features. She pats on her chest for Clarke to lay her head down on. Clarke follows and wraps her arms around her best friend.

“Please don’t drool on me Clarke” Sam whispers jokingly. Clarke smiles at this but snuggles closer into her friend. She has been known to do that.

She’s close with her other friend Brooke but nothing like this. Some of her other friends think it weird that she is so close with Sam. That she likes her affection. Especially since most people think Sam is nerdy and boyish. They say cuddling is for babies and couples. But Clarke doesn’t understand why something that feels so nice can be bad? So she pushes their comments away and enjoys her time with her snuggly best friend. Alone in their own little space.

Clarke feels warm and fuzzy in Sam’s arms, always content with her. She knows Sam always has her back. Never judges her but is silly with her. She’d always be there for Sam. She thinks the world of her. It reminds her of her five year old self with Wells.

Clarke slowly falls asleep listening to her best friends breathing and her nose filled with Sam’s scent of sandalwood and jasmine, with thick cotton sheets on top of them. Her happy place.

 

* * *

 

Clarke thought she was used to losing and gaining friends by now. Sam always remained a constant in her life luckily. But it still hurt when other friends ignored Clarke or refused to talk to her anymore. She blamed herself. Clarke always tried to be there for people, tried to be the good guy. But it didn’t seem to enough. With friends coming and going Clarke had hit a new low.

She doesn’t really know how or why it happened.

Clarke was diagnosed with depression at twelve. She had already been diagnosed with anxiety shortly after her Nana passed away. And now this.

She thought it made her weak. She just wanted to be a normal kid that didn’t take medication and see the doctors constantly. To be a kid that didn’t feel overwhelmed by emotions and numb at the same time.

She was sick for a long time. Didn’t want to leave the house. She didn’t like socializing or big events. She didn’t like school. She felt distant from her family. She felt alone and scared. All the typical things you hear about depression. She remembers watching her younger siblings play on their trampoline bouncing a small giggling Aden on the mat. They were full with joy and hope. Clarke envied that.

But it all happened at once or maybe it was slowly happening and it had finally reached a breaking point. She was no longer happy like she used to be.

When she was diagnosed her dad Jake started coming to more of her netball games. He started to talk to her and her sister Chloe more. Whereas he was focused on her brothers before. More about the girls lives, more than surface level stuff conversation.

Over the years he becomes focused on his work, working full time and coaching football on the side.

Her mum Abby becomes more protective, always asking what Clarke was doing, how she was feeling, always making sure her teachers knew what was happening and her in turn. Clarke can see it taking effect on her own mother’s mood. She can see her mother blames herself. It was no one’s fault.

Abby was also a busy woman working most nights at the hospital as a nurse. She never had much time for her family either. Clarke was grateful that her parents were more present but she couldn’t help the pain in her chest, the fuzziness in her head. The frustration in her veins.

She tried to focus on her sports and her extra-curricular activities her parents had her doing since a young age. On things, she used to enjoy.

Hanging out with Sam. It helped a little. But it never really went away. She stared to stop caring. She stopped playing with Chloe, she found it dull. She watched more TV, read more books, and spent time by herself more, in her dark room with the blinds closed. Clarke was always drained of energy, she craved being alone after school. She liked her alone time.

Grandmother M arrived back in the country when Clarke was nine years old. Apparently, after a couple of weeks living with her boyfriend overseas in America, he left her to find a better job and claimed to not love her anymore. She spent that Christmas holiday alone and poor.  Years later down the track they met again and decided to get back together and eventually move back to Australia.

They still rarely saw or spoke to Clarke and her family. When they did see their Grandmother M it wasn’t the friendliest of times. The most memorable of times is one Sunday afternoon the family was all sitting around the table having lunch. Clarke was not her usual cheerful self. But she tried to be happy in front of her Grandmother M. Even though her Grandmother told it was nonsense that she had depression and that everyone has bad days.

Clarke on this particular day was wearing mostly all black, for no other reason than liking the outfit and feeling comfortable in it. Her grandmother in her floral outfit moaned about Clarke’s choices as of late and asked what she was trying to achieve. Clarke confused by this asked what her Grandmother meant.

“Those clothes; it looks like you’re trying to be a lesbian darling, it’s unbecoming of you.” She stated distastefully.

Clarke was thrown back by this statement both flustered and angered. Why was Clarke a lesbian for wearing clothes that she liked? Was that bad? Was wearing black bad? Were lesbians something to be ashamed of? Was what she was wearing ugly? This only made her become more resentful.

Her Grandmother usually made comments about her family and how it didn’t meet her standards. Her daughter Abby’s weight, her parents’ marriage, the children’s lack of success, she continued to find new things to complain about. So Abby continued to distance her family from her mother with time. It was draining. Clarke felt like she was soaking in all the negative energy.

Clarke wanted to love her Grandmother but god she was resentful towards her. She picked and prodded at her and her siblings. Wanted them to be proper and elegant. Clarke hated that her Grandmother couldn’t just love her for who she was. She already tormented herself enough. She didn’t like people on the outside doing it, especially family.

One night when Clarke was feeling particularly low she confided in her grandmother, seeking comfort. Her grandmother thought this was her moment to shine.

Her British accent still strong. “I completely understand love, but be grateful for what you have got, there’s no point stressing about pointless things.”

Clarke could see her point, but Grandmother M continued.

“There are starving children, people dying of disease, poverty-stricken countries, people without limbs, people who are obese… you honestly have nothing to worry about. I don’t think you’re really sad. It’s all in your head. You need to be productive and remember people have it worse than your privileged life.” And then some.

“When I was your age I didn’t always have running water. Or food on the table. My father died and my mother was abusive… I’m so happy I moved to this amazing country when your mother was young. Anyway just count your blessings love.” She finishes cheerily.

Clarke cried herself to sleep that night. She felt guilty, ashamed and like a burden.

“You’ll get over it”

“Stop being so negative”

“Just be happy and have some water.”

“Push away the negative emotions”

These comments were constantly thrown her way by her peers, friends, family, colleagues, and teachers for many years to come. She tried to believe it.

 

* * *

 

 

Becoming a teenager was tough, just like it is for most. It’s confusing, frustrating and weird. But also exciting.

Clarke with help from family and therapist learned what to value in friendships and what makes her happy. Just like Sam did. People like Becca weren’t a part of that. Soon enough Becca moved schools, after teacher and parent dramas between the two girls, Becca left and it was time for Clarke to get better friends. And that’s what she did. She met two of her next close friends. Raven Reyes and Costia Russell in community theatre.

At thirteen Clarke liked to do theatre on the side to boost her confidence levels, she liked exploring and escaping into new worlds. She always had a knack for it as a kid and loved creating worlds with her Barbies. It was just like the role-playing she did when she was younger but more structured of course. She tried to keep smiling despite fighting the demons buried within herself. Her mother’s suggestion to try theatre was a great one but a scary one.

Raven was just as funny and quirky as Clarke could be. They instantly clicked. She felt like she could be herself around Raven, she reminded her of Sam, she knew they’d get along. They became quick friends. Theatre was stressful and they were glad they had each other throughout. They grew up together with it.

Unfortunately Raven went to a different school so Clarke didn’t see her as much as she would have liked to. But nonetheless, they kept in contact by texting and calling each other. Sleepovers and parties. As well as signing up to perform in shows together.

Costia was a part of the cast as well. She was mainly a dancer, something Clarke wasn’t really skilled at. She knew Costia from school as well, she was a new girl and Clarke decided that since they did theatre together why not hang out at school and show her around. Costia was forthright and overly confident at first, and to be honest startled Clarke. But after a while, they grew close and formed a solid friendship. The three girls were inseparable in the theatre.

Clarke knew from then on she wanted to be an actress and perform as long as she could into her adulthood. Theatre was scary but it was also thrilling. Clarke becomes addicted to the thrill. It reminded her of her favourite theme park rides. She was terrified at first but once pushed into it she loved it and wanted more. Plus she had three amazing friends by her side. There was a glimmer of hope in her life again. Despite the negative, she wanted to be better and do better.

* * *

 


	2. Lexa younger years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So we saw a bit of Clarke and her childhood and what type of person she is. YAY. Now lets switch over to Lexa!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda less detailed then the first one... I think? I originally wrote more Clarke chapters first and had only just started writing the Lexa chapters- but I thought I would push/bump this chapter up earlier!

**Chapter 2**

_Lexa Woods, new beginnings, schools, parents, sister, friends_

It was a warm but breezy Wednesday at TonDC secondary school. Most of the students were in their classrooms learning and listening to their teacher’s classroom lectures. Some were out misbehaving in the school halls and bathrooms.

A particular class of students in grade six were performing speeches for their classes about themselves and what they wanted to be when they were to grow up. As assigned by their teacher. A get to know your classmates and make new friends segment. Also an introduction to the new school year. The teacher wanted to get the student to write in the form of an essay about themselves and found out some of their own histories.

But do it in a minimum of five minutes.

Lexa found this extremely hard and odd. She couldn’t talk about her family history in five minutes. She had a problem with being concise. Wanting to get all the facts and trying to discover new things and bring different angles to them. She also loved writing and could write for hours and let time slip away from her.

It was Lexa’s turn to get up next. She was nervous about the time restraint but knew she did the best she could do. She wanted to do herself and her family justice and tell her class all the interesting things about her. But she also noticed looking around the room that most of them couldn’t care less and would rather focus on scribbling drawings or write last minute notes to their speeches.

She really hoped this year would be interesting, and she made new friends. Lexa never really ‘fit in’. She was usually the reserved kid and the shy girl who would rather eat her lunch alone instead of scoffing it down and running off to wrestle and play tag. She also preferred to spend more time writing her stories. Sometimes she drew inspiration from the jungle of kids around her.

The class clapping around her snapped her out of her daydream and she started to scramble to her feet and grab her small pieces of paper she cut out to read to the class. Palm cards.

She tucked a strand of her curly brown locks behind her ears. She didn't usually wear her hair out but she thought it suited the get to know you part of class.

She looked around the room and some people were paying attention while others looked like they were somewhere else entirely. Her best friend Lincoln is next to her desk smiling widely and giving a thumbs up. His brown eyes beaming and his dark hair shining as sunlight beams through the class windows. She softly smiles back and hopes he at least enjoys her speech.

Her teacher nods at Lexa to begin and Lexa takes a deep breathe looking down at her speech to begin.

“Hello my name is Lexa Woods and today I’m gonna tell you a little bit about me”

She clears her throat. Her big green eyes follows the words she has written on her cards.

“I was born in 1995 in California, the United States of America. My parents are Sandra Woods and Gustus Woods. They got married a couple of years ‘fore I was born, in Australia. Because my dad is from Sydney, Australia. Which I think is cool because he’s seen kangaroos and kolas. Which happens to be my favourite animal.”

She looks up and smiles. Then looks straight back down again nervously.

“I’m also an only child, but I have lots of cousins who I like to play with. Umm, my dad’s job is lighting the sets of theatres (sometimes I get to watch free shows ‘cause of it) and my mum’s job is a real estate agent.

My favourite colour is blue. And my favourite thing to do is write stories.”

She hears a few giggles from the class but chooses to ignore and continue.

“I would say I’m more of a creative person, but I do like to play some sports. I actually won a trophy in soccer once.  
I really like animals and I think one day I’d like to work with animals because they are mysterious and also loving.  
I’m not really sure about what I want to do when I grow up but I hope it involves being creative. Or animals. Maybe a marine biologist.  
I do know that I want a big family and I want to be happy and feel like I’ve done something good for the world.”

She sighs and clears her throat again. She’s up to the must answer questions assigned from her teacher.

“My favourite Disney movie is Beauty and the beast because Belle loves reading books. I also think it is a funny movie with some funny characters.  
And If I were to bring three things on a deserted island I would bring my best friend Lincoln, a fire tool, and an ax.  
Thank you for listening to my speech about me, I hope you enjoyed it and learned something new about me.”

It’s silent for a few moments. But Lincoln starts clapping and smiling at Lexa encouragingly. The rest of the class clap a bit softer than usual but she appreciates it. Some people roll their eyes but she ignores them, Lexa’s just glad it’s over and done with.

She wishes she could talk about more, about how she and Lincoln have been friends since they were eight and they played soccer together becoming friends straight away through that. Or how she loved her mum’s cooking and loved to try and mimic it. Or how she and her dad were really close and would always find something to laugh about. Or what stories she wrote about. Or the theatre that she saw inspired her. Or more about her family overseas.

But she also enjoyed that she didn’t say too much about herself, she wanted only people close to her to know certain things about her.

Lincoln knew almost everything about her. They were best friends. She didn’t think of him romantically as others claimed. She was kind of grossed out by the thought. She thought of him almost like a brother and nothing more.

Lexa’s mum had stopped them from doing sleepovers when they were twelve. She didn’t think it was appropriate anymore. Lexa thought that was beyond cruel and frustrating. Lincoln joked about it and said they could still be best friends though, she enjoyed how easy going he was. He also made the joke that Lexa would rather be with a girl than him. Lexa didn’t understand that at first, but once Lincoln explained that girls can have relationships with girls, it started to make sense. He said his aunt was gay and he loved her the most because she was the coolest. Lexa smiled at the idea and thought it was nice that girls could be like that. And boys. She just wasn’t sure if she was like what Lincoln said. She never gave it much thought.

She never thought of boys romantically and she didn’t think she thought of girls like that.

And when she asked her parents about it they got all weird and dismissive so she thought she could worry about it another time.

* * *

Sometime had flown past since her first day at school in grade six. The air was becoming colder and people were beginning to stay indoors a bit more. Lexa didn’t mind it though. She thought it was the perfect time to go to the beach or parks. It wasn’t too hot or too cold.

Lexa and Lincoln most weekends tried to go outdoors and play mock games of soccer or any game they could think of. Sometimes Lincolns school friends joined and other times it was Lincoln and Lexa by themselves.

This particular weekend it was just the two of them strolling along the beach and passing the ball to each other, talking about school, home life or nothing at all.

They both liked to get out and away to just relax and play around.

Gustus had driven them out to the beach while he went to do some work meeting at a café nearby. He gave them a twenty dollar bill if they got hungry. So Lincoln begged Lexa to spend the money on valuable things like ice-cream and hotdogs. Lexa rolled her eyes at this but went along with it. They had finished their hotdogs but were onto their ice-creams.

They stood a few feet apart softly kicking the ball between them all the while focusing on eating their ice-creams that would soon become sticky in their hands.Luckily her thick curly hair way up in a high pony tail with only some strands of hair falling around her face.

Lincoln was rambling about some of the boys in the year above them trying to pick a fight and wanted to fight through games of sport. Apparently, it was a reoccurring thing. Lincoln didn’t understand why the boys got aggressive so often. He even mentioned how he envied Lexa because she spent most lunch breaks in the library. She scoffed at that. She enjoyed spending her breaks in the library but wished she would spend more time outside. She couldn’t help that most kids were being idiots.

While Lincoln rambled Lexa started to notice a couple of older kids walk towards them. The closer they got she realised they weren’t actually kids. They were maybe in their early twenties? Senior school age at the least. There was five of them. Three girls and two guys. All dressed ready to swim in the ocean.

Lincoln stopped passing the ball and flopped down on the sand and tried to roll the ball on his finger. He still rambled on though. Lexa tried to listen to him but she lost focus again as she got a closer look at the group.

The couple that led the group was a girl and a boy. The girl was holding on to the boys back trying to let him carry her. They were smiling brightly. The next couple was two girls holding hands slightly swaying, they were very close to each other like they couldn’t bear to not be near each other. The boy next to them looked like he was telling a funny story because the girls were laughing at him.

One girl was wearing a pink triangle bikini, her hair was long and flowy with blonde locks swaying in the wind. While her girlfriend wore a white see through singlet over her own bikini. She had short dark hair, almost like a typical boy haircut. She had a tattoo on her leg as well. Lexa began dissecting the girl couple, how their bodies moved, and the way they looked at each other.

Lexa thought maybe they were just friends, close friends. But she was soon proved wrong when the other friends went towards the ocean and the two girls stayed behind. The Blond girl wrapped her arms around brunette girl’s neck. Brunette girl pulled the blonde girl closer to her body and held her hips. They started making out.

Lexa felt weird for staring but she couldn’t look away. She continued licking her ice-cream. She suddenly felt self-conscience in her denim shorts and her singlet. The girl’s bodies were really nice. The blonde one had a body like the models she saw in the movies or in magazines. Whereas the other girl had wider hips and fuller thighs and a perkier butt. But she thought both bodies were perfect regardless. Lexa wondered if her body would grow like either of them. Lexa found herself completely in awe. She started to feel bad though. She shouldn’t be looking at them. But then she started to notice their boobs and she couldn’t help but lick her lips. Both girls had generous sized breast. Lexa’s breast weren’t like that.

The girls broke from their kiss and held each other for a while.

Lincoln then throw the ball at her face, which made her drop her ice cream in the sand. She had been caught. Lincoln was laughing.

“Why aren’t you listening to me Lex? Whatcha looking at?”

He turned around to see the scene Lexa was looking at. Lexa felt embarrassed and a hot flush of red began to appear on her cheeks.

Lincoln turned back around smirking at Lexa and then jumped to his feet and moved closer to her.

“Sorry to ruin your ice-cream but you should be listening to me and not watching two girl’s pashing.” He stated and crossed his arms and started laughing at Lexa again.

“I was not- I just – I um- you- they were” she started stuttering trying to come up with an excuse. This only made Lincoln laugh harder. He shoved her shoulder and said “You’re hilarious Lex, don’t worry you can’t help that your into it.” he suggestively raised his eyebrows.

Lexa rolled her eyes and shoved him back. “Am not”

“Are too!” Lincoln pushed her again.

Lexa huffed and crossed her arms over her chest in frustration. She was only just- she wasn’t sure- daydreaming? And now she had no ice-cream because of him.

Lincoln settled down his laughter and wrapped an arm around Lexa’s shoulders. Now they were both facing the couple who were now doing each other’s sunscreen.

“Lexa stop denying it. You want that.” He suggested to the two girls “over that” then pointed to the girl and boy splashing each other in the ocean.

It wasn’t like a light bulb switched on in her head but she could see his point. She started to think about her encounters with girls over boys. How she always admired girls.

“Who’s to say I don’t want both? Mmmm?” she raised her eyebrow at him. He sighed “Maybe, but if you did you would’ve kissed me by now”

At that Lexa shoved Lincoln from her. “Gross Linc!” she couldn’t help but laugh.

He smiled widely and threw his arms in the air “Exactly! You don’t like boys okay? And that’s fine I mean I’m pretty good looking so you are obviously gay!”

She started to feel a bit self-conscience again. Gay? But Lincoln stood in front of her and placed his hands on her shoulders.

“Lexa. I’ve known for ages and you’re still my best friend. Don’t stress. Just don’t go perving on girls while ignoring me. Or at least show ‘em to me.”

She rolled her eyes and smacked his arms. She knew he was joking and trying to lighten the mood.

“Hey! Fine I’m sorry, I’ll get you some ice-cream? My shout.” he made a pout and started batting his eyelashes.

“It’s my dad’s money, you idiot” she started laughing. And he shrugged his shoulders. She was sick of this conversation and actually did want some ice-cream. So she picked up their ball and started running away giggling to get closer to the ice-cream shop.

* * *

Lexa was gay. She knew it and most people at school knew it. She got a handful of reactions.

Some girls were freaked out by it, some of the older girls giving her a high five. Some boys laughing and being stupid about it and some boys asking her to join their LGBT club meeting held every Friday after school. She didn’t really understand it all, especially the reactions. But she thought she may as well go along with it.

But at the end of the day, she knew she was gay.

Lexa loved going to the library and renting out historical texts, social texts, ‘becoming a women’ texts, plays, biology.  The list went on. She craved to know more about what her life meant. But one day she was lost from one topic to the next. Usually, the other times when she got lost she would get confused about how she went from one thing to another and take a break.

This time was different. It was in the ‘becoming a woman’ book where she flicked through a section of hormones, to periods, to sexual desires than to gay relationships. The next thing she knew she was taking an “am I gay” quiz, discreetly not wanting to be caught.

And not that a quiz result should determine your sexual orientation but just by looking at the questions asked to her she realised she might be different. Different being not straight. Not liking the opposite gender.

So being curious and wanting to know more and figuring out what that quiz meant, Lexa went further looking up lesbian and gay texts. Soon she was in a bottomless pit of facts, analogies, histories, positions, STD’s, pride parades, genders, and sexual orientations. She was overwhelmed and although she felt like she learned more about the world and possibly about herself she was also exhausted, and maybe knew less.

Lexa tends to overwhelm herself a lot as shes becoming older. Once she finds something intriguing she doesn’t stop until she thinks she has all the facts.

She also realises she can write so much more complex stories. That makes her smile.

So Lexa thinks she knows she’s gay. She’s not sure who to go to. But seeing as Lincoln apparently knew already, she would and did go to her best friend. Maybe even his aunties.

She needed another person to talk to about this. Books couldn’t help her anymore with this.

 

* * *

 

 

At thirteen Lexa finds out she has an older half-sister called Anya. Anya was eighteen and lived with their grandparents in San Diego.

Lexa and Gustus find out about it on a cold weekend. It turns out her mother Sandra had been keeping Anya a secret and was waiting for the right time to tell the family.

Apparently, when her mum was sixteen she fell pregnant with her high school sweetheart’s child. Sandra’s parents were disgusted by this but believed that she should keep the baby. They helped her pay for it all. But once Sandra had baby Anya they said that once Sandra graduates from school she had to leave and let them adopt Anya as they’re own. That it was her mistake and she had to pay the consequences. They believed Sandra wasn’t fit or old enough to be a parent. Sandra didn't believe so either.

So at eighteen Sandra moved out of her parent's house and in with her high school boyfriend and left her two-year-old daughter who she was rarely able to visit.

Sandra didn’t know her rights or how to fight for her baby and herself but thought it was better for baby Anya to have a safe financially stable place to live.

Her high school boyfriend soon dumped her and Sandra had to find a way to live thus sacrificing her baby’s relationship with its mother.

She soon met Gustus and they traveled together forming a strong relationship. They got married and soon had Lexa. But Sandra never told them about Anya. She thought that since she wasn’t legally hers anymore she didn’t have any right to mention it. She wanted to move past it. She hadn’t spoken or heard from her parents since and wanted to forget that part of her past.

It was though she compartmentalized that part of her life. 

It’s only now that Anya is eighteen and graduating and basically an adult she wanted to find her real mum. She contacted Sandra and Sandra had to tell Lexa and Gustus.

Gustus was furious and felt like he didn’t know his wife anymore. Lexa was confused that her mum could keep such a big secret from her. But she was also anxious because she had an older sister. One she knew nothing about. Should she be upset, angry, understanding?

After a couple of weeks of contacting Anya, Lexa's parents had decided they wanted to meet Anya. At first, it was confronting. None of them knew each other at all. So they were all awkward. But Sandra made the effort to apologise and made sure Anya felt comfortable, as best as she could.

Anya kept staring curiously at Lexa. She looked hurt as well. Hurt that her mother built a life without her. Anya had long wavy dark blonde hair and piercing green eyes like her mothers. she was slightly tanner then Lexa and stood tall. Much like Gustus- but she knew they weren't related.

Lexa never knew her grandparents and now more than ever didn’t want to. Hearing stories about how they treated her mum through her rough time was awful. Anya opened up about some of the things they did to her. She practically lived as their slave Anya said, and as they grew older it got worse. Anya was doing chores that most children wouldn't do, looking after her guardians that most children hadn't or didn't know how. She felt like she never truly belonged anywhere. She also hated the church because of her grandparents. Once people found out who Anya really was, conceived out of wedlock, she was hated. They would call her bastard baby behind her back. They kept her outside the hall to wait for her grandparents as they stayed inside the church hall. This apparently first started happening when Anya was eleven.

Lexa hated hearing these stories, she felt bad for her new sister. She wished she could’ve grown up with her, made her life easier, showed her what a loving family really was.

Soon after the meeting although Gustus was still upset, he asked Anya to live with them seeing as she had no place left to go and she was family. He even went through all the legalities with Anya. Letting her make a decision she was comfortable with. Sandra sobbed and apologised to Anya. She hated that her own flesh and blood went through that. She told her that she was safe in their home if she wanted to stay.

Lexa really looked up to Gustus after what he was doing for Anya, when he didn’t have to. Lexa although could see the distress she could also see how devoted he was to her mother and wanted to help Anya. But was also struggling with the lie that his own wife hid from him for many years.

Anya decided to stay, she didn't have many better options. A couple of months flew by and Anya was officially living in the guest bedroom. It was an adjustment and trying to match schedules and learn to live with each other but it was going alright considering. It was bizarre having a whole new person with new dynamics to bring to the house. Lexa didn't think her life would change as much, but it did. Some for the better but some also for the worse.

Anya was starting to slowly open up to the family and Lexa could see her starting to smile more. Lexa enjoyed her company. She really wanted to bond with her sister

* * *

 

Lexa had only really come out to some people at school but not her family. Although it had been a bit over a year since realising she still took her time figuring it out. Making sure that it was true. Some people said it would be a phase or that it was on trend. She didn’t really believe those statements but still was committed to double checking she was gay.

She knew certain things would change for her. She read and heard about harassment and discrimination. She heard a lot of it from Lincoln’s aunties, (she was more than grateful her best friend wanted to help her) the women tried to not make it seem scary but rather freedom in being who you truly are. Lexa probably focused on the negative more. The bad history that came with being gay.

Around when Anya came into the picture she knew it was certain then.

She was afraid of how her family would react if she was really honest with herself. She didn’t want to be rejected or viewed any differently. She also knew there was a whole new kind of tension with her new sister Anya in the mix. So she wanted to let it be for a while.

It’s not like Anya was an awful person she was just very reserved and it took her a while to open up, creating confusion in some areas. Lexa didn’t know what was right and wrong to do around her. Plus Anya was out of school and basically ready to be an adult. Lexa was only going through the beginning stages of ‘being a women’ was.

She wasn’t sure if Anya would find her too childish and boring. Lexa really did want her new big sister to like her. Because she wanted to have a happy family and for Anya to form better relationships. She had at times thought of how it would feel like having an older sister. To share toys and books with, to play with while her parents were busy, to talk about growing up or school with. Lexa was sure Anya wondered the same, what it felt like to have a younger sister. Lexa thought for sure just like herself Anya wanted someone to confide to when life got tough.

Sure Lexa had Lincoln but there was only so much he could understand.

 

* * *

 

Gustus was away for the weekend touring a show in another city. Sandra was out celebrating a friends 40th birthday. Lexa and Anya were stuck together for the weekend. It was the longest time she had spent alone with Anya.

Anya didn’t seem too bothered by this which Lexa took as a good sign. But Lexa also wanted to use this as an opportunity to really open up with her new sister.

So Lexa tried to plan a good time to talk with her sister. They had take away pizza for dinner and while Lexa was in her room doing homework, Anya was watching a movie.

Lexa decided that after her homework she would make her move to go join Anya and go from there. Improvise.

She saw Anya splayed across the couch biting her lip as she trained her eyes on the screen in front of her.

Lexa slowly approached her and sat on the couch next to her. Anya noticed and offered a smile but resumed watching the movie.

Lexa had obviously had conversations with Anya before but none that really meant anything. They were comfortable enough around each other but still, always room for improvement.

Lexa decided tonight was the night for that to change. She was eager and restless to learn more.

“Whatcha watching” Lexa voiced almost sing songly

Anya’s eyebrows furrowed slightly but she still looked at the screen. “Uh back to the future, the second one”

Lexa softly nodded. “It’s a good movie”

This time Anya looked at her and nodded while smiling softly then looked back at the screen.

Lexa started playing with her cuticles on her nails anxiously. She was really bad at this.

After a few moments, she was sure Anya noticed her fidgeting.

“Do you need something, Lexa?” Anya asked still focused on the screen

Lexa shook her head.

Anya smirked and looked at Lexa again.

“You sure?”

“Umm I don’t think so” Lexa let out a breath.

Anya’s smirk widened. It kind of reminded her of her- their mother. “You don’t think so?”

Lexa bit her lip. “No…”

Anya nods and shakes her head and then goes back to watching the movie. A few moments pass.

Lexa let out a sigh and then decided to just wing it. “Do you like being eighteen?”

Anya smirked but still looked at the TV. She seemed highly amused. “That’s what you wanna ask me?”

Lexa’s eyes darted. “Um I guess”

Anya turned to face Lexa more. “Ha… okay then. Well, it’s alright. Apart from the fact that I should know what I want to do with my life by now and I have no idea whatsoever” Anya finished with a shrug.

Lexa was now feeling slightly uncomfortable, not sure what to say to that. “Umm”

Anya continued “Yeah, but its good I guess, just trying not to be a failure”

“Oh I’m sorry” Lexa squeaked.

“Nah it’s all good, I’m sorry, that was too much. Did you actually want to chat?” Anya grabbed the remote and turned down the volume on the TV.

“Um okay, yeah okay,” Lexa said slightly more confidently.

Anya grinned at Lexa. “What do you wanna talk about?”

Lexa shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, I’m being-” she somewhat rambled.

But Anya cut her off. “Hey don’t worry Lexa… How about we play a game?”

“What game?” Lexa smiled as well feeling happy with where this was going.

“Question game, you ask a question and I answer it, then I ask a question and you answer it?” Anya was now sitting up and facing her with her whole body. She seemed relaxed.

“Okay sounds fun”

Anya smiled wider. Which then made Lexa smile. “Okay, I’ll go first. Uhh. Favourite class at school?” Anya asked.

“Easy. English. Um, what’s your biggest secret?” Lexa let off quickly.

Anya laughed slightly. “Jeez going into the deep end straight away. Um. Okay, but don’t judge. I’ve got a tattoo. I’ve hidden it ‘cause well you know. It’s a back tattoo. It’s pretty big. My old friend did it for me. Not many people know about it.” she winked at Lexa. “Okay, my question is the same. Biggest secret?”

Lexa was surprised by her honesty but was happy to learn more. She liked the game and thought it was kind of cool her sister had a tattoo. She knew her biggest secret at the moment might cause some conflict but she really wanted to get it out so she huffed and said;

“I like girls. Only girls.” She started feeling restless again but kept her eyes on Anya who seemed not at all phased by her answer.

“Okay sweet. Your turn to ask me a question”

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows. “Wait. That’s all you’ve got to say?”

Anya was now looking slightly confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I just- I just came out to you…” Lexa found herself lost for words. What did this mean?

“You did,” Anya commented bluntly.

“And?” Lexa let out worryingly.

Anya smiled. “It’s all good Lexa. What else do you want me to say?” she shrugged.

“I mean I don’t know. I just thought I don’t know you’d be… upset maybe?” she muttered.

“Lexa I’m not upset by it. It’s honestly all good.” Anya moved closer to Lexa now.

“But-”

But Anya didn’t let her finish. “Honestly Lexa, it’s so good that you’ve figured this out now. But honestly, despite everything, I don’t care who you like or don’t like. As long as you’re happy and safe. You’re a good kid. Don’t stress okay?” Anya reached over and grabbed Lexa’s hand. Lexa was at a loss for words. She didn’t expect this. She was so afraid of the possible rejection.

“So you’re okay with me- you want me to be happy?” Lexa said softly.

“Yes and yes, Lexa. I don’t know if someone’s given you a bad time about this. But you’re still you, I’ll be here for you no matter what. I happen to really like you as a sister so far.” With that, she winked at Lexa and Lexa laughed at that.

“Besides I’ve dabbled myself a few times. Love is love and all that crap.” At that statement, Lexa’s eyebrows shot up surprised but she giggled along with her sister.

“Okay”

Anya sighed. “Awesome. Now, you can talk to me about that gay stuff whenever but also we are in the middle of playing a game and it’s your turn so -shoot.” Anya giggled moving closer to Lexa.

Lexa felt nothing but elated. She couldn’t have wished for a better response. Lexa and Anya played the question game for a couple more hours until Anya told her to go to bed seeing that Lexa was clearly tired. They hugged for the first time that night and Lexa wanted to get used to that.

She really liked Anya. Anya was a bit like her own mother but Anya was much wittier and carefree. Whereas Sandra seemed a bit more stern, stubborn, isolated and busy, not really as down to earth like her father and now Anya.

As months continued with Anya living with them it soon becomes a whole year of living together. Anya is nineteen and Lexa is fourteen. But with that her mother became busier, her dad mostly hung out with the girls. Lexa had a feeling something was happening between her parents like her mother was drifting away. But she didn’t want to overstep. She was fine focusing on other things.

 

* * *

 

Lexa hadn’t been sleeping well for a while now. Ever since her mother started to come home late and her dad would stay up waiting for her. Some night’s she would hear them arguing, some nights it was screaming matches and some nights she could hear crying.

She was already a light sleeper and hearing her parents late at night didn’t do anything but heighten her anxieties and stresses. Anya had told Lexa it was normal for couples to fight. But surely not this much. Anya had made a joke that it was about herself. But Lexa assured her that it couldn’t be. She really had no idea.

Anya also said she heard what they fought about but Lexa didn’t want to know. Either way when Lexa stressed out about it, Anya would usually try and distract her. Sometimes it helped but now with Anya possibly asleep in another room she had no way of distracting her racing thoughts. She would text Lincoln but he was never up this late. He slept like a log.

So she just wrapped her arms around her body and squeezed her eyes shut. She tried to think of happy memories. Thoughts of her dad came to her mind. Her dad was considered a friendly giant by kids when she was little. He would usually carry Lexa on his shoulders while the kids below her asked for a turn at being high up in the sky like Lexa.

Her dad worked less than her mum in the beginning of her childhood. So he would usually spend most days with Lexa. Storytelling, painting, watching movies, running in the backyard playing whatever sport they wanted to that day. He wanted her to try everything. So he got her to take dancing classes- she didn’t like them. He took her to baseball games and football games- she liked them. Gustus did some karate classes with her, swimming classes, art classes, skating classes, and even theatre classes. He said he wanted her to try everything before she ruled it out. So she was constantly busy. He also had a lot of time for her as she was the only child.

But no matter what he made sure she was smiling and having fun. He even enjoyed doing the classes himself.  She always thought he looked goofy in a class usually made up of smaller people. But he didn’t care. She loved that about him.

As she grew older and realised what it was he actually did aside from being her dad, he started taking her into his rehearsals. She held his hand as he walked her through stages and sets. She sat in his lap as he talked to directors and writers about their vision for the show. Because he had been a part of the industry for a while he took on a lot of jobs and task, but he mainly liked doing the tech.

She loved watching the actors perform as her dad lit up the stage. She really liked the different stories as well being told. Sometimes she would read the script if the directors let her and she found herself lost in the story telling. She fell in love with stories then. She started writing scripts herself and would bring them to her dad to read. He said she would make a good writer someday.

Lexa slowly drifted to sleep at that thought. She loved spending time with her dad.

-

Lexa woke up to someone shoving her shoulders. Anya started whispering in her ear to wake up but Lexa moaned and tried to ignore her sister.

“Come on Lexa we really need to go” Anya sounded frustrated.

“But its Saturday” Lexa croaked out.

“I know but please mum said-” before Anya could finish her sentence, she heard yelling outside her room.

“Stay the fuck away from me Sandra! I’m so fucking done!”

“Gustus will you please- the girls” she made out to be her mum yelling back.

Lexa was confused now. Why were they fighting now? And why did Anya and Lexa need to leave?

“Lex come on” Anya spoke sympathetically. At this Lexa got up and searched for her sweatshirt to throw on over her top. Anya said she didn’t need to dress up but they should go for a drive for a while to give their parents some space.

Lexa did what Anya said. But as they were trying to leave they caught on to the conversation. Anya was pulling her arm, desperate to leave.

“I’m sorry Gus I didn’t mean to-” she heard her mother start to cry.

“To ruin this family? To ruin our relationship? To ruin your daughter’s lives?” her dad seemed really emotional at this point. She knew once he was upset he had a tendency to blow up. Then she made the mistake to look at them in the room they were trying to avoid. The parents were both red faced. Crying.

“Gustus please be calm and-”

“I’ve been nothing but calm and patient, but now? I can’t believe you- I thought we were- I just thought it wasn’t that big a deal- but fuck” Gustus started failing to come up with words. She hadn’t heard her dad swear like this before.

“Gus-” Sandra tried to interrupt and explain.

“Don’t Gus me- you fucking lied to me. You slept with- with another - another fucking man” Gustus threw his arms hopelessly.

Lexa couldn’t believe what she was hearing and she froze and Anya struggled to keep her from moving. Anya seemed to want to avoid this. As though she knew this would happen.

Her mother was the first one to notice the girls. Her eyes were red brimmed with tears flowing. Her mouth trembling.

“Mom? Dad?-” Lexa asked, then her dad turned to face them. Anya stood helplessly holding onto Lexa’s arm. His face was just as torn as her mothers.

Her mother’s eyes were darting between the two girls “Lexa honey you need to leave me and your dad to talk- everything will be okay-” Sandra was playing with her hands restlessly.

“Nothing is okay Sandra. Not anymore.” He spat at her mother, he wasn’t yelling anymore. “She fucking deserves to know” he gritted out. He stared angrily at her mother but then turned to Lexa and she had never seen so much hate in his eyes before.

Lexa sucked in a breath. Sandra sent Anya a look and Anya then was pulling Lexa out of the house. Lexa went willingly. She was still trying grasp what had happened.

Before she could realise it. Anya was reversing out of the driveway and they were both driving away with no destination.

Lexa could feel her heart beat quickening. She replayed the conversation in her head over and over again. She gripped onto the side of her seat. She felt hot. Too hot.

Her mom cheated on her dad? How could she? Why did she? After everything? Was it a mistake? Did Gustus do something? Did she do something?

Anya noticed Lexa biting the inside of her cheek and clenching her jaw.

She sighed out “Lex”

“Did you know?” Lexa suddenly spat out.

“What?” Anya got defensive

“Did you know about mum?” Lexa shouted. She was so angry and confused.

Anya froze and Lexa could tell she was taken back and pissed off by that comment. “What, of course not? I just found out as they were yelling. Mom asked me to get you out of the house.” Anya tried to stay calm but her it was failing.

“Are you lying to me?” Lexa spat out and looked at Anya, her jaw started to hurt, she could feel her eyes started to tear up. She was breathing rapidly by this point.

“Fuck- of course not Lexa!” Anya looked at Lexa now and her mood shifted as she saw Lexa. She then started slowing down and found a place to park. “Hey Lexa, just take a breath it’s going to be okay.” Anya started to softly speak. Then Anya put on the hand break and undid her seat beat so she had easier access to Lexa. She held Lexa’s face in her hands.

“Listen to me. Hey Lex- you’re okay. You’re safe. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m here for you.” Anya spoke softly and started shushing Lexa to calm her down. It started to help. Lexa found her breath again. Then she realised she was crying.

After a couple of minutes, Lexa had calmed down but then buried her head in her sister's shoulder. Crying softly. Anya rubbed soothing circles on her back.

Her family was breaking.

 

* * *

 

Lexa found out most of the story as her mother sat her and Anya down to talk about why Gustus was going away for a little while. She was frustrated hurt and tired. She had never felt this bad.

Basically, her mother was beginning to get unhappy in her life and with the shock of her old life, she made a mistake she would regret. She also said they were probably getting a divorce but things need to calm down for a bit before things were official. Sandra said she understood if the girls were mad at her. She also made sure to let Anaya know that Gustus was still her dad in a sense and cared about her.

A week after their talk with their mom, Gustus came and spoke with the girls. He explained essentially what Sandra had, but he also apologised for his behaviour. He said he loved both of them but he and Sandra had to break up. He also said he was planning on moving far away, probably back with his family in Australia.

Lexa was shocked at this. She didn’t want any of this. She especially didn’t want her dad to move countries.

After a couple of weeks, Lexa made one of the hardest decisions of her life. To move to Australia with her dad. Both of her parents understood but both told her to reconsider her choice.

It’s not like she hated her mum. But she hated what her mum did. Especially given the history of everything. She wasn’t close with her mum usually but she couldn’t stand to be around her anymore not after the hurt that had happened.

Lexa was closer with her dad and she knew she wouldn’t cope without him. She also knew she’d meet her other family over there. She had always wanted to meet them and travel. It was an opportunity for new beginnings. Unfortunately, she would have to leave her best friend Lincoln and leave her older sister who she had only just started to form a strong connection too.

Anya actually helped her make the decision in the end. She said she was, of course, upset because she finally got a sister but they both had social media and phones. So they would stay in contact, even with Lincoln. Plus they would see each other again down the track.

It wasn’t forever. She said it would be good for Lexa to start again and find newer friends. Not that Lincoln was bad but he was starting to branch away in other directions. Anya also said it would be good for Gustus to have someone with him. He needed support. Anya thought maybe she could grow closer with her mother as well. Which of course would be harder after the divorce. But maybe it was a time for new beginnings.

Lexa thought about it for a long time. She finally got Lincolns opinion and he essentially agreed with everything Anya said. He said as long as Lexa was happy that was enough. But he said he would miss her like crazy and that they had to talk every day. He also added maybe there are more beach girls she could perv on. Lexa laughed at this. She knew Australia had cool beaches but she doubts it would be the same without Lincoln.

So she made her decision. She sold some of her stuff. Packed some of it and the rest Sandra kept in a spare room. Just so Lexa knew she still had a place at her home.

Her dad helped her organise passport stuff. Told her how the school would go. Explained the time difference, the money difference, the weather, all of it. Lexa bought a bunch of books to read so she knew about the new place she was going to call home.

Sandra helped out as well but her and Gustus still weren’t speaking so it was difficult for a while. But after a few more weeks Lexa and Gustus were ready to leave. It was also a good time to start in Australia as a new school semester had just started over there so she didn’t have much to catch up on.

-

After the longest plane trip, they finally landed in Sydney, Australia. and it was hot. It was strange seeing a new country that kind of looked the same but then she noticed the differences in the accents. The cars driving on the opposite side of the road. It was also less busy than some cites she had seen. It was also big. Really big. It seemed more laid back as well. She was nervous but even more eager to begin. She knew she had a lot more to learn about this country but she was ready.

Her dad seemed comfortable here as well. He almost seemed relieved. The first family she met were the ones to pick them up from the airport and were giving them space to live until they were ready to rent an apartment. Lexa found that amazing. That her dad had a caring family, which cared enough to have them live in their house.

It was her dad’s brother and his wife. She could definitely see the resemblance between the brothers. Both were friendly giants.

Gustus explained to Lexa that he had old friends here ready to give him a job and were happy for him to join once they settled in.

Leaving the airport Lexa held her dad’s hand the whole way to the car. She knew she was a bit too old to do this but she knew it comforted him and in a way comforted her.

The first week she meets a lot of her family. Her dad’s sister was next and her four kids.  She learned her uncle who had picked them up from the airport had just gotten married and they were planning on having kids.

She then met her dad’s cousin and her family. She then met her grandparents. She had spoken to them on the phone a couple of times but never met them. They were ecstatic to meet Lexa. Lexa and her grandfather bonded over sports while Lexa and her grandmother bonded over books and telling funny stories about Gustus. She felt really comfortable around them. They also gave her lots of presents. So she wasn’t complaining.

Then finally went to a barbeque where all of her dad's old friends were, along with their family and kids. Most kids were younger then Lexa. But she didn’t mind. Everyone was friendly enough.

The second week her dad and her went traveling through the city. He wanted to have alone time with her. To make sure she was okay and adjusting well. They went to the Sydney opera house. Crossed the Harbor Bridge. Went shopping. Went to the zoos and aquariums as well. It was a lot to take in and a bit overwhelming.

But she enjoyed it. It was interesting seeing her dad’s home town and experiencing a different culture. She really enjoyed Australians as well. She thought they were really funny. It took her a while to understand them though.

Plus she saw a lot of kangaroo’s and koala’s, more so kangaroo’s especially in the suburban towns. She thought Lincoln would love this. Anya would probably complain about the time difference and weather. She assumed her mother would prefer the city. But she didn’t really want to think about her.

 

* * *

 

School goes as smoothly as it can for a new American student in an Australian school. It was weird wearing uniforms but she supposes she didn’t mind it. She also learned that birds badly swoop here.

She made a friend Luna. Luna was assigned to help Lexa become comfortable and understand where things were and so forth. Luna was eager for the task as well and became glued to Lexa’s hip as the days continued. Lexa didn’t mind the girl. She was homesick but Luna was really fun.

She messages Lincoln as much as she can. Although it’s hard because of the time zones. They didn’t really think about that. But she still talks to him and he eases her worries and teases her about Luna.

Anya and Lexa call each other once a week. Catching up with each other. Anya remains supportive and they grow closer despite the distance.

Lexa doesn’t speak to her mum for a long time. She counts on Anya to update her. And she does. Lexa can’t find it in her to talk to her yet.

Lexa and her dad are still close. Although it was tough finding a new place and settling in and trying to learn and adapt they still managed to get through it as a team. Lexa was proud of her dad. She could see the pain slowly ease away. She knew he still loved her mum but he was heartbroken. He also needed time. He become career focused, and Lexa couldn’t blame him.

Some nights she would have to cook her own dinner when he was out at work but she didn’t mind, her mum taught her how to cook anyway.

Weeks turned into months and Lexa had made a couple of friends, and a few of them were girls. Her main friend was Luna. Luna had lots of sleepovers at Lexa’s. She never had a girl best friend like this before.

She didn’t miss home as much anymore and was starting to think of Sydney as her new home and Luna helped her love it even more.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CUUUUUTE. Next chapter will go back to Clarke. I'll probably do a bit of back and forth for a little while until the characters meet/ are on the same time line.  
> Thanks for reading and keep telling me what you think! :)


	3. Clarke adolescence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...Warning... this chapter does have some pretty hectic scenes. There is swearing, mentions of self harm, drinking and assault.  
> I didn't pay a lot of attention to them as I could have, I just wanted to mention them though so you could see the way I'm painting Clarke as a person in this story. Hopefully this doesn't trigger or upset anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol Hi again! so I posted these chapters pretty close together just so people reading this could have a bit more of an understanding of where the story is going... enjoy

**CHAPTER 3**

_The end of school, friends, boys, social media, age 15-17, Costia and Raven, consequences, parties, firsts_

Senior school. Clarke’s newest milestone. She did it. She went through the tough and gritty and sometimes gross parts of becoming a teenager. But now here she was. Old enough to drive. Old enough to do things her twelve-year-old self could never dream of.

Her blonde hair was longer and had more waves then curls. Her facial bone structure more defined then her younger chubby cheeks. More freckles across her body after hot Australian summers. Her eyebrows shaped and darkened. Her breasts had finally stopped developing. She was slightly taller than her fourteen year old self but stopped growing. Her shoulders slightly broader and her waist pronounced and legs with more tone to them. Definitely matured.

Social media seemed to be in its prime. Constantly posting life updates, food updates, personal updates, TV updates. Taking pictures or selfies, comparing them to the celebrities or the popular students in the school. Stalking crushes, stalking the weirdos of the school and laughing at them, blocking them. Comparing bodies. Getting an inside look into everyone’s life. If you didn’t have any form of social media you were weird. Making sure to like or follow funny pages. Commenting on people pictures validating them. Or putting others down and bullying the weaklings who couldn’t handle it. Trying to gain more likes and follows, otherwise, you weren’t popular and no one liked you. Staying up late talking to your friends or boys you liked. Adding attractive students as friends and then trying to flirt online.

It was literal chaos. But it kept everyone connected.

Her classmates were in a frenzy to date, have sex, drink and try drugs, to be older, to be popular, and to be successful.

Clarke never really indulged in social media until she was about sixteen. She used to post pictures of her latest family dog Pepper, or her recent family trip. Maybe a funny picture or an update on what theatre show she was doing or sports she played. But it was rare and it was never important like it was now.

Now at sixteen in senior school, it meant a lot. Being liked meant a lot. Not just to Clarke but to all the students.

But Clarke didn’t want the stereotypical popularity or the movie ‘Mean Girls’ life. She wanted to be appreciated and cared about and did not envy the popular kids. Rather she thought most of them were obnoxious or boring.

Being at this school for eleven years had its quirks, Clarke did know most people. People who had grown up with her and have become different people over the years. Clarke was known by most. But wouldn’t call them her friends.

She still looked for more, more than what social media could give her. She wanted closeness again. Like she used to have with Sam.

Sam moved schools when they were fourteen moving inter-state, too far a distance to travel. Clarke was distraught when she eventually left but found comfort in Raven and Costia. Raven and Costia liked Sam but weren’t as close. Clarke didn’t know if she would be okay. She felt what heartbreak must feel like when Sam left.

Clarke tried to keep in contact but with time distance won. They still loved each other but they were different people now. It took some time to get used to but she did, she had to. She hoped one day when she was older she could travel to see Sam again.

Clarke found that in senior school a lot of things and mainly the people around her became fake. Like they were trying to be something they weren’t. Clarke found herself do it also.

It probably had to do with people pretending to be different on social media. But Clarke could see people shy away from the world. Put on masks. Shy away from intimacy like she had when she was younger. This world felt a bit colder. Friendships weren’t the same anymore, it was a new era of relationships. She missed the days going to the playground and just lying in the grass talking nonsense with her friends.

But it was time to grow up. Clarke couldn’t wait to leave school so her life could begin. She wanted to forget the dramas that school brought along. She craved to be free. Polis State School was starting to drag along now.

Costia would playfully tease Clarke about this. That Clarke needed to stay present and focus on the now and on finding a boyfriend like in the movies. As Costia would put it.

Costia loved the idea of romanticism, she craved the love and stories from the blockbusters. They used to go to the DVD store and check out all the romantic comedies.

Clarke liked the idea behind it but figured it was never for her. She had boys like her but they usually were the weirdest bunch from the crowd or she wasn’t interested. Or in some cases they teased her and went after her friends. When she did like someone it went away shortly. She liked the idea of a relationship but it never interested her. She had other things on her mind.

Whereas Costia wanted that life. She wanted a soul mate. She had been on lots more dates and had more love interest than Clarke. Costia said they were at the age where they would fall in love in high school and they’d share first kisses and touches. Now was the time to find our high school sweetheart and eventually live happily ever after.

Clarke struggled to believe that though. The last boy she texted she texted him for six months. He lived interstate but insisted they would meet one day. She liked the attention. She learned how to flirt through him. He could’ve catfished her, and she’ll never know. She stopped messaging him once he started sending dirty pictures. That made Clarke uncomfortable and sure she wanted to remain single for a long time.

Being the eldest of three siblings she had to do a lot of things first and didn’t really have anyone to look up to. Her parents lived a different life from her too.

At this age her siblings were different from their childhood selves.

Michael only cared about football and annoying his siblings and if he showed any interest in girls it was open mouthed staring at women with big breast.

Although he was just as energetic he also became that brother that liked to stir the pot. That made Clarke keep her distance, she didn’t want that drama. Plus she’d had enough throwdowns with Michael when they were growing up. They seemed to mutually decide not to fight anymore.

Chloe at thirteen almost fourteen was just grasping to understand what this life was for her, she had a new boyfriend every week, mainly depending on her mood. She was the typical girly girl. With the mean girl streak. The only thing she was interested in was painting nails, braiding hair, baking, and making bracelets.

But with Chloe at this age, Clarke had to soon help her with the ‘women’ side of things as well. She answered all her sisters’ questions about periods and where babies came from. Helped her learn to shave her legs and rub her abdomen when she got those unfortunate cramps.

When Clarke, Abby, and Chloe all got their periods around the same time it was not a nice house to live in. Abby doesn’t know how she does it with three hormonal teenagers under one roof. The boys are still learning.

Clarke’s baby brother Aden is eleven. He probably benefits the most from being in the family, being the baby and all. Being looked out for and learning from his sibling's mistakes. With that being said he does get upset when things don’t go his way and gets things an eleven year old Clarke could only dream of having at that age.

Clarke wishes she could have that person to learn from. But she also loves being the eldest, it has its rewards.

One night after school Raven and Costia stayed at Clarke’s house for a sleepover. Costia insisted they watch The Notebook.

They all pilled on Clarke’s bed and got comfy watching the screen from Raven’s laptop. Turning the volume up as loud as they could. Clarke’s hair up in a messy bun with odd socks on. Chewing on the last of her leftover lollies. Raven with her straight brown hair up in a high pony, munching away on her chips. Costia with her brunette with a tinge of red hair in its usual braids, nibbling on some chocolate chip cookies.

Clarke never cried in sad movies, instead, she watched her two friends and giggled when they started sobbing at the end of the movie. They had watched this movie too many times now.

“One day I want to find love just like _that_ ” Costia exclaims dramatically rolling over and flopping on Clarke’s queen sized bed. Raven nods stuffing chips in her mouth, sitting up cross-legged in the middle of the bed.

“Except for the dying part?” Clarke jokes.

Costia ignores her and dramatically continues “I want someone to grab me by the waist and kiss me until I can’t breathe”. She huffs and is on her back staring up at the ceiling in her own world.

“I want someone to make me breakfast in bed and cuddle me through the night” Raven adds still eating the remains from her chip packet.

Clarke smiles and shakes her head. Her friends sure did entertain her.

“C’ mon Clarke don’t act like you don’t want _that_ ”. Raven directs at Clarke and softly nudges her.

Clarke leans against her headboard with pillows against it. She shrugs. “Maybe”.

“Clarke really, stop lying to yourself. You want to be swept away.” Costia rolls until she’s facing Clarke. “You’re the most emotional out of us all. You’re always so affectionate and loving.”

Clarke sighs get ready for this conversation “That’s because I love _you_ _girls_ , you’re my best friends”. Clarke reaches for her drink to hold by her chest.

“ _But_ we can’t be everything for you. You need someone.” Costia states.

This time Raven grins and rolls her eyes at Costia’s topic of conversation. “Costia I know that you can’t and I don’t want it. Not now.” Clarke teases.

“Are you afraid or something?” Costia turns serious.

Clarke tries to lighten the mood. “I mean I’m afraid of a lot of things but I just don’t want that right now” she laughs a little. Raven laughs with her.

“But whyyy” Costia whines, she really wants to understand Clarke's mind about it. How could Clarke not want it?

“Costia leave it” Raven laughs at her friends, it’s getting too late and serious for her liking.

“Yes please” Clarke’s laughs and gratefully smiles at Raven. Sometimes Costia could get carried away needing an answer.

Costia sits up in an unimpressed huff. “No Clarke, I’m sick of this. It’s depressing. I mean, you must at least like someone?” Costia ignores her friends and asks.

Clarke really wants to keep the mood light but Costia’s persistence is getting frustrating. She doesn’t want to be ruthlessly questioned right now. And she definitely doesn’t want to be called depressing. She just wants to have fun with her friends.

“Nope,” Clarke gets out popping the ‘p’. She takes a sip from her cup of lemonade.

Costia annoyingly sighs “what are you _gay_ or something?” suggests throwing her arms in the air.

“Yes Costia I’m gay, that’s why I don’t want a relationship,” Clarke says sarcastically, not believing her friend could be so unrelenting.

Ravens back straightens sensing tension and she dives back into her chips. When things get emotional or serious she eats.

“I mean it’d make sense. You are really close to us.” Costia points out. Clarke is really confused to where this came from.

“But that’s just how we are” Raven joshers. They always joke about being wives and holding hands swinging their arms as they walk around the shops and sometimes school.

Costia isn’t giving up that easily though. “Yeah but Clarke even more so. Don’t think I don’t catch the way you stare at girls” Costia is smirking but remains serious. Unrelenting.

Clarke is flustered now. She can feel her heart racing the more this conversation goes on.

“What? I don’t do that- this is stupid I’m not a lesbian” Clarke tries to joke but it comes out forcefully. Her voice is betraying her.

“It’s okay if you were” Raven tries to make the conversation light-hearted.

“Thanks, but I’m not” Clarke sarcastically snorts.

She is beyond done talking about this. Now, all of a sudden because she doesn’t want a relationship. She’s a lesbian. And because she’s affectionate with her best friends that make her even gayer. This is random. Absurd and annoying. Why must it come down to this? There’s nothing wrong with Clarke wanting to be single.

Costia chimes back in. “I mean it would be _kinda_ weird because we're all girls but that’s just what I think.” Her voice going up an octave.

Clarke’s eyes go wide. What is that supposed to mean? That Clarke would harass her friends if she were gay. But she isn’t. She thinks she would know this more than Costia claims.

“Costia-” Raven angrily gritts but Costia stops her.

“Look forget I said anything. Were just joking around okay. I’m tired let’s put on another movie and then go to bed.” Costia states trying to brush off the conversation so that they could avoid any more conflict.

All the girls agree and try to go back to a lighter conversation and settling comfortably on Clarke’s bed ready to watch the next romantic movie.

Clarke can feel her chest aching. She was really annoyed at what Costia said. And that it was all just a joke? She was really worked up. She remembers that time when she was thirteen she and Costia told a girl named Taylor to leave the friendship group because she was too annoying and weird. Clarke felt bad but also remembered that the girl did try to eat her hair.

That was probably the worst thing she had done at school.

She also remembers some of the girls at school being freaked out that Taylor was a lesbian, that they were her next target. Clarke doesn’t want to be like that girl. Clarke didn’t know much about lesbians and being gay but people around her always thought it was weird and something to stay clear off. And from what Clarke had seen of lesbians was that they were possessive and crazy. She also remembers hearing about a lesbian vampire’s movie. Boys loved that from what she heard. That’s definitely not her.

Clarke would know if she liked girl’s right? And she didn’t, not like that. She wasn’t weird, she was going to find a boyfriend one day maybe. Just not right now. To be honest she couldn’t imagine being with anyone right now, that freaked her out enough.

Clarke tried to settle down into her bed but she was suddenly wary of how close her friends were to her, how loud she was breathing, she became hyper-aware of her body and its movements. She clenched to the cup and painfully swallowed her drink. She didn’t watch the movie. She just sat in silence while her brain went through millions of scenarios and all her worries and fears. She clenched her jaw until it was aching. She didn’t feel safe with herself anymore. She felt crazy. She knows who she is. So why is she freaking out?

* * *

 

Clarke is seventeen. Her final year of school was probably the worst year of her life. Her mental health became worse. Friends become enemies. She was confused with who she was and where she wanted to be. Like most students in their final year. her only safe place was with her dog Penny.

She wanted to have a good year but it didn’t always work out her way. Her relationship with her family became fragile as her parents fought on the verge of divorce and were constantly trying to save money.

Chloe and Clarke would viciously argue with each other as they both unknown to each other struggled separately at school.

Her only remaining grandparent who hadn’t died or left was her Grandmother M who had decided to move closer and cause more stress on the family.

Clarke got the first job that she tried desperately to like.

Her grades wavered and her teachers weren’t any help, some even ignored her and brushed her aside for other students. She lost motivation.

She stopped playing sports but continued theatre only this time by herself. Theatre became more serious she tried desperately to get better at her acting abilities.

She started having fallouts with her friends. Boys would tease her or try and harass her for standing up for herself or others when they made fun of the women around them. It wasn’t the best. But Clarke tried to soldier on.

-

One day midyear Costia and Clarke had been talking to these two boys- Finn Collins and Nathan Miller. Costia insisted Clarke get to know Finn. Apparently, he was exactly her type. They had their licenses and cars (Clarke failed her provisional test and had to wait to retake it). So they happily drove the girls around. They took the girls out and sneaked them alcohol. Raven although at another school heard all about it and rather focus on her school work.

Finn seemed sweet, he was the typical rugged looking boy that was into cars and all things adrenaline inducing. That made Clarke intrigued but she wanted to know more. Who was behind that shaggy hair and blue-eyed boy? So she said yes to date him.

Their first date was a double date with Costia and Nathan. Both parties were awkwardly flirting with one another and trying to get close. They watched a scary movie at the cinemas. Clarke hated scary movies. So Finn made sure to hold her sweaty hand. But halfway through the film, he decided to have their first kiss full tongue and saliva. Clarke tried to follow his lead, moving her lips like she thought she was meant to. 

This was her first proper kiss embarrassingly enough. She got dared to peck a girl and then a boy in spin the bottle when she was fourteen. But that didn’t count. Finn was a real kiss.

His tongue felt weird against hers. Despite the movies sound, she could hear their lips smacking and Costia’s giggles beside them. She felt giddy and scared. It felt good to be kissed but the kiss wasn’t the way she imagined kissing would be. She could taste the chocolate ice-cream and popcorn in his mouth. That’s when she decided to softly push his chest back. He took the hint and smugly smiled at her before returning to watch the movie.

Her second date with Finn was alone on a beach at 8 pm on a winter’s night. It was freezing. Clarke shivered most of the time. She could see that Finn tried to make a cute gesture, but she needed to be away from the cold. She was also really hungry and these homemade sandwiches he made weren’t cutting it for Clarke.

They moved behind a wall away from the wind and wrapped up in their jumpers underneath a blanket. Finn asked her how school was, but whilst she was explaining to him he interrupted to talk about his life at school and about graduating. Then he told her how pretty she was. Clarke was new to all of this. She was really nervous. She wanted to kiss him and wasn’t sure if he would want to. She also wasn’t sure if this kiss would be any better than what it was last time.

Clarke started talking about her goals for after school. Soon enough though Finn apparently grew tired of this. He grabbed Clarke's face and kissed her. They kissed for a long time. It was like the last one but colder. She could also feel his stubble on his face, it tickled her. She didn’t like the feeling. He also used his tongue more, she felt his tongue dive deeper into her mouth. Her heart raced. She didn’t like that.

Once they both pulled apart needing air they both wiped their mouths. Clarke thought maybe she would eventually start to feel something when they kissed. But at least she could test the waters now.

-

A month into the relationship Finn and Clarke had only been on a few group dates since. And awkward ones at that. Dates that probably weren’t even considered dates. He still kissed her mainly when she was in the middle of talking. He didn’t like talking with Clarke. Clarke didn’t know what to think of that.

Meanwhile, Costia and Nathan were having ups and downs. One minute they were in love the next they were fighting about seeing each other too much. Clarke tried to stay out of it. But her best friend was in distress. She was just glad she wasn’t going through what they were. She couldn’t imagine loving Finn yet. It had only been a month.

One night away from it being a month of dating, Clarke joked with the four of them about it being their one month anniversary. Only because she knows people who go above and beyond for each other after they date for a week. She thought that was funny and lame.

Not two days later Finn disappears. He went from texting her almost every day to check in- not that Clarke minded. But was suddenly missing. Clarke freaked out for a minute but gave it time. After a week of not speaking. She messages Finn to see if everything was okay.

He replies in short messages. Soon enough he says he’s sorry but he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. That he doesn’t see a future with her and that he wants to not waste time.

Clarke was dumbfounded by this. She raked her brain to see what she did wrong. Maybe it was the joke? She wasn’t sure, she only knew she was upset and angry that she screwed up her first chance of a relationship. Raven slept over that night to be with her.

Clarke quickly got over it. But was upset by wasting her time. It was two months later Costia came to her house sobbing. She explained that she and Nathan broke up. And that he was talking to other girls. Clarke really hated this drama. And her friends wondered why she didn’t want a boyfriend. She comforted Costia. Unfortunately that was also the night she found out that Costia had been cutting herself.

Clarke did everything in her power to be there for her friend. She hated seeing others in distress.

* * *

 

One night the three friends thought I’d be a good idea to go to a house party with all their old theatre friends. They were the youngest of the group. Most of them were in their twenties. Clarke loved having older friends. Raven loved them because they gave them alcohol.

The girls decided to sleep over since they didn’t want to let their parents see them drunk. 

Clarke and Raven together slept on the floor. Costia and their friend Connor slept in the bed. Clarke thought nothing of it. That was until she heard noises from above her. Still a bit drunk it took her a while to decipher the noises.

It was lip-smacking noises and shuffling sheets. Then she heard a male groaning. Clarke knew then what was happening. She was confused Costia didn’t like this boy, she was friendly enough, but that’s what Costia did. It was flirting right? She knew Costia wouldn’t do something like this.

Clarke unwillingly opened her eyes. But what she saw she definitely did not expect. Connor was straddling Costia. Slightly hovering over her face. Clarke snapped her eyes shut and focused her breathing.

She was completely confused and felt like she shouldn’t be witnessing this. She could feel Raven fast asleep next to her. She wished she was asleep but she was wide awake now. Sudden drunken haze was gone.

Clarke then heard a zipper. She opened her eyes again. Connor was pulling his dick out. Clarke wanted to die at that moment. She never saw a dick up close. Then she noticed something more horrifying. Costia was fast asleep. She had no idea what was happening above her. Clarke wanted to scream. What was happening? Why was Connor doing this?

It happened too quickly for Clarke to react. He put his hand over Costia’s mouth. Costia started groaning. And then her eyes shot open in confusion. Connor put his other hand down Costia’s pants and that’s when Clarke’s body decided to move. But as soon as she sat up. Costia started screaming. Clarke started shouting at Connor. He jumped back in surprise and started fumblingly pulling up his pants.

After that, the events flew by pretty quickly. Costia started screaming and crying. Raven got up in a panic and seeing what was happening grabbed Costia. That’s when other people started coming in the room confused. Clarke stood in shock and then screamed at Connor. A lot of tears and screaming happened.

Connor after being in shock soon started denying what happened. He claimed he was drunk. He didn’t do anything. He was asleep. That Clarke was lying. Costia wanted it. It wasn’t him. Lie after lie.

Clarke couldn’t believe what was happening.

The police were called. Soon everyone was outside. Costia stayed with Raven in the bathroom trying to calm down. But Clarke stayed outside, ready to explain what happened. She felt guilty, confused and angry. She was freaking out and running on no sleep. Once Connor was questioned by others and he started denying it. Clarke saw red, she punched Connor across his face.

She was put back inside after that. Holding an icepack on her knuckles. She tried not to cry. But her eyes were swelling up. Clarke wanted to scream but she also wanted to run until she couldn’t run anymore.

After that, a lot of things started changing around her. Their last year of school was her hardest year to date.

* * *

 

Raven and Clarke became closer but Costia started distancing herself. She made different friends. Friends that smoked weed and went racing their cars. Clarke had her license but didn’t have a car yet. She couldn’t afford that.

Costia wore darker makeup, didn’t show up to school a lot. Ignored Clarke and Raven. Even when they tried to reach out and help. Clarke could understand that she was in pain. She really did but she could also tell Costia was venturing down a darker path.

They were close friends and although Clarke had other friends to hang out with at school she wanted to be there with her best friend. Costia started becoming more rude and spiteful, more sarcastic and rude. Clarke tried to ignore it but enough was enough.

After trying to reason with her she soon had to confront Costia, but Costia was red hot and continued to yell and push Clarke away. Clarke tried to cling on to their friendship and so did Raven. But it wasn’t looking good.

One night Clarke was dropping Costia off to her job. Costia’s parents were busy and Clarke always seemed to be designated driver. (she finally passed her test) Even though she was using her parent’s car. She played it out as though Costia needed her but Clarke could tell deep down her friend was using her.

These destructive behaviours had to stop. Clarke on her way to dropping Costia back home at 9 pm decided to bring it up. Costia denied it and called Clarke crazy.

“Clarke honestly you need to stop talking, I-” Clarke interrupts her wanting to get her point across.

“No Costia listen to me, I’ve known you for five years now and I can tell when you’re not okay and when you’re going through a bad time -” she tries calmly.

Costia interrupts angrily “Fuck you, Clarke. Maybe I’m sick and tired of hanging out with you. Have you ever thought of that? I need space.” She grunts.

Clarke’s eyes widen. She wasn’t expecting that. She doesn’t want this conversation to go this way. “Costia what- are you-”

“I’m saying you’re so fucking annoying Clarke, now leave me the fuck alone” Costia raises her voice and moves closer to her window on her side.

Clarke's grip tightens on the steering wheel. “Are you kidding me? You’re the one asking for lifts to work, to school, to the-” Clarke defends but Costia’s shout interrupts her.

“That’s because you want to” states Costia.

Clarke should laugh, she would rather do _anything_ else with her friend and she’d rather be in bed right now. She snaps at Costia. “I mean I don’t want to- I want to help my friend”

“Well I have new friends now” Costia snaps back.

Clarke almost laughs ironically. “Y-you call those potheads friends?” she asks in disbelief.

“Yes because they aren’t fucking sad and miserable like you” Costia fires at her.

Silence.

Clarke wants to cry and scream and run. She’s so done. Costia usually bites back. She knows this. Costia shifts the blame. Avoids and avoids. But she can’t talk to her like this. She just wants Costia to get out of her car. She grinds her teeth together, she starts digging her nails into the wheel. She then notices that they are arriving outside Costia’s house.

“We're here” Clarke lets out as softly as she can. She’s going to break any minute.

Costia sighs “Clarke,” she says softly, almost reassuringly. But Clarke can’t focus she wants Costia to leave her alone.

“Please leave…” she says what she thinks is in a stern tone.

Costia pauses and looks outside. Clarke’s eyes are trained on the road in front of her refusing to look at Costia. “No Clarke I can’t” she continues to speak softly. Clarke is confused by the sudden change but wants her out either way.

“Please just- go. I don’t want to talk to you” Clarke says firmly

Costia softly tuts.

“I’m really sorry Clarke I’m just- I’m just so confused and-”

“Please!” Clarke shouts. Costia is surprised by this. But Costia tries to bring the conversation back to calm.

“You don’t want that Clarke” Costia states calmly.

Clarke laughs out loud and raises her voice “You’ll find that I do- get out of the car”

“Well I don’t want to” Costia crosses her arms over her chest. So fucking stubborn.

Clarke is shaking now. “Fucking hell Costia, you told me you don’t want to be my friend and that I’m annoying, you’ve made your point now please leave,” she thinks it sounds angry but she can hear her voice break.

“Yes but-” Costia begins to grow more frustrated but tries to calm down. She doesn’t deny it. “Will you please look at me” Costia softly says reaching out to put her hand on Clarke's shoulder. Clarke flinches at this.

“Why” Clarke bites back.

“Just-”

Clarke grudgingly turns to face Costia. She looks scared. They both do. But they are also both filled with rage. “Fine. Now leave”. Clarkes spits.

“Fuck” Costia whispers. She looks over Clarke's pained expression.

Clarke is so irritated right now. She’s trying to do the right thing but she wants nothing more than to run away.

“For the love of god Costia get the fuck out-” she tries to tell Costia but she’s interrupted by Costia’s lips on her own.

Clarke freezes at the unwanted contact. One hand still on the wheel the other laying limply at her side. Both of Costia’s hands cup her cheeks. Clarke starts to feel warm, too warm. She’s freaking out.

The kiss doesn’t last more than five seconds she thinks. She can’t focus all she can hear is her own heartbeat. She’s not even sure if she kisses back.

When Costia slowly pulls away she feels a rush of dampness on her cheeks, not sure if it’s from Costia or her own tears. Costia is looking down between them. “I’m sorry” he voice breaks.

Sorry for what? The kiss? What she said? What she’s doing? What she has done? What she will do?

But before Clarke can answer her, Costia retreats and is gone.

Clarkes not sure whether she should scream or cry. All she knows is that she can still feel the buzz on her lips from where Costia’s lips where on hers.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cool beans.  
> so there was a bit of bullying, manipulation, and homophobia etc. These are in no way my thoughts but merely Clarke experiencing her world around her at this time and her age and learning and changing her views etc. Like for example being gay isn't weird. But for her coming to terms with herself that's just her process. make sense? any questions? post them! thanks :)


	4. Lexa is growing up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miss Lexa is growing up in Australia and learning new things about the people around her and herself. This is her through ages 14-20. It's kind of fast paced but throughout the story I will add some flash backs. We are getting closer to Clexa meeting and their stories together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I've got one chapter left for each Clarke and Lexa's past before we time jump to their eventually meeting! Let me know if it's confusing or anything. Thanks for the Kudos!

**CHAPTER 4- LEXA**

Lexa would call Luna her best friend. Lincoln was still her best friend but Luna was a different type of best friend. Something she hadn’t experienced before. Lexa saw it in the movies, girls giggling and having slumber parties and crying and bonding together. She never really got any of that growing up. With Lincoln it was different. They were close but she never had that movie type of friendship with him. If that ever existed. Lexa knew movies weren’t real and were basically fairy tales and a Hollywood way of looking at things. But still, she always wondered.

She thought she found this type of friendship with Luna though. Something wild and passionate and affectionate. Luna and Lexa had countless sleepovers. They were always together, whether it was eating, sleeping or cuddling, they were rarely separated. Lexa was cautious of this at first having never been this close with someone but she found comfort in Luna and felt safe. She felt like it was so easy to be herself around Luna.

Lexa loved a lot about Luna, the way she scrunched her nose when she laughed. And when Luna laughed it was amazing, Lexa loved how Luna would laugh with her whole body. She loved the way Luna’s eyes twinkled when talking about something she was passionate about. Or when Luna’s brown eyes squinted at Lexa when they were teasing each other.

She loved the way Luna got excited about the small things. She loved how Luna would lose focus and start drifting away in her head.

Lexa put what she was feeling for Luna into words one night when Luna was cuddling her whilst they watched a movie on Luna’s laptop. She was playing with the girl’s hair when the thought finally hit her. Did she love her best friend? Lexa grew tense and stopped playing with Luna’s hair.

Luna sensed something was wrong. She was good at picking up Lexa’s signals. Especially since they’d known each other for a bit over a year now at fifteen years old. Lexa thought that was both a blessing and a curse.

Luna soon stopped the movie and looked up at Lexa from her place on Lexa’s shoulder.

“You alright Lex?” Luna whispered. It was pretty late and Luna’s parents were most likely asleep.

Lexa just hummed and nodded.

“You’re so cute when you lie” Luna whispered sarcastically whilst rolling her eyes. She sat up so she could properly face Lexa.

“It’s nothing” Lexa mumbled. Trying to pull her eyes away from Luna.

Luna hummed and then switched off her laptop, closed it and placed it on her bedside table.

The only light coming in the darkened room was the street light from outside. So they were still slightly visible to each other.

Luna cupped Lexa’s cheek and tried to focus her attention. She succeeded. Luna had made a habit of holding Lexa like this. It’s as though there were no physical boundaries between them. But Lexa never minded. She knew Luna would never push her. But Lexa took comfort in how close they were. Luna also made it a habit to call Lexa cute, beautiful and adorable. This only made Lexa’s heart swoon more.

She had told Luna about being gay the first week into their new friendship but Luna just shrugged it off and continued hanging out with her. That’s all they really discussed about it.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Luna sighed while caressing her thumb on Lexa’s cheek. Lexa felt like she was melting.

“I can’t… I’m scared…” Lexa admitted, she really couldn’t lie to Luna.

“That’s okay, cause… I’m kinda scared too.” Luna breathed.

A pause

“Can you close your eyes, I wanna try something?” Luna whispered.

Lexa was confused but looking into Luna’s eyes she knew she could trust her. So she nodded and closed her eyes.

“You’re not going to slap me are you?” Lexa huffed out the joke. Luna giggled back.

“Don’t test me” Luna giggled. They both knew they were trying to ease the tension. The tension that had kept slowly building since they had their first sleepover.

Sleepovers for them were more intimate than playing around at school. At sleepovers, they would hold each other and tell each other’s deep secrets. They only grew more intimate as time continued. They would start holding hands, kissing each other’s cheeks, having baths together in their togs.

Lexa had never kissed anyone before. She knew Luna had once with a boy as a dare. But Luna said she hated it. Lexa had a feeling about Luna maybe liking girls but she never asked. Too afraid. She didn’t want to ruin things. So she was afraid if this was it. Their first kiss? Was she wrong for liking her best friend? Did Luna like her back or was this just what her version of friendship was?

She also really wanted Luna to kiss her.

Lexa’s dad still didn’t know about Lexa yet and she wasn’t sure what it all meant. So she pushed it aside.

“Lex”. Luna saying her name snapped her out of her thoughts.

She felt her heart speed up. She felt a hot breath coming closer to her face. She licked her lips out of nervousness.

After what felt like hours she felt something soft against her own lips. She soon realised it was Luna’s lips. It was obvious by now that they were both terrified. So Lexa thought she should be brave and take what she saw from the movies and that weird section she read in that magazine on how to kiss. She tried to move her lips against Luna’s. Luna was still but then became eager to continue.

This went on for a while. Trying to figure what kissing was. But eventually, they settled into a rhythm.

Luna broke apart for a much-needed breath.

“Are you scared anymore?” Luna smiled. Lexa smiled back. She loved her best friend.

She shook her head and if the lights were on, Luna would notice her cheeks would be rosy because she was blushing more than normal.

Luna rolled her eyes.

“A girl of few words, this is why I like you” Luna giggled still on the high from the kiss.

“I like you too” Lexa spoke. She then noticed Luna’s eyes sparkling. She wanted to kiss her again. So she moved in and bumped her head accidentally on Luna’s forehead.

“Good one” Luna laughed rubbing her head to soothe it.

“Shut up” Lexa captured Luna’s lips as soon as she could. Never wanting to stop. She didn’t realise how much fun this was. Why didn’t they do this sooner?

* * *

 

Luna and Lexa were girlfriends. It was perfect just like in the movies, Lexa thought.

Most people weren’t bothered by it and if they were they just didn’t look and avoided them. Some boys made snarky comments but Lexa didn’t care. She was in her own bubble.

Lexa wrote Luna poems once a week. Mostly about love but sometimes about random things as well. Lexa also started writing stories. It was as though this new development with Luna inspired her. Luna pushed Lexa to write as often as she could. Luna loved Lexa’s stories and told her that she was going to be a famous author one day. Which Lexa found hard to believe but she loved that her girlfriend cared enough.

They were good for each other. Lexa wanted to be with her forever. So did Luna. Luna talked about planning their wedding since she wanted to be an event’s organiser.

Lexa told Anya about Luna of course and she was supportive and happy for her younger sister. Soon enough Lexa’s mum found out. She had been listening in on a conversation between her daughters.

Lexa was annoyed by this since she and her mother never really spoke. But her mum started reaching out to her. Apologising for everything and telling her that she supported Lexa and loved her. Which Lexa found relief in, something she didn’t realise that she had been stressing about. Her mum even sent her links to famous gay books, which Lexa did appreciate. It showed that her mum did care that Lexa liked to write stories and hopefully wanted to make it into a job one day.

Sandra even went as far as to buying rainbow flags and putting them around Lexa’s old room. She most embarrassingly bought a t-shirt that said ‘I’m proud of my gay daughter’. Lexa found herself starting to want to connect to her mum more often after this. Luna said that she should start saving money to go visit her mum and Anya again.

So Lexa and her mum started to build a relationship again. She didn’t tell her dad, worried about what he might think. There was a lot she needed to tell him but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Plus he was a workaholic and didn’t have as much time as he used to.

She noticed how her dad’s friends here were more hands on. They were the typical Aussie blokes Lexa heard from Luna. They wore short footy shorts and singlets. They were always watching cricket and football and usually had a beer with them. They swore a lot too they made a lot of jokes that Lexa never really understood.

Lexa one night had no choice but to listen to the loud men’s conversations. Her dad was meeting up with old school friends he hadn’t seen in ages. Lexa could see why Gustus hadn’t really kept in touch with them.

It was well into the night and although it was the weekend Lexa still wanted to sleep. But couldn’t, as she was a light sleeper and the men sat just outside her bedroom. They were all drinking and some smoking, they were laughing cursing and shouting. Sometimes Lexa found this amusing but she didn’t appreciate it all when trying to get some rest. She just hoped her dad was at least enjoying himself. This was his first weekend off in months.

There five men including Gustus and all were rough looking. She didn’t know their names so she just assigned them letters. Guy A,B and C.

Guy A started speaking after what sounded like just finishing his drink. “It’s too bad you have a daughter Gus, would’ve been good to have someone my boys could have on their team” a couple of chuckles were heard.

“Mate my daughter could probably beat your boys in her sleep. She’s good for a girl” her dad retorted.

Lexa felt like it was a backhanded compliment. She continued to listen. She didn't really have a choice.

Guys A retorts “Yeah rightio.” A few more laughs

Guy B in a slightly more accented voice. “Who looks after all her girly shit? I don’t reckon I could do that, my wife handles all of that. Freaks me out”

Guy A “Yeah me too, glad I don't have any”.

A few murmurs she can’t decipher follow that. Lexa frowns, she really thinks her dad’s friends ask the weirdest questions.

Guy B starts again. “I’m telling you this country is going nuts, bloody abbos think they can come in and take our jobs? What’s next, bloody fags and carpet munchers getting married?”

A few laughs and groans follow that. Lexa thinks she understands what the guy is saying but she doesn’t like it.

Guy B continues. “I’m telling you that ‘ain't right. It’s unnatural. Proper relationships are between men and women.”

Guy C starts contributing but sounds drunker than the rest of the men. “Fucking ferals all over the place!”

Gustus makes a comment “Mate the country isn’t _that_ bad. Just ignore them, that’s what I do.” He starts laughing.

Guy B continues. “And I’m telling ya women these days are more uptight!” Guy B was starting to get more riled up.

Guy A adds “You don’t need ‘em.”

She hears Gustus laugh.

Guy B continues his speech. “I was driving one night and saw a young pretty chick and started calling to her and saying how fancy looking she was. Then I started whistling- ‘cause my missus loves when I do that. But she just gave me the finger and marched away like a pole was up her arse or something. She was wearing a short skirt and everything, practically asking for it. I'm just calling it as I see it? ”

Guy C slurred “Fucking dumb cow”.

Guy B jumped straight in. “Honestly! And you should’ve seen the arse on her!”

They all laugh

Gustus is next to speak “Yeah yeah alright, give it a rest will you?” he jokes and they start talking about their days in high school.

The more she listened to the conversations the worse it got.

Lexa is angry and confused. She hates her dad’s school friends. She always likes his theatre friends but not these ones. She didn’t realise how much a person could be homophobic, racist and sexist all in one go? Her dad even went along with it and associated himself with these people. Lexa felt sick. She couldn’t tell if she could really trust her dad with her secret.

* * *

 

After that night when she overheard her dad and his friends talking. Lexa went to discuss with Luna and then with Lincoln when he could reply to talk about what she heard. Luna was more outraged then Lincoln. Lincoln said maybe her dad was just messing around and didn’t really think all of that stuff. That still made Lexa uncomfortable.

Lexa decided then that she had to come out to her dad. Get it out of the way to see what he actually thought. Whether or not he was like his friends.

He was always busy and she was at school but she did have one quick opportunity after school one night to talk to him.

This was one of the few nights they got to have dinner together. They sat at their small table across from a TV screen so that they could see from the kitchen into the lounge room.

They were watching a game show and sat mostly silent watching it. Guessing the answers aloud every now and again.

“Hey, Dad” Lexa started speaking softly to get Gustus’ attention.

“Yeah Lex” he looked her way still eating his food.

Lexa cleared her throat and started playing with her food. “Can I talk to you about something?”

Gustus grinned “Sure”.

“It’s kind of serious” Lexa spoke up slightly. Building her courage.

“Mmhmm” her Dad hummed and nodded then placed a mouthful of food on to his spoon and began eating whilst staring at Lexa.

She let out a breath “This is hard for me to say but- I want to be honest with you. I’m seeing someone and the person is a girl- I’m seeing Luna- like I have a girlfriend” she bit her bottom lip looking into his eyes to try and see if she could read his mind.

His brows knitted together “What are you saying?”

She was getting nervous with each passing moment. “I’m saying- I’m gay- I like girls”. She cleared her throat again.

Gustus swallowed and placed his spoon down. Focusing on Lexa, “You like girls?”

Lexa nodded softly “Yeah”.

Gustus raised an eyebrow, “Are you sure about this?”

Lexa then knitted her eyebrows. This isn’t how she thought he would react. “What do you mean am I sure-”

Gustus interrupts her before she can finish. “I don’t know- you’ve never seemed _gay_ ” he scoffs the last word.

Never seemed gay? Lexa wanted to know what he meant by that. “What?” her tone was a bit more aggressive then she planned it to be.

Gustus looked like he was trying to find words to help him. “Well you know, boyish or butch like the lesbians you see on the street”.

Lexa could almost scoff. She knew what he meant in a stereotypical way but she had learned more about that. “Lesbians don’t _look_ a certain way”.

Gustus started eating his food again. He shrugged his shoulders. “Plus how do you know? Maybe she’s just a friend and you’re mixing friendship with feelings?” He finished in a condescending tone.

How does she know she’s gay? How does she know she likes Luna?  
She was starting to feel agitated and confused, she never had been questioned like this before. Especially not like this by her Dad.

“What? No dad- I know I like her, we’ve been dating for months now”

This made Gustus look up suddenly, he looked shocked and upset?

“You’re joking” his face hardened.

“No, I-” Lexa tried.

“So why are you telling me this now after months of _dating_ that _girl_ , that _girl_ that has come into my home?” he put emphasizes on that girl. He was now starting to get aggravated as well.

He shook his head, “Does your mother know about this gay thing?”

Lexa was stuck for words.

Gustus continued anyway. “Is this Luna girl telling you to be gay? Cause girls can be irrational like that or whatever”

“Also most girls don’t know what they want at this age, and usually that’s when the man comes in- it’s honestly all just wrong”, he seemed like he was lost in his own thoughts.

Lexa finally found her voice, “What the fuck dad?”

She knew she shouldn’t swear but she was hurt now. She also knew her dad would be upset by this. “Don’t you swear at me” he asserted. He stood up.

She stood up as well. “You-you're saying all these awful things! That lesbians look a certain way. That I don’t know how to distinguish romantic feelings from non-romantic feelings. That it’s a phase when it’s not! That being gay is wrong.” Lexa could feel her face burning up now. She was starting to yell at him. She had her hands scrunched into fists. Nails clawing into her skin.

“I never said that,” Gustus said defensively.

“No but you’re implying it!” her heart was pounding now. She could see him getting just as angry.

“Lexa.” He gritted between his teeth.

“No! I can’t believe this. I really thought- I should’ve realised you wouldn’t accept me, especially since you hang out with those horrible people!” She found herself somewhat laughing sarcastically.

“Lexa no you don’t understand and those people are my friends” Gustus tried again. But Lexa wasn’t having it.

“I understand.  
And I heard your conversation with those _friends_ and how they were making homophobic comments and sexist comments, fuck even racists comments too”

“That’s just guys being guys and that’s not the point the point is-” Gustus tried to lighten the mood with a breathy short laugh. Like it was just boys being boys.

Lexa knew he wanted to calm this down. They both knew how they got when they were angry. But Lexa just wanted to scream at this point.

“No, I don’t want to hear it! Unless you say you support me and love me no matter what.”

There was a short pause.

Gustus let out a frustrated sigh and run his hand through his hair. “Lexa I- I don’t have to support you on everything not things like this – I just-”

Lexa didn’t want to hear anymore. She knew what he was going to say. She understood. But she hated it. Hated that he couldn’t just support her and love her for who she is. Why did it matter if she liked girls? She should’ve seen this coming. She had mostly good responses from people she told. She would’ve had to get someone who didn’t agree.

And the fact that he stood up for his friends, basically saying they were just messing around. Making awful comments about people wasn’t and shouldn’t be a joke.

What made it worse was that Gustus did what most people homophobic people did; say it was a phase or that it wasn’t real. That she needed a man. She could see the subtext beneath what he said.

She didn’t want to be near him. He broke her heart. She never thought she’d be heartbroken by a man, she never thought it would be her dad.

“I’m leaving” Lexa pushed her chair away from her and went to go to her room to pack her bag.

“What?” Gustus was getting frustrated and angrier than she had seen him in a long time , he followed her.

“I’m going to Luna’s” Lexa tried to let out calmly but it came out broken instead.

“No I won’t allow you to” Gustus grumbled

“I don’t care” Lexa shouted. She slammed the bedroom door in his face and locked it. She started packing her bag. She called Luna shortly after to pick her up.

By the time she came out of her room Gustus was gone and had gone to his own room. She was grateful that she could leave without starting any other fights.

Luna’s parents let her stay the next couple of nights. They knew what had happened and felt sorry for her, they also knew Lexa wasn’t going to annoy them or Luna. After all, it was school nights and during the day she was at school so she didn’t bother them too much. But Lexa feeling bad helped out with dinner and breakfast.

Luna played with her hair as she fell asleep Lexa found comfort in it but still cried before falling asleep.

* * *

 

It was Lexa’s second night home after four days and she still hadn’t seen her dad, they kept missing or avoiding each other, Lexa liked it at first but she felt sick and just wanted her dad. He was always her best friend when she was younger. It was only them two here.

She had her dad’s family but she didn’t know how they would react to her being gay.

She missed her mum at that moment. Anya and Sandra spoke to Lexa and convinced her to go back home after a while. They both tried to help in any way they could. Lexa appreciated that.

Then it was day five of not seeing her dad she was beginning to get worried. Lexa knew they were both busy and their schedules didn’t always line up but by now she would’ve seen him at least twice, even for a little while.

She could only assume the worst, that he didn’t want her anymore. Maybe he was making plans for her to move out. Maybe he was going to run away. Her mind raced as she tried to patiently wait.

She was about to fall asleep when she heard a knock on her door. Followed by Gustus’ voice

“It’s me, can I come in?”

It startled Lexa at first but she regained herself and nodded, she soon realised he couldn’t see her.

“Yeah” she sleepily muttered.

The door slowly opened and revealed a disheveled Gustus. He turned on the light and made his way to sit at the end of her bed. He placed his hands on his lap and looked at his twiddling thumbs.

Lexa would normally find it amusing to see her dad look small as a man his size. But now she was scared about what it all meant.

“Lexa, last week- I wasn’t fair- we should of-” he huffed and rubbed his hands on his face.

“I spoke to some people about what happened- don’t worry- only family- and um” he started fumbling.

“Sorry I’m bad at this”

Lexa spoke up to ease the tension a bit. “It’s okay”.

He sighed and looked up to Lexa. “I didn’t know who to speak to about our fight. So I went to your mum. She was always good with stuff like this.”

This surprised Lexa, Gustus and Sandra were on speaking terms but as far as she knew they weren’t close.

“She told me you told her and Anya about... you know. Which I should’ve guessed... She said I needed to think about it all rationally and understand where you were coming from. That I should’ve reacted better... And I agree.”

Lexa continued to listen. She was grateful for her mum and Anya.

“Mind you Anya was apparently a part of this call and overheard what was being said and said I was a – _swear word_ ” they both smiled at this.

“I just- I freaked out. I’ve never had to deal with something like this and it’s all new to me. I just never saw it and didn’t realise that you were indeed serious.   
Anya told me about the first time you told her too. And how nervous you were. Frightened of rejection. I never- I don’t want you to feel that way. I’m going to try and understand it. Your mum is going to help me.”

Lexa could feel tears prickling in her eyes.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt. I’m going to do better to understand.” Gustus took a breath to calm his nerves.

“I’m also sorry you heard what those guys were saying. We were joking around but I get that that’s not good enough. I’ve always done it with them boys I never realised its effect. I’m sorry.  
I’m going to support you. I’m still learning”

“You don’t hate me?” Lexa shakily let out.

 Gustus tutted “Of course not, I love you. I’m sorry about all of it. I truly am. Okay?”

Lexa nodded. “Okay… but there’s still stuff we should talk about.” She wanted to make that clear. She was overwhelmed with everything he had just said. But she didn’t want to let it go just like that. They still needed to talk.

“Of course, whatever you need Lex.”

Lexa felt the tears roll down her cheeks and started sniffling.

He pulled her into a hug and she didn’t know how much she needed it. She missed him and for a while thought he hated her. She felt safe again. They had their issues but she knew he wasn’t going to leave her.

They held each other for a while.

Soon he left and Lexa went to sleep feeling a bit more at ease.

She wanted to tell her girlfriend the good news but could wait. She also wanted Gustus to like Luna. This was going to be a new chapter for her and she was ready.

* * *

 

Lexa was sixteen when she and Luna started to get more _intimate_. They had been in a relationship for a while now and both girls were pretty confident that they were in love. And as patient, as both girls were trying to be they eventually couldn’t handle the pent up sexual desire. Lexa was scared their first time and so was Luna. Not scared because she was unsafe or didn’t trust Luna. It was because she literally had no idea how to go about it. This was one of those things you could read and study but at the end of the day, you hand to just do it and find out practically.

They were both a bit awkward and fumbled around a bit. Luna reassured Lexa that’s how things would be at the start and that eventually, they would get the hang of it. Which at first seemed odd to say but she guessed she understood. After a while Lexa started to really enjoy it she developed a kind of rhythm and she could tell Luna was too. She couldn’t imagine being with a guy like other girls had said at school. She definitely didn’t get what all the girls in the movies would get giddy about after their first time with a guy. This girl stuff was way more intense and once you do ‘get the hang of it’ you really do start to enjoy yourself.

For a while, both girls were really in the stereotypical honeymoon stage. They were completely smitten. Lincoln and Anya would sometimes get angry at Lexa for forgetting the world existed outside of her relationship, and at the time Luna was really the only thing she could see.

Unfortunately that didn’t last too long in their final year of school. Both girls had gotten jobs, they were learning to drive, save up for cars, and bills. Soon the stress of what they were going to do once they graduated started to kick in. the girls along with most of the grade started getting agitated and ready to pass the year and leave and move on and start an adult life. Get ready for the real world.

Lexa’s teachers were constantly pushing their students to think about the future and what course they would study? What job they would up with? How they would get there? Too many questions Lexa could not answer.

Lexa had ideas but nothing set in stone. She was passing her subjects and was the in the top grade of most of her classes. There weren’t really too many problems. Just what she wanted to do and what would happen if she made the wrong choice?

Lexa was probably scared of that the most. Choosing the wrong career. With all this stress Lexa put her head down and worked, whereas Luna as much she tried to stay focused couldn’t or wouldn’t. Luna started to slip away in most areas. The thought of choosing a career scared Luna. She had no idea what she wanted to be, it didn’t help that her parents pressured her to pick something.

So naturally, both girls started to drift apart. Forgetting to communicate, forgetting to check up on each other and falling behind. Lexa could tell in some ways what was happening but still this was all new to her. Lately, when she tried to ask Luna’s advice and a fight would happen. Lexa hated fighting with her girlfriend so she left it. they had unresolved issues that would soon have to come out. that would either make or break them.

* * *

(GRADUATION)

Lexa sometimes regrets the day she decided to stop trying with Luna. Or when they both stopped trying in their relationship. She spent graduation looking at the back of her ex’s head a few rows ahead of her waiting to be called up on stage to get her high school certificate. She catches her self-wondering ‘what if’?

They had broken up four months before graduation in September, now in December. Their last month together was the hardest and Lexa mourned their relationship in that month. It had clearly come to an end but both girls continued to hold on even though it hurt them. She didn’t just lose a lover but she also lost a best friend.

They both mutually decided to keep a distance to learn to be without each other. Sometimes though it felt too easy just to run to the other girl and wrap her up in a hug and never let go. But Lexa knew it was for the best. They had grown apart. It had to be this way.

She was just grateful for Luna. She would never forget her best friend.

Lexa stood up when Luna’s name was called and cheered for her the whole time a big grin on her face. Luna smiled back and waved at Lexa, gave her a knowing look and sat back down. Luna did the same thing when Lexa was called up. That was the last time they saw each other.

-

During Lexa’s break before she went to university, she had saved up enough money to go back to America for Christmas holidays. She was beyond excited. Her dad stayed back so it was her first time traveling alone but she didn’t mind. Although she was stressed about the long flight. But was excited to experience winter instead of the hot Australian summer. Christmas didn't feel quite right in Australia with the sun making it impossible to enjoy a toasty fire with a warm blanket and hot chocolate.

Lexa had ultimately decided on studying creative writing and film and TV. She was happy with her decision and felt like she might be going in the right direction. She was still going to study in Australia and maybe come back to America but she wasn’t sure yet, she felt she still had unfinished business in her not so new home.

When she arrived back in America she was greeted with a beaming mum and Anya. She had seen pictures of them through the years but was still surprised to actually see them age. It was odd seeing them again. The house hadn’t really changed, it had some touch ups and had more of her mum’s and Anya’s touch to it but it still felt like home. And her childhood room mostly remained untouched. With new additions of a rainbow flags plastered in random areas of her room. She remembers when she come out to her mum and her mum kind of went extra on it all. It also seemed smaller than she remembered.  

The three women caught up and had a nice family meal. one of her mum's specialty holiday feasts with a touch of Anya's ideas to it. Lexa really did miss this. It felt nice to be with her mother and her sister again. They also did a good job of not bringing up Luna in conversation, knowing it might upset Lexa.

The next person she saw was Lincoln and that was the biggest surprise. She had seen pictures of him growing up but seeing him in person was something else. She really couldn’t believe this was her best friend. He was much taller and had strong broad shoulders, and she could tell he was fit. He was studying to be a personal trainer after all. But one thing had remained since she last saw him- his goofy grin that was for Lexa.

She spent most of the holiday catching up and spending time/going out for activities with her family- Lincoln included in that. This Christmas was her favourite yet. Definitely her top three. She learned new recipes with her mother. Played drinking games with Anya and got the best gifts from Lincoln. And so much more, she felt very spoilt and also felt liked she gained a lot of weight from all the meals. But Lincolns free boxing classes for a week evened it out.

Her least favourite day was leaving them again. It never got easier. But she knew she would come back again and for good- hopefully. She also begged them to visit her and Gustus.

-

Soon into the first term of university, she realised she made the right choice. It was hard at first and tested her but she knew this is what she wanted and that there were so many different jobs in film and television and creative writing. She had many choices. She loved that she had different paths she could take. Her dad also helped her and offered assistance when he could. He knew some directors or producers she could speak to for advice and that was amazing for Lexa. It was like a whole new world had been waiting for her to explore.

She continued to live with her dad and stayed working at the bar and sometimes tutored for extra money. She felt comfortable, well as comfortable as she could. She still had deadlines, exams to prepare for, tutorials, lectures, books to read, study and so much more- that it really did burn her out sometimes and her dad would have to force her to take a break. But she was committed and wanted this. She also felt grateful that she found something that she wanted to do when she knew some people like Luna had no idea. So she wanted to take the opportunity.

In the second semester of her first year at university, she came out to the rest of her Australian family. There were mixed responses of course. Some were over the moon and patted her on the back along with asking some weird questions.

Some asked inappropriate questions, which she really didn’t need to repeat.

Some said they knew and asked her to pass the sauce.

Some were baffled and brushed it off as a phase.

Some said it was sin and those two people her dad refused to speak to again- they were two of his weird cousins anyway, so no big loss there.

Her favourite thing about university was the short days and when she would finish and go to the park in the afternoon and scribble down ideas and thoughts. She would watch the people around her and the city move. She would watch tourist amazed by the sights, just like she was when she first arrived. It was usually calm when she came to sit down.

In her final year of university, a new addition had started popping up around the city park. This woman was mostly at the other end of the park doing something when Lexa saw her. This woman was also doing something new every week.

Sometimes she would teach yoga classes for that week. Or fitness training the next week. Sometimes she would have a dozen dogs on leashes and played around with them. Sometimes she’d be rollerblading. Sometimes she'd be playing chess with the elderly. The list seemed endless. But the women was the same every time.

Lexa grew intrigued by her. She was strange but exciting. She fascinated Lexa. She liked how the woman was never really consistent. She always seemed out of place and was doing something new. Lexa didn’t know if the woman noticed her but if she did she didn’t make it known.

One particularly sunny day Lexa took her place on her bench and started doing what she always did. But she noticed the women was no where to be seen. Lexa didn’t think she would care but she had grown used to this women always being in the park starting something as Lexa was arriving.

Twenty minutes in still no sign of her. Lexa knew she shouldn’t be thinking about it but she started to get worried.

Another ten minutes pass and Lexa see the lady coming to the park. This time alone. Which was odd but Lexa didn’t know her so maybe it was normal. It wasn’t her business.

The women stopped and looked around, looking for somebody or something. Then she found Lexa’s eyes and smiled widely. Lexa moved her eyes back to paper immediately. She felt like a stalker now. Even though she knew she wasn’t technically stalking but she still felt bad for whatever reason.

She tried to focus back on her work. Not a minute later a tall shadow cast over her and Lexa hesitantly looked up. Only to see the lady standing right in front of her.

The woman has long brown hair put into two braids with red tips and big hazel eyes. She can’t help but think this girl looks attractive. Lexa blinks and stares awkwardly at the woman smiling down at her, looking anxious to speak. Lexa thinks this woman might actually be around her age.

The woman lets out quickly “Um hi, how are you?”

“Hi, good thanks how are-” Lexa awkwardly tries to respond calmly but the women interrupt her.

“Look I don’t want to sound too forward or anything but I see you every time I’m here, like all alone. Then sometimes I notice you watching me, I think and I just thought” The younger girl rambles on.

Lexa starts to unwillingly blush. “Oh sorry, I mean, I don’t mean to-”

“It’s okay! I mean like I watch you too- but not in like a weird way- it’s just you’re hard not to notice” the younger woman awkwardly giggles, which Lexa can’t help but find cute.

“Same with you” Lexa laughs awkwardly along. Surprised by what was coming out from both of them.

“Ha! Yeah…Sorry, let me introduce myself. Okay so my name is Costia Russell” she gestures out her hand for a handshake and smiles widely at Lexa. Lexa doesn’t stop looking at the attractive woman in front of her.  

“Yeah hi, I’m Lexa Woods nice to meet you”. Lexa shakes the other girl’s hand.

“That’s a pretty name for a pretty girl” Costia smiles and let’s go of her hand. She then sits down next to Lexa on the bench, although she is still nervous she has grown a bit more confidence. Lexa still is in shock she thinks.

“So I’m off this week, maybe you noticed” they both laugh. Then Costia bites her bottom lip.

“Um, do you want to get coffee or something? If it’s too weird just forget I asked I just... couldn’t ever _not_ speak to you.” Costia asks with a hint of boldness.

Lexa thinks she sees the girl flutter her eyelashes and pout a bit. She not really sure. But she can feel herself getting hooked.

Lexa didn’t really know what this meant. No one had ever been this forward with her. Plus she hadn’t been with anyone since school.

Lexa smiled and shrugged.

“Yeah okay sure, why not?”

Costia raises her eyebrows and smiles broadly “Really? Awesome thanks! Let’s go!”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLOT TWIST AMIRIGHT?!
> 
> Costia is getting some!  
> Lol   
> Thanks for reading and staying with the story! Next chapter should be up within 1-2 weeks.


	5. Becoming an adult with Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see Clarke graduating school- going to university and eventually graduating from that. We see her friendships (Raven and Octavia) and how they evolve. We see Clarke learning more about her self. Experiencing things she never could have imagined.   
> how almost adult Clarke copes with new expectations and growing up while trying to main her mental health and well being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya! This chapter is catching up with Clarke's life as we get closer to 'present day' Clarke living in the USA. How she evolved etc. it's mainly a recalling of events to eventually get up to meeting LEXA!  
> Its been a busy couple of weeks for me but I still want to get through this story and write good things and get clexa to meet. Then 'present day' drama ensues.  
> Thanks for staying with the story!

**Chapter 5- Clarke**

_University, Raven, leaving, new experiences, Octavia, sexuality, friendships,_

Clarke tells Raven about the night with Costia. Raven is just as confused as her. She suggests reaching out to Costia but she’s not sure she’ll get a different response than what Clarke has been getting usually. 

And Raven is right, Costia still doesn’t react, Clarke doesn’t get an explanation.

Weeks fly by where Costia doesn’t speak to Raven or Clarke. It’s as though they didn’t know each other. What made it more complicated was the kiss. She had so many questions. Usually, Costia jokingly accused Clarke of wanting to be with girls but it seemed to be the other way around? Clarke wasn’t sure.

She doesn’t hate that Costia kissed her. She wouldn’t really care but considering what was happening around them she did. She wanted to support Costia, but Costia made it hard for her too.

It was almost time to graduate and Clarke was still in a bad place with all that had happened throughout the year.

Raven had brought up what Costia said and to stop overthinking it all and just accept that Costia didn’t want to be their friend. It was her loss. She needed to move on for her own sanity.

It took a while for Clarke to listen to Raven but she did. She wanted to feel better. So she let Costia go.

With time both Raven and Clarke realised how Costia had toxic traits that had only become worse as the year progressed. They knew they didn’t deserve that. The lying, manipulating, gossiping and using. Through this, their friendship strengthened.

Clarke hoped Raven would become a constant in her life. She was probably one of the smartest people she knew. She was also brave, loving, smart and talented. She admired Raven. Clarke thought Raven was the truest friend she’s ever had.

-

Clarke got accepted into her second preference and Raven into her first. Luckily for them, their universities were in the same city. Raven studied graphic design. Clarke studied a Bachelor of Acting and Performance.

Over the break, before going to university the two girls decided to explore the party scene before they had to succumb to the student life all over again.

They went to the beach and pool parties. House parties and family parties. Both having a bad experience had learned their limits and had made a rule to never sleepover and to look out for each other. Plus Raven's dad was a cop so they knew they had him and Clarke’s protective father to help them in case anything went wrong. But they didn’t let it stop them from having fun and getting the crazy out of their system.

Their first year of university was overcoming growing up challenges. With being out of school, learning to finally be out in the world and all that stuff that comes with learning to finally grow up. They enjoyed it. They learned many new things and craved more.

It seemed as though they were checking off their own bucket lists of what they thought it meant to be adults.

Turning eighteen and being able to legally drink was a milestone for each of them. Each of them for their birthdays partying hard until they couldn’t walk.

They both had cars and their licenses.

This was the year they also lost their virginities. Clarke to a boy she met on a dating app that ended up being a fuck buddy turned one-night stand. They were meant to continue but he never contacted her back.

And Raven with a class mate’s brother from her course, who she met at a house party.

Another sort of milestone was when they both came out to each other as bisexual. Oddly enough they went through it separately, both being afraid to come out to each other at first.

Clarke started thinking about it since Costia kissed her. But pushed it aside as nothing.

But with university it couldn’t stop coming back in her thoughts, a lot of her classmates were very open about being a part of the LGBTQ+ community. She started to realise it was a normal thing and perhaps she’d been going about it all wrong. She also remembered how when younger she would often force herself to have crushes on boys and how she thought of girls differently. Her mind was open to a new world.

One night at her first annual actor’s party for the course she realised quickly the other years above her were _close,_ she realised a lot of them liked to hook up with each other. Some of the older girls had asked Clarke if she wanted to kiss them, just for fun. Clarke couldn’t see the problem in a simple kiss. But after that, she was hooked and intrigued. She didn’t know how good a kiss could actually be. By then she had only kissed a few boys but never really felt anything from it. She had no idea it could actually feel good.

Especially with girls who slowed it down and were more sensual, even when drunk.

It was like a new discovery for Clarke after that. She didn’t know at first where it came from. She thought maybe it was always there but she just never thought about it. Or maybe she did notice it but never put a name to it or didn’t realise it for what it was.

Like the discovery that you always liked peaches or grapefruit only you never knew they existed until you were halfway through your life.

You remember the day when your friend offered you peaches and you remember feeling astonished not knowing they existed. You remember the first taste and the startling comprehension of the possibilities of life, in a world that included this incredible sweet reality.

You might like girls.

She started developing feelings for a friend in her course Niylah. She then knew she might not be straight. At first, she thought maybe it was nothing but then after her need and want to kiss or be close to the girl. She finally understood and ventured down that path. Niylah was outgoing, stylish, and eccentric. Niylah accepted her of course as she herself was bisexual. She helped Clarke explore her sexuality. Clarke became addicted. She decided to delve deep into it. Figuring out herself, what it all meant.

She, funnily enough, did research. She asked around to some of her gay friends in the course, their experiences, their preferences and their thoughts. She started looking back at her childhood to see if there were any signs.

There were.

Being infatuated with certain Hollywood actresses. Especially Hilary Duff when Clarke was ten. She blushed at the thought of what her ten-year-old self would think about certain scenes and how a young Clarke would squeeze her thighs together to ease a certain tension.

Her fondness of her friend Sam. How physically close they were. Not that she ever really wanted anything from Sam romantically but she could see the attraction and infatuation.

The way she started to look at girls as she grew, thinking about how nice their bodies were, or wanting to be close to them, she thought everyone thought the same thing. But she soon realised thinking about wanting to touch a girl and be around her constantly and other factors were signs of infatuation. She had plenty of those.

It took her a couple of months to come to the conclusion but Clarke was certain of it now. Clarke and Niylah started dating shortly after.

Raven went through a similar process. Raven’s mother thought her and Clarke were dating for months. That made Raven take a second look at things.

Raven also admitted to actually having a crush on Clarke when they first met and a couple of years after that. Raven didn’t realise at the time, thinking it’s just how girls are, but looking back she knows for sure.

* * *

 

Along with the rigorous training and work Clarke went through during her years at university she made a friend in her class; Octavia.

They weren’t immediate friends but as the course grew tougher friendships in the group formed stronger. Octavia was unlike some of the people she’s usually friends with.

She’s really sweet and caring but she’s also a rebel and the classic tomboy. She was also very mature for her age, being the same age as Clarke. She was a determined and driven person. But wasn’t arrogant about it.

Octavia was also straight, not that it mattered but still supported Clarke and was the ally she never thought she needed. Raven and Octavia got along as well. They clicked straight away and flirted mindlessly both knowing nothing would ever happen between the two but they were cheeky flirts at heart and loved to play with each other all the while empowering each other.

Clarke learned how to love herself even more through Octavia and watched as Raven did too. She felt lucky to have two powerful and encouraging best friends by her side. She thought she finally learned what positive friendships looked like.

-

Being in a relationship with Niylah, Clarke felt like she was a completely new, truer and better version of herself. Niylah seemed to bring Clarke's outgoing side out to play and it was fun. Niylah had much more experience with relationships and sex than Clarke had, and that didn’t really bother her.

Well, maybe she felt a little less than because she had no experience and no idea what good sex was. When she spoke to Niylah about it, she would widen her eyes and sometimes laugh. Niylah thought Clarke to have little experience and made jokes about her lack of outer world experience. Clarke held that close to her heart, she didn’t realise she was missing out on so much.

Clarke discovered that Niylah was also very secretive and didn’t open up as much as Clarke did. Niylah just said she was just less emotional as Clarke and preferred privacy and alone time. Even if that meant they didn’t talk as often or show affection.

Clarke definitely understood the quality of alone time. She often tried to get it to recharge from emotionally draining days at university.

Clarke was still falling for Niylah despite the downs she focused on the ups and really thought they were meant to be.

They didn’t make out as often as Clarke wanted. Which Clarke found weird since she knew Niylah had a lot of experience. But one night Clarke thought they were a few months into their relationship and close enough that they should take further steps. Or at least try to.

They had just gone to the second annual actor’s party and were pretty tipsy. Clarke had found that Niylah got a bit aggressive when drunk but tonight she was very affectionate towards Clarke. Clarke felt herself growing hotter with each moment.

Soon they were at Niylah’s apartment and making out, more than they usually did. Both girls could tell things were getting pretty heated. Soon enough Niylah asked Clarke if she wanted to have sex.

It started off slowly, as Clarke was unsure of how to please Niylah but while listening to Niylah’s responses she got a pretty good idea of what did and didn’t work. Niylah started to go down on Clarke first and make Clarke cum first as an almost let me show you how it’s done. Then Clarke continued and took what she learned and practiced. She was nervous and warm but she wanted to please her girlfriend and have a good night. She wanted to show Niylah how much she meant to her.

Although Niylah made some condescending jabs, in the beginning, both girls were spent by the end of it and Clarke couldn’t sleep because of how happy and excited she was. She really enjoyed girl sex over guy sex that was for sure. Even though this was only her second time.

* * *

 

Clarke should be used to losing people close to her, she thought. Raven had been her friend still but also had a boyfriend that kept her busy. Octavia was close to Clarke but they still hadn’t reached quite that place where they were completely vulnerable with each other.

Clarke had been through many ups and downs in friendships. She had never been let down like this before. After Clarke and Niylah had sex things were good so Clarke thought. But then Niylah grew moodier and preferred to stop the make outs to a certain point. Clarke didn’t want to push her girlfriend she wanted what was best for Niylah. She always put Niylah first.

Niylah and Clarke started having more fights and more times when they would go weeks without talking. Niylah would say Clarke was too needy and too immature. Clarke felt like she was stepping on eggshells and tried to make things better. She told Niylah how great she was, beautiful and how powerful she was. She helped Niylah clean her apartment. She drove Niylah around as she didn’t have a car. She bought her nice little gifts if she was upset or if the gift reminded her of her girlfriend. She would give Niylah massages after long days. Clarke tried her best to hold on to their relationship. Niylah did not. She kept pushing Clarke away and Clarke didn’t know why.

She felt like it was her fault.

Niylah broke up with her at a sleepover and held Clarke as she cried herself to sleep.

A week later Clarke found out that Niylah was dating a guy ten years older than her and had just slept with him. He had three kids.

Clarke was furious and felt betrayed. Clarke found comfort in Octavia through this time. Octavia would organize study dates so they could catch up and spend quality time together.

Niylah told Clarke that she didn’t really like the guy and would come back to Clarke soon.

Clarke had hope. Octavia told her it was time to move on. Raven said it was stupid to continue to keep spending time with Niylah and that Clarke needed to get her out of her life. That’s when Clarke and raven had their first big fight.

Clarke really did believe that Niylah was good for her. Raven had to be wrong.

Weeks past and Niylah had lead her on. Clarke grew resentful, she wanted her back and Niylah kept stringing her along. Clarke wanted to be her friend but was still in love or so she thought. She didn’t trust her feelings anymore.

Niylah a few months after their breakup had come to Clarke to tell her that she dumped him, so they could be friends again.

This is around the time Raven and Clarke stopped talking. Octavia was in the middle.

A week later Niylah called Clarke to explain that Niylah’s ex killed himself. Niylah was of course gutted. Clarke was hurt for her but was shocked and confused, she had no idea what to do with this information.

She had never really known people who were suicidal. She had her moments when she was severely depressed but this was something that shook Clarke.

Octavia tried to help her every step of the way. But also didn’t want to be in the middle of the fight her and raven were in.

-

In her third and final year of university, Clarke had eventually drifted apart from Niylah and grew closer with Octavia. Soon Raven started showing up more as well once her boyfriend dumped her after cheating on her. Clarke apologised and so did Raven, hours of crying and talking everything through later they were friends again.

Clarke honestly felt overwhelmed with all of the drama she had gone through including the course drama. She didn’t expect things to get this crazy. People leaving the course. Not showing up for performances. Relationships in the course. Lack of work. Then with cuts in government funding towards the arts and the course losing hours.

But she saw that she had improved as an actor and learned really what she loved about performing. There were some definite setbacks and challenges like showing vulnerability and learning that it was okay. Learning to properly use and showcase her voice body and mind. The subtexts behind the playwright’s words. And how to be confident and perform with pride.

She struggled through line learning, reading books, plays and assigned reading, journal work, exams, PowerPoints, assignments, showcases, training, bodywork, voice training and learning Shakespeare and French. But she was almost at the end and that excited her, which also made her nervous because she would truly be in the real world after graduating.

She wanted so much for her future and was excited to get started. She still had part-time work while at university, still working at her local supermarket. She would go from university to work to home to university and repeat. But she needed the money to survive.

Her job had its setbacks, the customer abuse/ lack of decency, her team members being passive-aggressive, the long hours in a job she really could care less about. But she pushed through. She had a strong work ethic and wanted to help her future self. She pushed through the exhaustion.

 

* * *

 

Clarke’s brother and sister were out of school. Chloe was studying at a tertiary degree level in beauty. And her brother Michael had a full-time job as a waiter and played football on the side. Her youngest brother Aden was in grade ten and just starting senior school.

Her mother Abby still had worked at the hospital and her dad worked for family services.

Over the years all of Abby’s children experienced some sort of growing pain. Being in car accidents, getting high, losing jobs, having no idea what they wanted to do with their lives. But Abby and Jake continued to push each child to grow and remain persistent.

Grandmother M remained to be the only living grandparent and had moved closer to spend more time with the family. Which was unfortunate timing as all her grandchildren were growing up and didn’t really want to spend much time doing family bonding, as they were trying to find themselves.

As a family, Abby and Jake took the kids to visit Europe and England to visit family and tour some of the magnificent sights of each country. Everyone soon loved traveling. Although they argued a lot during the trip and Clarke was sure her parents were going to kill each other. She even found herself willing to up and leave her family and create a new life. But they all got through it.

After graduating Clarke moved in with Octavia once they both have the right amount of money. Clarke felt like a proper grown-up handling rent and all those agonizing bills, although it wasn’t the funniest part of it all. The freedom she really enjoyed.

She also had Octavia’s brother Bellamy as a roommate. She had met him a few times and they had got along fairly well.

It was a shock paying rent and working and all she had to do to make sure the bills got paid on time but it helped to have two other people to split with. Bellamy was also a couple of years older so he had a bit more experience with it all.

Although Clarke was poor a lot of the time she still managed to audition and try to move forward in her career as an actor.  Octavia as well, Octavia focused more on theatre whereas Clarke focused more on film.

Her first year out of university Clarke also had few one night stands that she hadn’t really planned to be anything. They sort of just happened when she was drunk or with her classmates at university at parties.

Clarke never really thought it was as good as it was with Niylah but she didn’t think Niylah really enjoyed their one time together. Clarke wasn’t even sure what sex with Niylah actually meant.

-

All her sexual encounters were usually the same. The guys would dive straight in without foreplay or much communication. It was as though they just want to fuck a warm body. Clarke didn’t mind being that for them. Most of the one night stands were men and never really bothered about Clarke’s needs or wants. Once they were done so was the sex apparently. It ended pretty quickly and if Clarke was uncomfortable she tried not to make it known. They never really spoke through it and were usually rough and sloppy.

Or if Clarke was enjoying herself they would stop as if they didn’t understand the queue that Clarke was enjoying herself. Or they didn’t like what they were doing (even if she did) and changed it to what they liked. They often tried to have sex without protection, claiming it didn’t fit or was uncomfortable. Clarke didn’t need to have that scare she tried to stay clear of those guys.

Clarke found herself just wanting the random connection, a warm body to feel something again. To feel like she was wanted or attractive enough to be with.  

She still struggled with depression and anxiety, it was a constant in her life and she tried her best to maintain it. Sex gave her that high feeling when some of the time she found herself feeling numb and unlovable. From the People around her, she had somehow perceived sex as a skill and had to get experience.

On her bad days, she felt scared and tired at the same time. Had a fear of failure but then had no urge to be productive. She wanted to be closer with her friends and make new connections but didn’t want to socialize.

Through the years and reaching her early twenties she tried to learn new things and create better habits and think better thoughts. Clarke tried to stand up for herself a bit more. she learned she didn’t have to laugh at peoples jokes if they weren’t funny. She learned to not accept it when people spoke to her as though she was dumb. She didn’t always listen when people told her what to do or how to live her life.  She was learning that she didn’t have to owe anyone anything.  She was learning to say no.  Learning to move on from bad vibes and bad people. Tried to learn to take responsibility for her actions. Tried not to get manipulated or gas-lit or taken advantage of.

Tried to learn that other girls are not her competition and to stand with them and not against them. She tried not to dilute, edit or censor herself for others in order to be worthy of their time and affection.  Tried to learn to give herself space and recharge.

Growing up is hard. Clarke saw it in her own life, her friend’s life, her family’s life. She tried and tied. She just hoped that there was light at the end of the tunnel.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short!  
> Let me know what you think? Bad or good?!  
> Next chapter will be a Lexa chapter(ch 6), then a Clarke chapter(ch 7) AND THEN THEY MEET (ch 8)  
> well that's what I've planned anyway... who knows!  
> Thanks again! be sure to comment and thank you for the Kudos!xx


	6. moving into adulthood- Lexa and Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke moves and pushes through her struggles and finds herself in a better place and looking forward to her future.   
> Lexa becomes restless and pushes herself, making what she thinks is the right decision for her and her future. Both girls are future and career orientated as they try and find their way into making something out of themselves. It's time to start working and make something of themselves. The more the story continues the more their social circle get smaller and smaller until they are bound to meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Instead of making you guys wait another two chapters for things to move towards them meeting I put it all in one chapter. It also made more sense for me. Sorry for taking so long to update. Thanks for being patient. But I will finish this story! AND its only just beginning!

** Chapter 6- Clarke and Lexa **

_ Depression, downfalls, breakups, moving , new jobs, new beginnings and experiences, blind dates _

_Clarke:_

They never tell you how hard depression can be or how it slowly creeps in or comes all at once. With Clarke, it was a build-up. Probably from the emotions, thoughts, and feelings that she tried to ignore or keep bottled up. So naturally things started to spill and get harder to cope with.

She found herself resenting a lot more people. Some of the time for no good reason. Maybe they annoyed her in the past and she never really dealt with it but now it’s brewing. Clarke will lash out, get snappy and start fights for no good reason. Like with her father, she’ll find it annoying when he starts being silly with her, starts messing around with her, she’ll get moody or unresponsive. She prefers to avoid her family all together.

She will cry and cry until she has to stop herself because she knows she will get a headache soon enough.

From this, it then goes to avoiding or isolation. Avoiding situations that seem emotionally overwhelming. Avoiding people because they are too much energy for her or she’s afraid she will be too much for them. She has her thoughts filled with fears on how when she’s emotional people get scared, weirded out, and annoyed by. So she avoids them to protect herself from what she thinks will be inevitable rejection.

Then with isolation, she gets too scared to try and be social. To try and be happy. To try and have functioning relationships. Terrified of rejection. Of her not being good enough. She hates that she can’t be good enough. It means to Clarke that she’s unlovable. She also finds herself becoming somewhat of an emotional sponge. Carrying the weight of other emotions with her.

Her own self harming behaviors become more frequent. She looks at herself then degrades and shames herself for being ugly or overweight. She jokes with her social groups about how undeserving of love she might be or how bad she is at work among other things. She deflects with self-deprecating humor. She stops eating proper meals to try and lose weight. She eats junk food not caring about her body. She stops looking after her body, might forget to shower, to wash her hair, to take her medication, and to stop drinking water.

She can lose her sense of self and belonging. She questions who she is and whether she has just been trying to be what she thinks others want her to be. She isn’t sure which thoughts are real and which ones come from places that need healing. She can make herself small, feeling undeserving to take up too much space. Constantly feeling like she’s being judged.

Then there’s a lack of motivation. She struggles to perform daily functions. It feels too much. Her throat closes up just at the thought of taking care of herself or socialising.

It’s a vicious cycle. There are some days better than others but the bad days creep up on her and it consumes her, she can feel like she’s drowning and doesn’t know how to save herself.

She has been to therapy, she’s been on many types of medications. But then she relapses and she feels like giving up all over again.

Now that she is an adult and doesn’t study anymore and is essentially getting herself ready to have a life and a future. To grow up. She feels as though she has failed herself.

It’s not like anything too damaging or awful has happened to Clarke. Life has been pretty normal. She was living out of home. She had her friends. Her family. She had a decent life.

Sure there might be the occasional bad date, toxic friendship, car accidents, finical struggles, a family member dying. But most people had that in their lives. She didn’t think she was worthy of being depressed.

She started to feel down after a lot of rejection in auditions. Then theatre shows not working out, therefore, having to be canceled. Filming a short scene for it to only turn out bad. She tried to keep pushing. She knows how hard this industry is. She has never been one to have things handed to her anyway. She has always had to work hard. For attention, for good grades, to understand something or be understood. Her parents say that’s why she has such a great work ethic.

But things that Clarke pushed down over time were bubbling up and she gradually got worse. She started to audition less. Started to work less. Became financially stressed. Stopped eating healthy. It all eventually snowballed.

She started to really care about all the negatives. Work was no longer tolerable. When customers annoyed her, harassed her, made sexists comments when the older staff members began to hit on her, particularly men with wives that made inappropriate comments about her looks. She started to dread going to work. She became more passive and not easy to talk to.

For six months she went to live back home. Her parents had asked her to move back in because they could see how bad Clarke was getting. Octavia and Bellamy agreed that she needed her families support. Especially after Clarke continued to have panic attacks every time her parents met up with her. Abby and Jake wanted to help her save up and give her somewhere to live for free. She was also closer to work this way, less money spent on travel. Along with the fact that the family dog missed her and was unwell too, plus the dog and Clarke were closest.

Whilst Clarke lived back at her family home. Bellamy and Octavia found another person to stay until Clarke was ready and if she was ready. The new roommate was pretty flexible. So they assured Clarke she was welcome to come back.

Abby and Clarke grew closer in this time. When Clarke couldn’t drag herself out of bed, Abby would help her and make meals for her, hold her when she cried, set up the lounge room for Clarke to watch TV in. She brushed her hair for her. She reminded her to drink water and have baths. She went to the doctors with her to help her start a new medication. It also helped that Clarke was back with her dog again. She had him for almost eleven years and he really was her best friend. He was also very comforting when Clarke had sleepless nights and cried. Although he was unique and funny dog that gradually with old age started to smell, Clarke loved him with all her heart.

A couple of months living back home and then a couple of weeks after her birthday her dog passed away. It was sudden and the family was in shock and stayed with the dog until he was put to sleep. She could see the signs and he had been to the vet and been given medication but this one day his body began shutting down and the doctors said they could ease the pain but it was his time. Clarke only got worse after that.

She cried and cried and didn’t care about the headaches she had and the constant sick feeling she carried around with her. She felt grief, anger, guilt and defeat all at once.

* * *

_Lexa:_

Something Lexa didn’t realise about herself is that she falls in love pretty hard and pretty fast. Costia was really quite the opposite of Lexa but Lexa loved it. Costia initiated most things including their relationship. Lexa didn’t seem to mind though. She envied and craved Costia’s confidence.

Lexa would happily watch as Costia spoke about feminist topics and all the politics that were happening around the world. Costia was opinionated most people would say, but Lexa thought it was brave how committed Costia got to a cause. Lexa didn’t think she met many girls like Costia who were as passionate as she was.

It’s not like Lexa didn’t care about politics and feminism, she did but she never really protested about it. She never really voiced many of her opinions. Whereas Costia did, therefore encouraging Lexa to.

Lexa also found that Costia had a lot of experience in her earlier life. Once the girls grew closer Costia revealed her life at school and how she had internalised homophobia. How she went to drugs and drinking. How men had hurt her. Then once moving away to another state she had realised what was really wrong and got therapy. Lexa thought that was very brave of her.

The girls began to share a lot and they supported each other and praised each other for being brave.

Lexa was head over heels and had embarrassingly enough thought about a future with Costia and marriage and a family with Costia. Not that she would ever let the other girl know.

But Lexa was smitten and wanted to be around her all the time.

Time flew by fast with Costia as well. While Costia studied, Lexa also tried to maintain a career in writing or working on film and TV sets. Then after a year together Lexa had graduated. Lexa at that moment of graduating realised how lucky she would’ve been to have stayed in America, with the lack of opportunity in Australia. Especially in stuff that she was interested in. Her first year out of studying was tiering.

Most of the time she spent her time in her small apartment writing ideas and stories. Then working random jobs on the side that she changed almost every six months. Lucky for Lexa if she was desperate she would go with her dad and help him out with sets and hang out with likeminded people there.

But the more time flew by the more restless she felt with her living situation. She really desired to go back home to America. For work and for family. She knew she had family here in Australia but she wasn’t seeing them as often. She also had her dad and Costia here. Costia her long-time girlfriend who moved in with her and still was a second-year full-time student.

One night strolling along the beach holding hands and stealing kisses, Lexa decided to tell Costia about the problem. Not that it was a problem. But Lexa knew her feeling restless with her living situation would build into something soon enough.

Lexa didn’t expect Costia to get harsh. Maybe it wasn’t harsh, but for Lexa, it seemed harsh.

“You don’t like your current living situation because you’re not doing anything with your career? Because I’m a burden? Lex look… I’m sure it’ll pass, you’re just not looking hard enough.”

It was said almost light-heartedly but with an undertone of anger. By this stage in their relationship Lexa could tell when Costia was feeling off.

Lexa never thought Costia was a burden. Lexa also thought she was trying hard to maintain a steady career. She thought Costia understood how hard it could be.

Lexa decided to drop it. That ended up being a mistake because after that night things started to fizzle between the girls. Costia didn’t come home most nights. She wouldn’t talk to Lexa as often, then when Lexa would bring it up Costia said she was overreacting. Costia started drinking a lot more as well. And when Lexa tried to explain the damage it was doing to Costia, they fought. Overtime Costia became more distant and snappier towards Lexa. When Lexa tried to fix it or talk to her it didn’t go down well.

Lexa felt like she was walking on eggshells and Costia felt like Lexa was suffocating her.

Lexa was confused and angry and tried not to blame herself. But she loved Costia and would do anything for her girlfriend. So when Costia had long day’s Lexa would make her dinner or buy the groceries or clean the house. If Costia was upset she would buy her bath bombs because she knew Costia enjoyed her baths. She would rent some movies and light candles around the house. She tried to make Costia fell safe and welcomed. But Costia just ignored it. Or on rare occasions would appreciate Lexa and have a great time with Lexa only for the next day to go back to ignoring Lexa.

Lexa knew people needed space and she didn’t think she was needy, but it felt off and dragged Lexa down. She started to question if it was her fault after all.

By the end of their relationship, Costia was emotionally unavailable and toxic. And Lexa was more anxious and resentful.

Costia had come home drunk one night after not speaking to Lexa for two weeks and noticing Lexa reading a book she crawled into bed with Lexa and started making out with her. Tossing Lexa’s reading glasses on the floor next to their bed.

Lexa hadn’t kissed Costia in weeks and hadn’t had sex with Costia in months. She knew this was wrong and they needed to talk but Costia was persistent and Lexa gave in, wanting to feel Costia again. Even if it was for the last time. Lexa assumed it was the last time. She just needed a connection again. With the way, Costia moaned her name she couldn’t help but continue.

The next morning Costia wasn’t in bed. When Lexa went to the kitchen she was surprised to see that Costia had made them both breakfast. But Lexa knew this wasn’t just any breakfast. It started with: “we need to talk” and ended with “I’m sorry, goodbye Lex.”

Costia had asked her to move out. Lexa agreed and decided it was time for her to move closer to her family. She had to talk with her dad first but she wanted to move back to America.

At the beginning of 2018, Lexa Woods was planning her trip to live back in America again. She had some money saved up. A place to go home to. All she needed was job there. Her mum was more than happy to help out until then. So in April she was hugging her Australian family goodbye and ready to go back to America after almost nine years.

* * *

_Clarke:_

At the beginning of 2019 Clarke had become reasonably better. She had started to socialise a bit more and was coming out her shell. It was couple days after Australia Day that Octavia had asked Raven and Clarke to come to an important brunch. Unlike Clarke, Octavia continued fiercely on the stage, with ups and downs but had found many opportunities. Clarke wasn’t jealous. She was extremely happy for her friend. Clarke knew at the end of the day she had to look after her own mental health first.

So it didn’t come to much of a surprise when Octavia announced she was asked to be a contracted performer in LA. Octavia was beaming and practically bouncing on her seat as she told her friends.

The more she explained the contract the more Clarke and Raven raised their eyebrows. The contract was for at least two years. She had her own living space and got paid a decent amount of money.

What had Clarke almost fall off her seat was when Octavia asked both the girls to join her?

Raven laughed “You can’t be serious O? We can’t just be your groupies and tag along that’s just not possible!”

But Octavia continued to explain that it was. They could stay with Octavia. Rent-free. They would only have to pay for other expenses like groceries and bills alongside travel to the country.

Raven continued to drabble on how it was ridiculous. And Octavia countered back. Of course, they would have to organise visas, phone sims, debit cards, health insurance, and other things. Which Octavia agreed with but she stated that this was each girl’s opportunity to further their careers to travel and try new things. She said she had thought intensely about how it would all work. They, of course, had until the middle of the year to be ready, because that’s when the contract would be available to her, but it all still was crazy to think about.

Maybe this was Clarke's chance to try something new, to not be stuck. Maybe she would have more opportunities over there. It all seemed strange but with the more that Octavia rambled on the more Clarke wanted to try.  

With much convincing to Abby, Clarke finally got her parents to help her get set up. It was a struggle but it was happening. Clarke along with making sure she had the right documentation had to also try and secure a job over there so that she wouldn’t die.

She knew she couldn’t just apply for auditions she had to get an agent so that was her first step. Then her next step was to create a showreel for casting and agents. So Clarke found herself working hard every day so that when it came time she was set to move her life to America. She worked at her dreadful job to earn as much money as she could. She just told herself that she would be able to quit soon enough. She also took on side jobs like carpooling, babysitting and teaching at community theatre companies.

Lucky for Clarke she had some people interested in her for work in California, not really for acting but for dog sitting or bartending. Which she could deal with. She also had to account for transport.

She also had a family friend around LA if things really got bad. She also found herself talking to her Grandmother M’s husband, Greg, as he was from America. Although he wasn’t the easiest person to get along with he gave her good tips.

Raven soon found work that was interested in her skills. So really each girl was almost set up.

Soon it was the week of leaving and their families held a going away party for them. That’s probably when it really hit Clarke. As well as Bellamy, realising he had to say goodbye to his sister and find a new roommate. Clarke stayed with her parents to save money for the trip.

They were as organised as they could’ve been it was just up to them now.

Clarke had done some plane trips, mainly to Europe and the UK, but this one felt like it lasted forever. She already missed her family.

* * *

_Lexa:_

Lexa had been back in America for a year and a bit now and it was really a great decision. It took some time to adjust to but things were going well.

She eventually moved in with Anya to be closer to work. Feeling kind of bad for leaving her mum alone.

But her work was her favourite thing. She was co-writer on a popular TV series. And was getting regular offers to help out with independent films to high grossing films. It took a bit to get used to but she met some people that really helped her through it.

She ran with Lincoln most mornings then would get brunch with him and catch up on years without each other.

Then would go to work most of the day.

On weekends she would catch up with her mum and facetime her dad. Then to finish the weekend watch reality TV with Anya and laugh at how engrossed Anya was with it.

Things were really going good. She missed her dad but he made sure to stay in contact. And promised that he would try and visit the family again. Which made both Lexa and Anya buzzed. It may not be the perfect family but it had turned out alright.

Lexa really couldn’t see any fault in her life. But Anya was picky and decided to pick on Lexa for being single. It wasn’t meant to be rude at all. But Anya persisted that her sister goes and mingle and go out to the gay nightlife. Insisting it was her favourite thing to do in her early twenties. Now that Lexa was twenty-four she had to get on top of it apparently.

Lexa didn’t mind that she was single. She really enjoyed it actually. Sure she missed those affectionate times but she would rather be career-focused.

So Lexa would hassle Anya in return saying that Anya was twenty-eight and was almost in her thirties meaning she wasn’t getting any younger. Anya scowled at that and that usually kept her quiet for a little bit.

But apparently, Anya held on to that comment and used it against Lexa. One Sunday night Anya announced that she had set Lexa up for a blind dating event at a gay bar.

Lexa obviously hated this idea but Anya told her she paid good money for it and guilt-tripped Lexa to not let her sisters money go to waste.

Lexa loved Anya and didn’t mind that much but she really didn’t want to do a blind dating event. She also thought maybe if she did it her sister might stop obsessing about Lexa finding a girlfriend. Lexa hoped that anyway.

* * *

_Clarke:_

Day 67 in America the best day for Clarke. She got signed for a TV series supporting lead.

It felt too good to be true. She had worked and auditioned relentlessly for two months but this looked good.

She had no idea how crazy LA could be. She was auditioning five times as much as she was in Australia. Although she rarely got the job, she became more confident with auditioning. The small bits she would get were for a while, were small bits on commercials. Or a few lines in a TV show. Or a supporting role in an independent film. But with each day passing, she felt a bit better in that she was pushing herself and finally in a good place. She was also influenced by her friends. Octavia was living her dream with her contract. Giving Clarke the opportunity to meet more performers in LA that were becoming Octavia’s friends.  And Raven loved her job and met some awesome people Clarke soon became friends with as well.

Of course, it got exhausting putting herself out there every day. But she wanted this. She called her mum most days to keep her sane. Abby suggested acting classes or gym classes. Yoga classes and that kind of stuff Clarke might like to do in her spare time.

So she expanded her acting skills and took workshops and stunt training, she worked put at home with her friends and tried to maintain a yoga routine as well. Meeting new people was still scary for Clarke so doing things at home helped her. She also found a decent agent which although wasn’t at the top of her list was still popular and had great actors being managed by this agency.

She also made sure to stay on good medication and to see a therapist.

So on the sixty-seventh day in America Clarke was having one of her lazier days. She had just finished her morning routines and started scrolling through her notifications. She rarely went on her phone much. She knew it was bad for her own personal health. But she received a message from Niylah.

It was a message that read ‘I miss you.’ I found this video and thought of you’. Clarke was confused by this. After not hearing from her ex for a long time. And the video was of a comedian doing a challenge on youtube.

Clarke was confused and annoyed. Then soon got a call from her agent as she was ready to respond to Niylah.

She received the news and had a meeting with the TV network tomorrow. She immediately called her mum and soon after texted Octavia and Raven.

Not fifteen minutes later raven ran through the front door to the apartment to Clarke’s room and jumped on Clarke and squealed about how excited she was for her.

“This is amazing news, Clarke! Holy shit! I’m so fucking happy for you dude. I can’t express how keen I am! Annddd guess what?! I’m going to this blind date thing tonight so with all this luck today, hopefully I’ll also get lucky tonight! If you know what I mean?”

Raven winked knowingly at Clarke. To which Clarke smiled and shoved her best friend off her.

“Thank you, I cannot waiiiit! Also since when are you going on a blind date?” Clarke raised her eyebrows.

“Since this morning! During coffee with Monty, he suggested this event that he heard about on Facebook, only for queer women. So I thought… fuck it! I haven’t had any luck with women lately, let’s try it out!” Raven beamed.

Monty was a new friend to all of the girls. He worked with raven and was bisexual as well.

“Jesus. That’s good, I guess? I mean hopefully, my luck will spread to you! Today is literally the best day ever so anything could happen!”

Clarke grabbed Raven’s hands and started bouncing on the bed with her, screaming and giggling.

Clarke forgot about Niylah and deleted the message. She had better things to focus on now.

* * *

_Lexa:_

Tonight wasn’t a lucky night for Lexa. She arrived at the blind date event in which you spend a certain amount of time with a woman and after the time limit finishes you move on the next. She didn’t like the idea. She especially didn’t like how weirdly it was organised, with disorganised balloons and party streamers. The lack of women at the pub. The bright lighting.

Anya said there would be too many women to count. But Lexa could count them. All twenty of them. It wasn’t so bad. But she felt her self-cringe inside the longer she stayed. This was not her scene.

She got at least 10 minutes with each person. And if she liked the person she would ring her bell and if they liked her they would ring it back. Which didn’t happen in Lexa’s case so she kept going through the leftover women? It was weird a disorganised event but at least she was meeting new people. And maybe this would make good writing material.

She finally finished with a woman who was completely opposite to her and awaited her next blind date.

She fiddled with her fingers looking down and picking at her cuticles waiting.

“You certainly look like you don’t belong here.” A woman snorted in front of her and plopped herself down in the seat across from her.

Lexa looked up to meet a pretty girl with long dark caramel hair and tan skin. Lexa smirked and rolled her eyes at the comment.

“No? Why do you say that?” she said lightly.

“Because you look so uncomfortable and you’re too pretty to be single”  
the women smirked back.

“Thanks for noticing,” Lexa replied.

“What? That you’re uncomfortable or pretty?”

Lexa blew a puff of breath threw her nostrils amused by this woman. “Both. Is that what you say to all the ladies?”

“Nah. Just the pretty ones.” The women winked then stretched her arm across the table to shake Lexa’s hand.

“I’m Raven Reyes. Nice to meet you…?”

“Lexa” she finished off for Raven then shook Raven’s hand, “Nice to meet you too.”

They stopped shaking hands smiled at each other politely.

“Has this been as much as a bummer for you as it has for me?” Raven breathed out.

“I mean-” Lexa was slightly confused but relieved that at least she wasn’t alone in this.

“This event is so poorly done and most of the women I’ve already talked to are just not-” Raven paused

Lexa decided to finish for her. “Your type.”

“Yeah! I don’t know if I’m really ready for dating if I’m honest. I want to focus on my career first if you know what I mean? Me and my friends just moved here not that long ago and honestly I’d just prefer to meet more cool people and make new friends. And I don’t want to assume anything but it looks like you’re not really in the mood to date either. So what do you say we ding or buzz each other and leave, then you take me to your favourite bar and we can just be normal people? And get the fuck out of this place?” Raven barrelled through.

She seemed sure of herself and like an outgoing person. She also could recognise her accent. She was curious at first but after hearing her ramble she was sure of it now.

Lexa was glad that Raven did most of the talking and was again relieved. She thought I’d be nice to not have the pressure of dating and just hang out and get to know someone. So she smiled to hopefully ease the tension that Raven was showing.

“Wow. Um. I agree. I kinda got forced here by my sister so yeah, I’m very much career-orientated as well. I’d love to ditch and go to a better place. If that’s what you want?” Lexa asked.

“Yesss!” Raven stressed. “Sorry for word vomiting I just think you look cool so why not?” Raven raised an eyebrow and smiled at Lexa. Lexa thought that was cute.

“Yeah, why not? And I do know some good bars around, that an Aussie like you would love.”

“Yeah? Sweet! Wait… how do you know I’m Australian?” Raven sound the most Australia she had heard tonight after that sentence. She missed Australia.

“I lived there when I was fourteen until I was almost twenty-three, I can definitely recognise the accent,” Lexa smirked.

“Yeah?! That’s so cool! Now we have something more to talk about! Most people assume I’m from England. Which is weird.”

They rung their bells and left the event and Lexa took her to her favourite nearby bar. It wasn’t too loud but it was busy enough so there weren’t any awkward moments that stood out.

Raven seemed more at ease and so Lexa started to as well. She had to admit Raven was cute and attractive. But she also really enjoyed how easily they got along after a while. The more and more they talked the more she thought she’d really like Raven as a friend.

She learned about where in Australia Raven was from. A bit about her coming out with her best friend. Her job and why she moved to America. As well as her favourite musicals and reality TV shows. Which then lead Lexa to talk about her sister and her family, which then lead to why she came back and forth between the US and Australia, which then lead to her bad breakup and then her job.

Raven mentioned that both her roommates were performers so that Lexa may bump into them one day seeing as she writes for TV.

To which Lexa mentioned she might one day bump into Raven’s friends, even though LA was already filled with lots of performers. Then how she was starting a new series which was getting cast currently. Then Raven mentioned that her friend had just got a job today.

Neither thought it was a coincidence and that their circles were close. They just enjoyed the night and exchanged numbers.

Lexa had a good night. She couldn’t wait to tell Anya how her plan didn’t necessarily work out but that she had a good time anyway. She was ready to overlook the scripts for the new TV series and send them off to the directors for the next morning. She was happy and content. Especially being single and ready for a new TV show.

* * *

_Clarke:_

Clarke and Octavia teased Raven about the night and how Raven willingly put herself in the friend zone. Raven laughed it off and said she’s probably better as her friend, although she couldn’t deny that this Lexa chick was attractive.

Clarke was still happy that Raven put herself pout there though. She now knows from her friend's experience to not go on blind date events.

The only downer of the day was when Octavia announced she was no longer working out with her friends at home and was starting classes at the gym.

But if that was the only upsetting news of the day, Clarke considered herself lucky.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back and forth between Lexa and Clarke! wOOOo! This story has been a little fast paced but only to get to these moments when they are ready to meet. We've heard their backstories now it's their futures. Keep in mind I'm trying let each character grow into their skin. So things will change, people will mature and grow.
> 
> Usually most people after studying and into their twenties stress about getting their shit together and trying have everything figured out. But like is a journey YAY. So lets follow these characters journeys!
> 
> Also any mistakes are my own... I hope it all makes sense?  
> Thanks for your support! xx STAY TUNED  
> CLEXA ENDGAME


	7. Nice to meet you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke goes through the motions/ the in's and out's and meets a familiar name. We learn how easily Clarke and Lexa get along and become quick close friends, making Raven a tad bit jealous.   
> Soon its Christmas Eve and Lexa and Clarke spend a lovely day together. Lexa learns something along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY!!! Don't give up on me yet! I still have plans! So its now 'present day' at the end of this chapter. There will still be moments the we quickly move through. Sorry if my writing seems chaotic? It's my first story on here and I'm basically just word vomiting. LOLS. Thank you for reading!!

**Chapter 7**

Clarke:

Time continued to fly by for Clarke. She was extremely busy, either working out, doing her side jobs, learning her lines, going to auditions, making new friends. She told herself this is what she wanted. This was all good. Right?

Not long after being cast Clarke's agent set her up for meetings with producers, chemistry readings and filling out paperwork. This overwhelmed Clarke, she was still new to the business. But she knew this was learning experience and she could get through it, at least that’s what she kept repeating in her head. The hardest part of it all was how afraid Clarke was of failing and not being good enough. This industry could be heartbreaking and fickle, she didn’t want to expect the worst but she couldn’t help but think that the other shoe had to drop.  
But her calls with her mum, her therapy sessions and her friends she grew a bit more confident to try things out and believe in herself more.

Soon she found herself getting ready for the first week of shooting. They had done many rehearsals and meetings. Which although scary at first were very helpful for her so she felt more comfortable come to shooting time. And Clarke made sure to study like hell for her part. Which was witty, flamboyant and probably slightly crazy. But she loved the character for its depth.

It was also the week her brother Michael moved to England for rugby. Her brother was finally pursuing a career in his favourite sport. To be honest, Clarke was happy he was starting to take himself a bit more seriously. During Clarke’s time away from home, she could hear her mother stressed in phone calls about how reckless and lazy he was in Australia and that this might force him to grow up a little. Her brother was known mainly for being reckless and making poorly thought-out decisions. So this would surely be good for Michael. It would help as well that they had family in England so he had support. A bit more than Clarke had internationally.

Her younger sister Chloe was changing careers often and still trying to find something she was passionate about and her brother Aiden was in his final year of school and getting ready to graduate.

Clarke had a bunch of baby pictures of her and siblings up on her bedroom walls. Normally she wouldn’t but after time apart she weirdly cherished the memories. Time was going fast and sometimes she liked to look back at how far they had all come. She rarely thought much of family with how busy she was, it was nice to be updated and reminded that she had them and their love.

So it was her first week and she was as prepared as she could be. She knew and liked the cast and crew already. All they had to do now was make it happen. Get to work. Clarke was excited about the trajectory of the show though. She loved the script and writing. It was new and bold. It was relevant and relatable. Shocking and hilarious. Deep and beautiful. She was falling in love with it. She was honestly still in doubt this was happening to her. The first season was almost done writing but it was subject to change. If there was anyone she wanted to meet and hadn’t yet it was the writers. There was a team of them. A very great team. She wanted to ask loads of questions about their ideas.

When Clarke has a character or project she likes to dive deep. She loves being almost like a detective and figuring out the meaning behind the words and what makes the characters tick and why. She found it extremely helpful when acting but also fun to do.

Along with time moving fast, Raven and her blind date now friend were hanging out more. Raven liked this Lexa girl. She found her sweet. And overtime very charming. But only a friend. Raven said she would much rather Lexa’s friendship.  Clarke found out more (through Raven) about Lexa. Her home in both LA and Australia. Her job and her day to day routines as told by Raven. Clarke was glad Raven made a friend. From what Clarke found out she figured she liked Lexa and that Lexa could actually keep up with someone like Raven. Clarke's other friends outside Raven and Octavia were friends of Raven and Octavia. Some friends were people she met on jobs and such. But they were all on the job friends or would only hang out at social gatherings. Clarke didn’t have time to completely connect with people as much now.

Octavia had started to develop a crush on her personal trainer and found herself becoming obsessed with the gym, and a certain trainer. All the while trying her best to stay focused on her career. Clarke and Raven love to tease her about, how a boy made her lose focus.

Clarke is glad she doesn’t have any relationship stuff going on. Not that’s she’s opposed to it. She just doesn’t want it right now. Sometimes she’s lonely and might get down and think she’s single for a reason, being that she might be unlovable or not meant for a romantic relationship. So she mostly would rather focus on her career keep focused on her goals. She’s having fun and finally gaining more from acting.

So things continued to go as smoothly as they could. Soon it was week four of filming and Clarke was in love with her newest job.

Her new friend Echo who was in the cast had told Clarke about an upcoming get together with cast and crew. The producer was organising it to celebrate the show and for everyone to meet people they hadn’t already met.

The night came and the cast and crew of the show had an area to themselves at a fancy restaurant in the middle of LA.

Clarke was nervous but she knew that was just how she got at things like this. Sure she’d much rather stay at home and eat by herself and watch Netflix. But networking was a big part of her business. Plus it would probably do her some good. After making herself comfortable enough she decided to mingle with the crew and find the writers. She left Echo to go and mingle. A crew member from food services introduced her to the first writer she met that night. He was nice and friendly and helped Clarke meet the rest of his team.

She found out he- Roan had a wife and a three-year-old daughter and loved cricket. Which instantly reminded her of her dad. Roan asked (claiming since she was Australian and should be a big fan of the sport) what her opinion on the Australian team was. She responded that her father would know more about it, she didn’t like the sport, as it made her sleepy, that comment got a few giggles from the group. Roan laughed at that and then introduced her to the team. Most of the team were in their thirties expect one; the youngest of the team, which Roan liked to call the baby of them all. She was only 24, two years older then Clarke. The youngest girl was a young brunette with curly long hair and big green eyes and full lips, and a body to die for.

Clarke inwardly rolled her eyes at herself. Of course, she checked out a crew member, how appropriate. But she had to admit she did really like the way this girl looked. She looked soft and sweet but also ready to pounce if you said the wrong thing. At moments like this she questioned if she did like men, there were plenty of attractive men she had met but it didn’t seem to interest Clarke, and then she would meet beautiful women like this and forget men existed. Something Clarke and Raven always joke about, they joke that men just don’t seem to tickle their fancies they would say and much prefer women.

The youngest rolled her eyes at the jokes and had witty comebacks for the rest of the writers to which there were three others beside Roan. The youngest writer extended her free hand that wasn’t holding on to a glass of wine, to shake Clarke’s hand and smiled.

“I’m Lexa Woods, ignore these old farts, they wouldn’t survive without me.” Lexa finishes off with a smirk.

Her handshake is firm and short. Clarkes laughs, maybe too strongly. As the writers continue to banter.

Clarke likes this group of people. Especially this Lexa girl. Clarke now doesn’t feel as young in this group of mainly older people. Clarke wanted to actively seek Lexa out both because she seemed like they would get along well and Lexa intrigued her.

Except she recognises Lexa’s name. She feels herself questioning if she’s met this girl.

Wait…

“Wait, Lexa, do you by any chance know a Raven, she’s always talking about her new friend Lexa?” Clarke says.

The group pauses and looks between Clarke and Lexa.

“I thought I recognised your name! Clarke! Raven has told me lots about you.” Lexa replies. Clarke now understands why Raven thinks Lexa is so attractive.

Soon after Clarke and Lexa put two and two together. The rest of the writers spread out to their groups and eventually left Lexa and Clarke alone to talk about their shared friend Raven.

They both laughed about how Lexa and Raven met and became friends. After talking about Raven they talked about how ironic it was that they technically worked together. How small the world is. Then after that, Clarke praised and complimented the writing of the show, maybe too much but Lexa seemed to like it and blushed, which Clarke found adorable. She liked having that kind of power.

Lexa talked about how writing all came together. Very passionately and seriously, Clarke was hanging on every word. Lexa soon moved on to the character Clarke plays and Lexa’s input, how she wanted to see more women like that on screen. This then turned to Lexa’s career in writing. Then Clarke's career up to now. After enough work and career talk Lexa asked Clarke to join her outside where it was less noisy and crowded. Clarke, of course, loved that idea.

Throughout the night Clarke mainly stuck with Lexa. Often some people found the two girls but then would shortly leave. Then Clarke and Lexa found themselves back into their conversation. It’s not that Clarke didn’t want to hang out with her other friends she had made, she just really enjoyed Lexa’s company and especially loved how she kept making Lexa laugh. It was really cute. Then extremely sexy when Lexa bit her bottom lip. Was it obvious that Clarke hadn’t had sex in a while if she found a simple lip bite sexy? But she enjoyed indulging, maybe it helped with the amount of alcohol she was consuming.

Sure Lexa laughed mainly because Clarke was awkward and would blabber on. Or would make self-deprecating jokes but soon she found herself comfortable enough to not be a complete dork in front of Lexa and they found themselves going from funny to slightly serious topics.

Clarke both hated and loved how easily she got along with Lexa. It shouldn’t be this easy? She also blamed that Lexa was really pretty so of course the ‘gay’ in Clarke couldn’t stay away. Especially when tipsy. Clarke hoped the other girl was having as much fun as Clarke was having. She didn’t know if Lexa knew Clarke liked women. It was obvious that Lexa did since Lexa met Raven at a gay women’s blind dating event. But she wondered if Lexa knew, maybe this was just a friendly encounter to her. It was of course. But Clarke had met other women and none of them made Clarke feel at ease this quickly. She probably had the alcohol to blame. Clarke was starting to feel fuzzy and kept staring at Lexa’s lips.

Lexa didn’t seem to mind and liked Clarke just as much as Clarke liked her. This was proved when Lexa added her on Instagram. Clarke knew she would stalk her on the app later.

Soon the party was over and Clarke enjoyed herself a lot.

She couldn’t wait to tell Raven about Lexa.

* * *

“She was my friend first Clarke!” Raven groaned from the couch.

Clarke rolled her eyes. “So what? I can’t be her friend then?” Clarke asked and rolled her eyes half-heartedly at Raven. Clarke was in the kitchen making dessert for herself and her friends. And by making desert it mainly consisted of putting a pre-baked meal in the oven.

Clarke rolled her eyes at Raven's moaning. Her friend was a quick drunk.

It was their monthly tradition where they would all sit together and watch Netflix, play video games or any other games. Eat junk and get drunk. They were rarely always together and if they were, they were sleeping, eating or too tired.

It was the end of the first week of December. The past few months were busy as ever and only now started to slow down as projects were starting to finish up with the holidays coming up.

This dessert was Christmas themed and because it was Clarke's turn to cook and she was hopeless, so she had gotten some tips from her mum to make amazing Christmas puddings.

But yes, it was December the weather was starting to cool and winter was fast approaching. Clarke loved winter in America already. It beat the scorching sun in Australia during Christmas.

“It’s just not fair! How come she didn’t invite me?” Raven asked.

Clarke knew Raven wasn’t really that upset but she played along.

“Because she loves me more, duh?” Clarke said and sat in between her two friends on the couch.

Lexa and Clarke after meeting at the work party became a bit closer. They worked together so they saw each other more often than Clarke saw her friends. Although Lexa wasn’t cast she still would most often see Lexa at least weekly. Lexa in her downtime would try and have lunch with Clarke in her trailer and they would chat and catch-up for their breaks. Clarke also tried to get secrets out of Lexa to know what was ahead for the end of the season. But Lexa never told her of course, saying it was hilarious how impatient Clarke was.

Lexa and Clarke found that they got along pretty easily. They had a lot in common.  They both liked similar foods and music and film. After a couple of weeks after noticing Clarke took public transport home Lexa offered to take Clarke home from now on if they finished around the same time. Which only brought them closer. Clarke now would happily sing a tune on the radio in front of Lexa not caring how embarrassing she was being. She loved getting a reaction out of Lexa.

Clarke found out about Lexa's home life and her sister Anya. She felt bad that Lexa had gone through her parents’ divorce and finding out she had a sister later in life, but glad that it worked out in the end. She found out how Lexa had come out to Anya and how Anya was totally cool with it. Which Clarke envied. Clarke’s parents were disappointed and confused at first she remembers. But now they are fine. She thinks anyway. Abby and Jake will roll their eyes and laugh at Clarke's gay jokes but don’t seem to hate it.

She found out more about Lexa’s best friend Lincoln and her first best friend in Australia Luna and how her dad, Gustus, how he was a bit angry with her coming out.

In turn, Clarke told Lexa about her coming out. Which shocked Lexa slightly, Lexa replied saying she didn’t think Clarke liked girls and Clarke replied she prefers girls most of the time which left a bit of tension in the air. But they laughed about it in the end. Clarke told Lexa about Niylah. Then university, about meeting Raven and Octavia.

The more they spoke the deeper the conversations went. Which didn’t seem to bother either of them. Clarke liked going into the deep stuff. She liked being listened to. And doing the same for Lexa. Although daunting she liked feeling the connection. And when Clarke would tell Lexa something sadder then most stories Lexa would say how proud she was of Clarke for pushing through it all. Clarke appreciated this so much so she did her best to be as good a friend as any to Lexa too.

Clarke found she hadn’t experienced someone like Lexa before. Sure she had her best friends throughout her life. But none like Lexa. Lexa was much more patient and wanted to listen to Clarke and verbalised how much she really enjoyed Clarke opening up. Lexa would also verbalise how proud she was of Clarke often. And Clarke found herself doing the same for Lexa. She always felt supported by Lexa no matter how small or mundane. So she wanted to do the same for Lexa as well.

Clarke found it hard to compliment and show verbal support and would find herself getting nervous in the past but she has warmed up with Lexa. Soon Clarke would tell Lexa about almost everything that was happening. Like how a boy from school kept spamming her asking to go a date. Or how the bus was late. Or a funny comment made in therapy. They talked about everything. It felt like a relief to have Lexa around.

Lexa was a little bit into star signs and personality tests. It’s not like she believed them but she liked how it could be accurate sometimes. They did a bunch of tests together ranging from serious ones to the dumb ones from beauty magazines. Clarke’s favourite was the love language quiz. She found out her love language was quality time and after that words of affirmation. Which made total sense. Lexa’s were quality time and physical touch. Which now that Clarke knew she could tell about the girl. How Lexa would always hug her hello and goodbye. Would lean her head on Clarke's shoulder. Would sometimes reach out in conversation and fiddle with Clarke's fingers with her own.

She found herself feeling calmer and happier around Lexa. They both built each other up and discussed how important healthy relationships and friendships are.

So Clarke would probably classify Lexa as a close friend. She hopes to have in her life for a long time.

Of course, Lexa and Clarke hung out with Raven and Octavia and some of Lexa’s friends but they mainly spent time together.

As the holidays came closer Lexa invited Clarke to spend Christmas Eve with her. Clarke was beyond excited to spend this quality time with Lexa. It also helped that Lexa said she was going to make sure Clarke had her first and best Christmas Eve in America.

The girls cared for each other. Lexa made Clarke happy and Clarke was sure she made Lexa happy too.

“I can’t help that I don’t work with her! Besides I wouldn’t want to interrupt you two love birds” Raven mocked.

Clarke laughed at this. Sure Clarke and Lexa were close but they weren’t in love. They were just friends. Clarke didn’t need anything more. She liked how things were. Sure she found Lexa to be beautiful and Lexa would be a great girlfriend. But that’s just not what they are.

“She’ll never replace you my love” Clarke mocked and starting tickling Raven until Raven and Clarke were in a tickle fight to which Octavia had to pull them apart.

* * *

Lexa:

Lexa pulled up in front of Clarke’s apartment complex and texted Clarke she was outside waiting for her. It was lunchtime on Christmas Eve and Lexa had promised Clarke the best day ever.

She had it all planned out. Go to Clarke’s favourite Asian restaurant. Then take her to Disneyland. Go on a couple of rides and then be ready for the winter wonderland Christmas parade.

Lexa always loved Christmas and wanted Clarke to have fun. She knew Clarke missed her family. Even though Clarke said she’s happy that she can spend it with her friends. She knows Clarke does miss it, even if Clarke says she doesn’t miss the stress of the Griffin household. Clarke’s family was also going to England this year to visit Michael and the rest of the family.

Clarke was going to see them the week after Christmas for a week as she didn’t have enough money or time but still wanted to be with them for a bit. Plus England was closer travel-wise then it would’ve been from Australia. 

So Lexa wanted to make sure Clarke felt special and not homesick.

Anya made fun of Lexa for organising this day with Clarke but Lexa didn’t think Anya understood how close hers and Clarke’s friendship was. They had known each other for close to five to six months now.  Lexa loved Clarke but just as a friend. She found Clarke to be beautiful, funny, adorable, smart, and talented and all these amazing things. But Lexa didn’t want a relationship. She liked being single and the freedom that came with it. It’s not like a partner would drag her down. But she was not focused and needed in her job. And Clarke was the same. Plus Lexa doubted someone like Clarke would date Lexa. She was happy being close friends that’s all she could handle.

“LEXA. I’m so fucking excited, let’s eat!” Clarke came and plopped herself in the passenger seat and buckled herself in.

“Hello to you too Clarke and how are you?” Lexa rolled her eyes and smiled and started driving to their first destination.

“I’m really keen! Raven is super jealous. But don’t worry I just told her you loved me more so she’s good now.” Clarke joked.

Lexa let out a small giggle. “Of course I love you more! You spoke to your mum yet?”

The conversation continued and soon they arrived at Clarke’s favourite restaurant. To which Lexa paid for everything, much to Clarke’s disagreeing and saying she’ll pay her back.

As they waited in line at Disneyland it was really busy. But that didn’t bother either of the girls as they enjoyed each other’s company and were eating the snacks or watching the Christmas characters walking around.

Clarke had never been to Disneyland so Lexa was disappointed that they only got to make it on three rides before most of the good ones closed down for the parade. But Clarke didn’t mind and just said they’d have to go again.

Clarke held Lexa’s hand most of the time. Worried about getting pushed away from her and eventually losing her. Lexa didn’t mind. She knew Clarke could get stressed in busy crowds. She was happy to help.

As they were in a good enough spot and had their drinks and snacks with them. They began waiting for the Christmas parade to begin. Both went on their phones to do whatever they needed to do. Lexa noticed the sun begin to set and knocked Clarke’s shoulder to get her attention to look at how pretty it looked. But when Clarke looked up her eyes were watery and slightly puffy. Clarke sniffed and wiped her eyes and smiled at what Lexa was pointing at in the sky.

“Clarke are you okay?” Lexa asked moving closer to Clarke. That seemed to set Clarke off. As Clarke tried to answer more tears came and her lips trembled. Lexa racked her brain for answers as to why she was upset.

Lexa tried to calmly ask. “Is it the crowds? Do you need some space? Did I do something wrong? Is it your family?”

Clarke smiled weakly and shook her head. All she managed to say was a quiet “look” and showed her phone screen to Lexa.

“This was my baby last Christmas. It’s a memory. He helped us wrap presents and started to attack the wrapping paper. I just… I always think about him but recently not as much. But god I miss him.”

“Oh, Clarke,” Lexa said sympathetically.

“I know it’s dumb. Like he’s just a dog. But he was best friend and was always there for me. He never left me. I guess it just hit me how much I miss him. His birthday was a couple of weeks ago and I cried most of the day. I miss him so much.” Clarke rushed through.

Lexa could see Clarke starting to work herself up. She knew Clarke suffered from anxiety and depression and at times like this being in crowds didn’t help.

Lexa didn’t think it was stupid at all. She wrapped Clarke in a hug.

“It’s okay Clarke. Just breathe okay. You’re okay, I’ve got you.” Lexa tried to soothe.

She could feel Clarke tremble against her. “I’m sorry, I know that we’re- I just- I miss him- I didn’t mean to ruin-”

Before Clarke could finish “Hey, it’s okay to miss him, especially now. He meant a lot to you. Your feelings are valid. You’re allowed to be upset. You haven’t ruined anything” Lexa reassured as she held Clarke tighter.

Clarke seemed to calm down after a bit. Soon they let each other go.

“Thank you, Lexa.” Clarke croaked out, voice still wet from crying.

Lexa just smiled down at Clarke, there was a small height difference that Lexa liked.

“I didn’t ruin the night?” Clarke asked hopefully, she looked so young at this moment.

“No, in fact, you continue to make it better.” Lexa winked which made Clarke smile.

They stood silent for a moment as Clarke wiped her face and blew her nose.

“Can I see more pictures of him?” Lexa asked shyly, she didn’t want to overstep. But she did want to know more about Clarke’s old dog. Maybe going through good memories of him would help Clarke.

Clarkes face lit up slightly and she nodded and pulled out her phone to go through an album dedicated to her dog.

Lexa thought the dog looked adorable and felt sad for Clarke’s family. She never had any pets. If she did she’d want this one. They continued to look through the photos and Clarke had calmed down and starting explaining each picture.

“He’s adorable just like his mummy” Lexa smirked and softly nudged Clarkes shoulder. Clarke blushed, which of course was adorable.

“I know”.

Soon the parade began and the girls continued their night laughing and singing with the parade.

On the way back to the car they held hands and kept each other close for heat. Clarke was still getting used to the weather. Plus the walk back to Lexa’s car was a fair distance.

An hour in traffic later and Lexa was parked outside Clarke’s apartment and ready to say goodbye.

Clarke was about to exit the car. She squealed “oh fuck, I got you a present. Here!” and Clarke pulled out a wrapped box from her big bag.

Lexa giggled. Clarke had the weirdest outbursts and timing. Lexa also said no presents. And she could say technically today was a gift to them both. Mainly Clarke though.

“I know you said you didn’t want anything but like I _had_ to! I love getting presents for the people I love. Anyway...” and Clarke pushed the present towards Lexa and wriggled her eyebrows suggestively just as excited for Lexa to see the gift.

“I have to open it now?” Lexa asked.

Clarke nodded frantically and bit her bottom lip as Lexa started open it. She went slower finding Clarke’s lack of patience hilarious and adorable.

Inside she found a bunch of things inside a gift box. First, she pulled out a pair of patterned socks that had a bunch of cute cartoons of characters writing and pens and funny things relating to writing on it. Then she found a bunch of magnets. Some were about being gay, some were about pizza, (Lexa’s favourite takeaway), and some had some feminist jokes on them. Then there were a bunch of fancy pens and a cute notebook that said gal pals on it. Lexa laughed out loud at that. As she went deeper into the box, there was a small toy koala bear. With a note on it saying ‘cuddle me if you miss Australia.’

“Mum sent me that, I have one in my room” Clarke said proudly. Lexa smiled widely and continued. There were some small chocolates and lollies. Lexa’s favourites. A small tub of vegemite with Clarke's selfie glued over the label. A picture of Clarke pulling a stupid face. Lexa snorted at that one. Lexa didn’t know how this present could get anymore better.

Then last of all was a jar of small colourful notes inside.

Lexa looked up at Clarke raising her eyebrow in question.

“Its little reminders of reasons I love you. Plus some funny memories and motivational quotes. I know it’s dorky but I’ve always wanted to do one. You’re my best friend so why not you know? Also, remember that time you told me how you second guess if people like you?”

Lexa remembers telling Clarke that. It’s some anxiety she has for some reason. They were telling each other what their fears were and it went from spiders to rejection fast. Lexa didn’t tell many people about it.

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Well if you ever forget you can take one out and look at it. Plus one of your love languages is words of affirmation SO when I’m not there to tell you. You have that.” Clarke winked at Lexa. Although it was cute and a fun gift. All the little things in the gift box held some humor to them. They also held something more. It was personal. Things about Lexa. Clarke thought these gifts out and must have spent ages on this. Lexa didn’t care about gifts but this has to be one of the best.

Lexa knows this friendship is only new but she’s so drawn to Clarke. She loves how open they are with each other and how close they are and how they are always having fun. Everything feels easy and they rarely fight because they communicate if they feel uncomfortable. Lexa loves Clarke. Maybe more than she thought she did.

And right now all Lexa can think about are Clarke's lips. She feels helplessly drawn to press her lips against Clarkes.

She thinks Clarke is most beautiful at this moment. Eyes wide and alert but also verging on tired. Her makeup fading away. Her hair windswept and falling out as the day has come to an end. In her grey Christmas sweater that reads ‘Christmas meltdown’ with a snowman melting and crying as the artwork.

And it’s not like all of a sudden Lexa finds Clarke beautiful. As soon as she saw Clarke she thought she was stunning. It’s a given. And that has only grown the more she knows Clarke but right now. With the snow slowly falling around them in her car. And Clarke having given Lexa the most thoughtful, fun and the cute gift she has ever received she knows that her feelings have reared their head. It’s not like she denying them she just thought it was purely friendship. And sure she thinks Clarke would be kissable. But now all she wants to do is kiss Clarke until she can’t breathe.

But what happened to keep the focus on her career? That she didn’t need a relationship nor wanted one? Was it because it was Christmas Eve and everything seemed more romantic?

But Lexa was tired, tired of pushing those thoughts aside for Clarke and her feelings towards her. She was a great friend yes. But Lexa wanted to try more and now she felt selfish and annoyed but happy and warm all at once.

Lexa closed the lid on the jar of notes.

She wanted to choose her words carefully. “I love it, Clarke. This is the most… thoughtful gift that anyone has given me.”

At that Clarke seemed proud of her self.

“Anything for you Lex”

Lexa leaned in and hugged Clarke and they both melted into it. Lexa’s head was spinning it was like all her senses had heightened and she could feel Clarke everywhere. Why is it now that she realises that Clarke smells so good? They both leaned out but Lexa stopped halfway and paused.

Fuck it. She had to do something, anything.

She leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of Clarke’s mouth. She lingered for a bit to see if Clarke would pull away. She didn’t, Clarke stayed still.

A moment passed. And Lexa leaned slightly out.

“Merry Christmas Clarke” Lexa whispered their faces were still quite close and Clarke’s eyes were trained on Lexa’s eyes. She wished she knew what Clarke was thinking. Maybe she was confused, weirded out?

Then Clarke's blue orbs moved down to Lexa’s lips. And she whispered back as if she didn’t want to break their bubble. “Merry Christmas Lexa”.

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love a good gal pal! Anyway whilst I'm not working at my grocery store (the worst) I want to in this corona time spend more time doing creative things... which hopefully means more writing!  
> I hope everyone is safe and well!   
> I know I'll be catching up on my reading on here!  
> Stay tuned! I love feedback and love kudos!

**Author's Note:**

> Heck sorry if that was long?! whoops?  
> Sooo that's the first chapter! Thanks for the read! Continue if you like it! Let me know what you think!  
> next chapter.... LEXA


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